The joys of connections as an introvert

Earlier today, my senior colleague Mah Lay Choon shared her reflections on introversion, and how she spends long weekends like the one we're in the middle of. ICYMI, you can read it here.

I, too, have spent this long weekend recharging my batteries. I have kept to myself, sitting alone in my man cave. I gamed a little bit, watched some YouTube and television series, and today I rekindled my passion for writing for personal pleasure by working on my blog which I had neglected for over a year. If you're interested, you can read my latest post fresh off the printing press here, but be warned that it is very geeky.

But this post is not about my hobbies. I wanted to build on Lay Choon's reflections about introversion to tell my own story.

You see, growing up, I always had difficulties making friends. The difficulties were built on the foundation that I was so vastly different from everyone else due to my disability that I would never be able to do the normal stuff teenagers did: you know, hang out and do stupid things. The sort of things that bond people together.

But over time, I made the situation worse by accepting that I was destined to always be an outcast. I adopted a "I'm a bad bitch and I don't need anyone else" attitude, embraced the "loner" tag, and put zero effort into making friends.

This sorry state of affairs continued all the way through university. When I started my career, I could count on two hands the number of people in the world I considered friends, and on one hand the number of times I had interacted with them in real life.

As an introvert, I neither need nor want a huge social circle. I'm very selective about who I apply the label "friend" to. There's a very high bar to cross before one can be my friend, because I want all my friendships to be special. After all, it takes effort to cultivate relationships, and with my physical and mental energy at a premium as I get older and weaker, I have to be sure that anyone I let into my friendship circle is worth it.

So I'm not too bothered about the small number of friends I have in absolute terms.

What's changed about my outlook recently is in the approach I take towards maintaining the quality of my friendships.

I have been seeing a psychologist over the past few months, to work through some mood issues I experienced towards the end of last year. One of the problems we identified in our discussions about my daily life was that my life outside of work was a flat line. Work challenges me, it's dynamic, and I had embraced it and was an energetic, confident, purpose-fuelled person when I was working, even if I was working from home.

But my personal time was filled with nothing really, and it was a bit of a downer. After more introspection, we devised an action plan. I would use work as a starting point, and challenge myself to build a life outside of work by taking the best bits about my job and bringing them out of the work setting.

So a couple of weekends ago, I met Mandes Sim and Yasmin Ramle for dinner. Not only are they teammates from work, I love them to bits too.

It was my first hangout with friends by myself. And it felt so good. We sat in one place and just talked for a couple of hours: perfect for me because I didn't have to move around, and the cosy group size and pleasant company meant I wasn't overwhelmed by social anxiety.

That experience made me realise that I am not a bad bitch. I do need companionship, just like everyone else. Sure, maybe growing up on my own has toughened me up and made me need less of it, but for my own happiness, I can no longer afford to cut myself off from the world.

So to circle back to the beginning of this post, this is my answer to Lay Choon's reflection on the joys of connections as an introvert. Interpersonal connections, even as an introvert, are indeed enjoyable, and also essential for wellbeing.

I'm not as kind as Lay Choon, however. I will not be accepting dinner invites from anyone. I am much stricter and only engage on my own terms, so I will be slowly going down my tiny list of friends, trying to arrange small, simple hangouts.

If you're on this list, please be patient with me. These are new and uncharted waters. I'll get round to you in due course!