The Journey Continues- Life After the Military

There is a saying- The Life of the Military Spouse is the hardest job in the military. I have a tea cup that says almost that exact same line- but it says Army Spouse, toughest job in the Army.?

Any military spouse can attest to the hardships, the last minute changes and the upheavals our lives go through when our service member has a 24/7/365 life. There are times of fear, joy, anxiousness, excitement and loss. In these times, military spouses rally together and hold each other up. We have an unbreakable bond- like any good sibling, we can pick up exactly where we left off even years after we have not seen each other. It is a life that changes you piece by piece from the inside out. We accept these changes gracefully, with pride and almost unknowingly.?

The journey into the military for a service member is very orchestrated. From Sign-Up to Basic, to Technical School to First Duty Station. There is a checklist and a fixed route.?

As for the military spouse, we don’t have that road map. We have the challenge of figuring things out. Not every journey into the military spouse life is the same for everyone. Unlike the orchestrated Service Member version, for a spouse it is closer to the kindergarten music class practice on the recorder.?

We walk a fine line of running the entire household operations during any training or deployment- and upholding a status of being available to support your service member, the unit and the military. In this cycle, it is easy to lose who you are and put aside your aspirations or career to fulfill the needs of the bigger calling. It is at this time when every military spouse shines! Transferable skills are learned and honed in the first duty station. You as a spouse figure it out. Most likely with the help of all of your new friends, who have been there and done that.

FYI- Military Spouse is not a job title- it is a brand that comes with expectations. Each new company and volunteer organizations in the community needed help! It is a continuous world of service. Military Spouses line up to Chair various programs, sit on school boards, host committees, lead other spouses in fundraising, social event planning and representing spouses in leadership meetings. All these volunteer opportunities had job descriptions, set schedules too. Interviewing was normal and it was about networking.. While we might not get paid and “military spouse” might not be a job title, we hold these volunteer positions and take them seriously.?

?I am going to share a story with you about a woman I met many years ago and her struggle when her husband retired.?

I had met Darla when we were stationed overseas. She and I were introduced by a mutual friend at an all organization level event shortly after they arrived. We were part of the same big organization, but different companies. We hit it off and became friends. Facebook and Instagram were the social outlets we continued to connect on and even though the miles got farther apart, a chat on facebook messenger made the difference go away.

A few years ago Darla sent me a message telling me her husband received a job in a state they had never been to. Like clockwork they moved for the job, said “until next time” to friends and drove several hundred miles to a new home they had purchased through skype calls and pictures. She was home when the moving truck pulled up to unload their things. When the truck was unloaded, she unpacked some of the kitchen, made the bed, and hung some drapes.?

And didn’t open them for several months!

I called Darla after she told me in an out of the blue message her story- she had lost her identity and her tether to a community that was always there.?

She said she knew I would understand.?

“We” came into the military as a package deal, married with children, 2 dogs, 2 cars and a house of furniture. That began our 23 year career with the United States Army.

The very first “duty station”- the new term for work, home, community I had to learn- was a housing area packed with families. People waved as we parked- kids strained to see in our van, service members were coming home from work and the parking area was filling up and people were waiting to see us get out of our car!??

?I understood exactly how Darla felt- but in the opposite way.

Before we joined the military, we had our own home and worked very different careers. Coming into a new culture was a shock! When we bought our first house, nobody came to greet us! The kids met kids the usual way- either in the neighborhood or on the bus or in school. We had a u-haul that we unpacked with the help of family and friends from work.?

The military culture of helping, greeting everyone and being a support from the first day you arrive is part of the career. Having a support group to lean on when you need them is what makes the life of a military spouse unique. The people who rally when you are first driving up to your new home are the same people who you use for emergency contacts, last minute babysitters or borrowing things that you won't have until your household goods show up.?

Darla, leaving the military, experienced a culture shock.

When Darla's husband retired from the service, he got a job offer in a new state, accepted it and they moved. They were 3 hours from a military community. The day the moving truck showed up, Darla was home alone, no one on her street helped, or watched. There were no baskets of baked goods, casseroles or a pre-made dinner to heat up brought over by the new neighbors. Her husband started work 3 days after they closed on the house. The first time they saw it was the walk through the day before.

As I listened, I heard her fear, she was struggling to do things. Her husband's new job was not like the others, no personal calls to the office or cell phones during business hours. He didn’t come home for lunch and she couldn’t go meet him for lunch-? It was a place of business. As a new employee he had to request and submit time for holiday or medical appointments. But first, he had to earn that time.?

Darla had taken the lead in many groups and organizations while her husband was in the service- she had a mission to support, she knew those rules!?

She was struggling with the new rules. She felt abandoned and overwhelmed. She had no friends in the area and most of her older friends were still miles away. Her go to had been a Senior Volunteer Position. That option was not available in this new environment.

We spoke almost daily for a couple of months doing some check-ins. In all our conversations she never said she attended anything for transitioning service members. She never asked. She thought it would be the same, just someplace new.?

It isn’t- it is scary. It is overwhelming and it is a hard pill to swallow that when your service member leaves service, you do too. In whatever capacity you served; this new journey is something you are better doing as a “we.”?

One time I called her and sent her a job posting I found in her area that she qualified for based on what I knew she did. It was for an event planner at the historic museum.. I said we would write the resume together, I would give her interview tips, and I would help her with her networking.?

She told me no. She couldn’t do that job, she wasn’t qualified, didn’t have years of experience.?

She said “I’m just a military spouse with no work experience.” That word! JUST- I don’t like it. The devaluation and devastation one four letter word can cause! It kills confidence, cripples creativity and leaves people feeling less than.?

?Darla was qualified, perhaps even over qualified. In the years I knew Darla she sat on several committees as part of her Senior Military Spouse Duty. She chaired a steering committee for senior level military spouses to plan fundraising, events and the social receptions and balls for the entire organization of more than 2000 people. She wrote her agendas, sent out the invitations for all her meetings, trained new volunteers for positions in the organization and attended our community level monthly meetings as a representative for the larger organization.?

Darla volunteered her time at the middle school working with the librarian, cataloging books, setting up the scholastic job fairs and working closely with the teachers to help them prepare for monthly reading groups and library visits.

We spent a lot of time discussing her value, the skills she has, and what she can offer a company that is highly sought after. We wrote a master resume to show what she had done in a clear version. I helped her to see that she had built a career over the years and that her career was important. We worked on a targeted resume for the job posting I had found earlier. The position had long been closed, but having a dry run of targeted resumes was a good confidence builder.?

A few weeks later Darla went to work, for pay, in a job she was qualified for in the same part of town as her husband!?

She worked hard, she changed her thinking and embraced her abilities and her expertise!?

She opened the drapes, too!

Getting out of the military is a work in progress for all involved. There are stressors on the service member and the spouse. It is a time to start to undo and unlearn a culture, a language and a full life with a very important identity. It is a time when you reflect back on that life and see the career you have carved out for yourself. Take that time to recall those strong skills you have from each move, diplomatic skills in the way you communicate with new audiences and the fact that anything that you have thrown at you- will be taken care of at the end of the day.?

The challenge is real and the road ahead is not always paved.

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