The Journey

On Monday afternoon, I was scrolling through my WhatsApp groups, something I rarely do. That day, something compelled me to check and that is when I saw a post from Makhosi Wellness, titled Educational Mondays. The title of article captivated me “Wounds from the past”

I sat for a moment and looked at the poster and finally opted to click on the link to read the article. I felt my heart sink. The previous day, I was really sad and I could not stop crying. I felt very numb and I could not understand why.

It finally made sense. Growing up, I did not have the best childhood really, my parents emotionally neglected me. I was never allowed to go outside to play with other children, my dad barely even hugged me, let alone say the words I Love you to me. Not even once. I did my best to impress him, I sought his recognition more than I sought my mother`s. My mom did her best to keep in touch with me and that left me worried now about my dad.

I never knew how to be loved by a man felt. When I was 13, my parents divorced and my father got custody over me. He became colder and more distant with me. I wondered each day why he fought so hard to keep me if he did not even love me. I felt neglected, unloved, unwanted. My mother ended up moving to London. Talk about adding salt to a wound.

Till date, I cannot be able to even describe to you how my mother looks like. I do not now if she died or if she`s even alive. My dad remarried and my stepmother came with her two sons. Both were older than me and what hurt more was the fact that my dad loved her sons more than he loved me.

I wish I was able to give more details on the wound inside, but I am afraid I will soak your screens with my tears. Bear with me.

I remember I tried to commit suicide at 15 when my own step brother raped me and I told my dad and he blamed it on the fact that I wear shorts in the house. I could not believe it, my own dad. He did not even try to protect me.

Joining high school, I started to cut myself with razors and a compass. Everyone in school, just like my dad thought I was just trying to seek attention from them. I was not able to hold all that pain inside. They found me one evening in the dorm lying in a pool of blood. This time, I had cut myself with an intention of killing myself, but I think it was not my day to leave yet.

I was rushed to hospital and immediately put into therapy. At first, I was very resistant with it, but with time, I loved it there, I felt heard, wanted, I felt that someone was actually concerned about me. I just hated that someone had to be paid to want to love me. But a beggar is no chooser.

I started healing and I slowly started feeling whole again. When I joined form 3, I fell in love with my first boyfriend. He was a campus guy studying in MKU. Having a boyfriend in campus and you are in high school? That was really a big deal and I was the envy amongst the girls in school, because he would come to visit me over the weekends with his friends.

The love I craved for from a man, finally found me. The issue was, in as much as I wanted his love, it was really my father`s love that I craved. But, hey, a beggar is not a chooser. I was satisfied with what I got. It was more than enough for me.

My closest friend, this entire time, was salivating over my man and well, guess what happened next? Yes. I was dumped and he went to her. All the therapy I had gone for ceased!! Vanished like it was nothing. I was back to hurting myself and this time, I intended to finish the job.

I went back to the dormitories and took the bed sheets. I think the process of tying them together to create a rope like structure really had me thinking. Till date, I believe that God was talking to me, He held my hand and I felt His comfort. I was unable to proceed with my plans to take my life.

I did a quantum shift and decided to be better, be the parent I deserved, to love me more. I learnt that I was more important than any man or friend. I chose to heal.

It has been the hardest journey, but I love the progress I am making every day. There are those moments when I sit down and cry and hate my existence and wish I had just ended my life that day, but every time I feel that way, I pray and calmness fills me. So, that is basically how I am healing now; God plus therapy. Plus my dad started to show more concern and love, I am really happy about that. Although each day, I fight off the urge to punch him for all the pain he caused me.

I want to tell everyone who is going through pain because of being neglected that you did not deserve that, I am sorry that happened to you. That you need to be your own parent, that you need to love yourself enough to accept that you are hurt, wounded and in pain.

I hope you know that you are loved, God loves you and you also need to love you. Because you are amazing and the world is a much better place with you in it.?