The journey from 'is' to 'was'

The final week of 2024 turned into a sombre one, for the XIMB 2008-10 RM batch when we all got to know when one of our very adorable friend and philosopher, Ankur Sharma was snatched away cruelly by fate. We all were shocked by what happened and none of us had any meaningful coherent responses either to offer. It is not that we had not seen death, up close, the pandemic snatched people from us not very long ago, but this for some reason felt very different, the pain unexplainable and the loss of words and the range of emotions almost meaningless but surreal. We as a group have lost juniors, seniors along our way and over the last decade or so, but i dont think anything prepares you to lose a batchmate, one with whom you have had arguments, spent countless nights studying/deliberating, exploring the deeper questions of life, the banter in the canteen, the build up and build down post every test and exam.

For a full 2 years of my MBA journey, Ankur remained an integral element. I was one of the younger people in the batch and he was someone who always treated me like an equal. Think about it, how many people would do that in a hyper competitive environment like a B school, but it happens and that is just the kind of person Ankur was to me and always remained so. If you have noticed, I am doing my best to use the 'past tense' here, because while the rules of grammar tell me to use the 'past tense' now, the mind refuses to, stubbornly and might I add, even passionately. This sudden change from Ankur being 'is' to 'was' is a transition am not ready for, not yet.

During our college days, Ankur was someone who would always be willing to offer you help and help out solve any tricky spot you may find or imagine yourselves to be in. Answers were philosophical, helpful, practical but more importantly, he always listened to you. Think about it, are these not rare qualities, something we all want to show but usually find an excuse to not do it, but Ankur never shied away.

Our group assignments were amazing and I had the chance to be on his team quite a few times. His cheerful visage masked the intricate and meticulous manner in which he would plan tasks, shoulder a lion's share himself but ensure everyone in the team felt valued. On the cricket field another place you could find him, he bowled express pace and if you ran into the gym, you could find him there too. Discipline, maintaining a routine were all elements very central to his time during the MBA days, a place where concept of time, work and fun, all get mixed up so terribly, one could lose it all, but he stood right there, doing the right things the right way, having all the fun yet doing very well on the grades too. He was second to none on the dance floor whether it be our block parties or #JLTs or holi celebrations. While I remember all those occasions and all those photographs that are so vividly etched in my mind, I struggle to come to terms with the present, the past offers me solace that the present wants to rip away.

Years later, I met Ankur when i moved to Delhi, he was as welcoming and cheerful as i remembered him from my college days. that kind of warmth you are lucky to get from people in your life and i was lucky. We found more opportunities to meet and connect, but the last i met him was at his child's birthday celebration, 2 years back, yes, time flies and we dont realise it, sometimes. I remember how he sent me the invite weeks in advance and called me to ensure I remember and make it. I still remember how fondly he would insist that I do not make excuses and turn up, warmth mixed with cajoling and some stern-ness, you dont get that from many people.

Our college discussion group remained one of the last places where reason, arguments, critiquing, debating was still cool and he would never shy away from putting his point of view, well reasoned and dispassionate. Post office or sometimes even during office the college whatsapp group used to keep buzzing with news and updates, sometimes cricket, sometimes elections and off late the state of the nation. That whatsapp group is silent since some time now, we noticed he was not as present as he usually was, no one knew he was fighting a battle with time and being the kind of gladiatorial character he always was, he never let anyone know either, lest we remember him differently, i suppose.

That night when the message came about his passing, was the night the group suddenly woke up, it was however not the kind of waking any one of us needed, possibly the rudest awakening, one could imagine or not imagine.

I have been thinking, re-thinking, what is the most significant and lasting impact Ankur's passing would mean to me, it is just this---how i struggle to use 'was' after his name, rather than 'is'.

Ankur Sharma you have been a wonderful friend, mentor, life coach, but above all you have been a brother who always urged me to do the right thing in life. I hope you find peace in the realm you are in and we shall resume our debates when the bell rings for me.