Journeys

Do you ever take a look back through your own personal journey? Whether your journey with your mate, or your career, or as a parent, or even through friendships? I was recently asked to supply an article for someone else’s newsletter regarding spirituality and what it means to me. This led me deep into my own spiritual journey. This is one trip I really don’t talk much about. It is deeply personal, and I am deeply private. Today however, I thought maybe I would share, and I am hoping that after I share my journey you’ll share yours.

My childhood was spent in the realm of very conservative Christianity. I learned to read by reading the Bible. I have read this great book in its entirety at least 10 times. I kid you not! As a teenager I had a constant mental struggle between boys and becoming a missionary. I think I was hoping that boys may somehow be included in my missionary pursuits. As I left high school, I became more serious about my religious life (I had yet to learn true spirituality though). I embarked on my religious career, but quickly got sidetracked, yes, by a boy. After marrying said boy, I quickly moved to my next chapter in life. Two more boys, my sons. Very soon after having my second baby I was embroiled in a serious fight for my health. I was eventually diagnosed with lupus. (I will get back to this later.) During this time I was still studying and teaching my religion to whomever would listen. However, as I studied I started to question many things. My questions not only went unanswered but I was seriously cautioned to, “not think too much about spiritual matters. Just obey.” Well, that didn’t go over too well with me. Eventually, I left this religion on my own accord. And when my marriage failed this religious organization made it clear, publically, I was to be shunned and removed from among them. Though, I was already gone.

Thus started a new chapter in my life. I then seriously questioned all religious organizations and their ability to bring anyone closer to God. I became seriously disillusioned with religion in general and even started regarding myself as agnostic. This phase took me many years to work out. I was busy with a career, raising my teenaged sons, and well, boys (men, and far too many of them). The odd thing about this time is that I think it was transformative and I was actually learning to connect to things bigger than myself. I was not yet recognizing my spirituality. However, I was writing and reading poetry and studying psychology and philosophy. I was searching for something to fill this valley of empty space inside. That space I had so filled to overflowing while I was younger and then let atrophy.

As the years rolled by I once again started to feel the effects of my illness. I was struggling to keep up with my fast paced and stressful career. I was watching my life literally fade. My search to fill my empty gulf of a valley intensified. I became more and more interested in Buddhism. The trickling of water soothed and started to pool in my valley. I started practicing mindfulness. I also eventually left my career in management and became a Life Coach. During the next five years I recuperated, and about three years into this process I moved to a new town. A small, quiet, beautiful town. I felt more at home here than I have felt anywhere. I was now moving back into nature. My town has many beautiful trails and lakes. I was meditating in the open spaces and coming more and more aware of this thing that is so much bigger and better than myself. I was feeling grateful that I was a little piece of this beautiful world. I was becoming very aware of my spiritual need.

Last year I turned fifty. I joked about having a midlife crisis, but I was having a spiritual crisis. Oddly enough, on my big birthday vacation I met a pastor and his wife. The time was right. It was kismet. These two beautiful people did no preaching. But boy, oh boy, did they listen (that’s usually my job). They also spoke consolingly. We had many spiritual conversations (still no preaching). I found myself really feeling whole, my empty valley was now flowing with life. By the end of that vacation it was made clear that their church as well as God had plenty of room for this outcast. They righted the wrong that sent me off my rails in the wrong direction years earlier. While I still do not belong to any organization, and I believe I never will, I have definitely moved back toward my Christian roots. I still practice mindfulness, the Western kind. But I no longer feel the need to separate myself from the big spiritual beauty that is out there. I accept that I do not and cannot know everything there is to know about God or spiritual matters. I just know it’s there, and I’m connected, mainly through nature. That just feels right to me.

As I was preparing for that requested article I had the joy of rereading David Brooks’ The Second Mountain. In this book David shares his spiritual journey. Every time I read it I find more and more to love. His is not a big mystical transformation, but rather a slow move toward his own spirituality. I am so grateful that he shared. I really do enjoy hearing other people’s stories of their journeys in life. I would love to hear yours too.

Love and Kindness

Lisa