Journey to Recognizing my PTSD

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has become a much more acceptable diagnosis for both Veterans and non-Veterans. For non-Veterans, Post Traumatic Stress Illness (my preferred term) is often triggered by numerous events such as car accidents, physical crimes or mass shootings. For Veterans, the actions of combat or high Optempo operations are some causes.

I joined the United States Navy just as the Cold War was winding down in 1987. I was born during the heart of the Vietnam-era, but when I joined up, we did not have any training devoted to Post Traumatic Stress Illness. We covered everything from marksmanship to firefighting to uniform wear to physical exercise and in the wake of the 1991 Navy Tailhook events in Las Vegas we all had hours of Harassment training. Nothing, that I can recall or find in my service record, about mental illness.

While this article is not about my career in Uniform, some background may help explain my opinions. In 1991 my unit deployed to Bahrain in Operation Desert Storm. I could not begin to suggest that my experience was real combat the way Army Infantry or Tankers would claim, all the same, we were in a place where we were mostly not wanted, and we kept ourselves safe with issued weapons. In mid-2001 I found myself in Sarajevo, Bosnia working for NATO but under the auspices of a US Three-Star General Officer. Our Threat Condition was not high, but the events of 9/11/2001 changed everything for us. We did not know where the enemy was and we were not sure if we could even trust the local population in the days after the tragedy.

In 2003 I again deployed in support of NATO operations to Kosovo and onward to Macedonia. I spent a year there and, as it was post-9/11 in Bosnia, any time we left our base the US troops rules of engagement were implemented, and we were armed. Some of our non-US Generals (NATO) chafed at our rules of engagement and thought our carrying of weapons provocative, but I held firm that US troops would follow US rules of engagement. In truth, these regulations were mainly for our self-defense and the defense of others, but there were plenty of unsavory characters throughout the area that we needed to be cautious about.

In early 2005 I deployed to Iraq. This was the real deal. A real fighting war with us on the ground in Iraq at the tip of the spear. My first nights in Iraq were bracketed by mortars, rockets, IEDs and the most dreaded, EFPs. When we departed our base or zone, we were all on alert all the time. We had to be dialed in. We had weapons at the ready and were on constant lookout for disturbed dirt, trip wires, or anything that looked out of place in a place where everything seemed out of place.

My Journey to recognizing PTSI

By 2013 I had been stateside for seven years having last tasted middle east sand in late February 2006. I had survived and thrived since I returned from the combat zone. Now married to a fantastic woman for eight years and with my baby girl born in 2008, I earned the most cherished and honored title, Sophie’s Daddy. I had a very successful civilian career with Target Corporation in hand; I was leading some of the most iconic spaces Target would build between 2010 and 2015. Be it CityTarget at State Street in Chicago or near the Pike Place Market in Seattle or San Francisco; I was leading 75% of the United States construction effort for a great brand.

In 2014 I attended a gathering, it was too small to be a convention, of former Service Members at a Rally Point (www.rallypoint.com) event in Raleigh, North Carolina. Parked outside the venue was a US Veterans Affairs RV. It was all branded up with service and VA logos. At some point, I decided to step inside to see what it was all about. Stepping into that vehicle at that time would change my life.

You see, I retired as a highly decorated Master Chief Petty Officer in the Navy. In the Army or Marines, I was the equivalent of a Sergeant Major and in the Air Force of a Chief Master Sergeant. I didn’t need any help; I was okay. I could handle my stuff, no sweat. What I learned in that RV that day was remarkable and not one year later I was staring their message in my face.

Inside that RV were three men, three Veteran brothers, all Vietnam-era patriots that had answered their nation’s call several times and now with the VA. All African-American, these men embraced me as a comrade. They invited me to sit down and started peeling back some of my layers. Their first question, when was the last time I visited a VA facility. Umm, the week I left the service!! I had been in a joint Navy/VA facility some years before but not since that one time.

Here came their life-changing advice. Many of their Vietnam-era Brothers and Sisters never sought help for their demons when Vietnam ended. Their return home marked them horribly in many of their communities. Many sought refuge in assembly line work or otherwise toiled away in their careers. Looking forward, they never had time to look back. They didn’t want to look back. By the way, I didn’t want to look back either.  It was not until these heroes retired from their civilian jobs, careers, vocations some 30-35 years later did they have the time or inclination look back.

In 2003 our Nation found itself in continuous combat in two theaters, Iraq and Afghanistan, and the daily and constant bringing of these wars to our homes doubtless triggered additional PTSI stressors to many new & older Veterans. The US Veterans Administration was now seeing these Vietnam-era Veterans in record numbers seeking help. Be it help for the physical or the mental since the early 2000’s our Nation has done a better job seeking out our Veterans and working to get them the care they need.

Many, many of these Vietnam-vets had never been to the VA before. Imagine trying to recreate the last 35 years of your life to begin the piece together diagnoses and treatment for something that had been long ago forgotten. What I learned from these men and subsequently in my own experience if you have a career or focused work tasks you may not need to look back. When retired or, in my case laid off from Target in March 2015, I now had all the time in the world to look back AND not forward.

In my case, as told to me by my wife, I could go from the top of the world to depressed. I was angry. My daughter and wife suffered through my trigger finger anger responses. Every day I remembered Sam P. who died in Iraq fifteen minutes after I passed the same exact spot where an EFP shredded him. I was continually thinking about Ted W. who took his own life in Iraq. I was thinking of every one of the 16 troops or cops that died under my unit during my tour in Iraq. As combat has continued in Afghanistan, I found myself glued to the TV and flashing back to my experiences…they were vivid. Finally, as I struggled to come to grips with unemployment from a job I loved and planned to retire from I decided to call the Veterans Crisis Line (Call 888-457-4838 or Text MIL1 to 839863).

Veterans Crisis Hotline

Within a day I was being seen by a fantastic professional from the Minneapolis VA Medical Center. It was staggering the speed with which they engaged with me. I was sure that all the horror stories in the news about VA must be true…which may have kept me away even longer than I should have. Boy, was I wrong? Every interaction I have had with the VA Medical System has been top notch. I have, in fact, been diagnosed with mild-Post Traumatic Stress Illness. As it happens, my own unemployment (I have worked since age 13) may have saved me for the future of my family and especially my daughter.

The Ask

If you are Veteran, please take the time to get yourself into the VA system. At least get a periodic baseline set of tests so that if you need care in the future, you have the records to support your service already in place. I am seen once per year by a Primary Physician and get a full work up. It will always be in my record should new disabilities be discovered from exposures during my combat experiences. By registering you might be saving your current or future family members with enormous grief trying to prove your service to the country. Make it easier for them if not for yourself.

If you are a spouse or family member of a Veteran that is experiencing hardship with anger issues, in keeping a job, staying in school, keeping away from the law it might be Post Traumatic Stress Illness. At the right moment, show them this article or share the Crisis Line information above. Our Veterans have options, and we owe it to all of them to get them the care they need even if they don’t accept they might need it.

There are just too many Veterans that are unnecessarily alone in their moment of need. In those darkest of minutes, the demons can often be too strong to prevent the worst option available to us…suicide. We all must work harder to keep an eye on our fellow citizens, comrades and family members to alleviate these preventable losses of life.

One Parting Thought

I served with troops from every branch of our services in nearly 25-years in Uniform. In them I saw courage, devotion, love of country, and leadership; often under fire. Many of our future leaders will come from this cadre of warriors turned civilians. Keep an eye out…they will do great things if we let them.

Mike Korman is a retired US Navy Master Chief; Senior VP for a Construction firm, Vetrepreneur and most importantly and his best title, Sophie's Dad.

@mjkorman and