The Journey Back to Being a Mensch: Part 4: Acceptance of Self in the Perception of and Impact on others

There are a few elements that fall into this category:

A)     Our expectation of where we should be in life

B)     How we speak to ourselves

C)     Our vision of who we are versus the vision others have of us

D)    What to do when we react negatively to others

A)     Our expectation of where we should be in life

Many of us strive to be what others are, even when it doesn't align at all with our values. I think part of this is because we have become conditioned to the ‘way things should be’. We measure ourselves constantly against media/elders/societal norms/cultural norms/ our vision of where we thought we would be etc. It goes against your authenticity and being a mensch!

We can sometimes forget about the path, accomplishments and beautifully green grass right under our own feet. Please note that I purposely said ‘our own feet’. It is easy to generalise and describe behaviour in the global form. Again, it’s really important to focus on your own world and reality.

 Action: Let’s look at how full the cup is:

1. - What are your accomplishments (no matter how small, everything counts)
2. - What challenges have you overcome and feel proud of?
3. - What are your strengths?
4. - If there are things you have not yet achieved, what has gotten in the way? What has stopped you from getting there yet/ever?

• If it’s important to you, what do you need to do now to get there? Turn these into bite sized steps. Order them. Then ask yourself: how long will it take (realistically) to achieve each action? Who’s help will you need to achieve it? What other resources will you need? 

A mensch knows how to be grateful and show gratitude for every small element in life.

B)       How we speak to ourselves

Many of us talk to ourselves in ways we would never talk to others. That is not the way of the mensch. If you find yourself verbally berating yourself, ask this question: “if my best friend came to tell me they did that exact thing, what would I tell them?” Listen to your own suggestion! Allow yourself to be imperfect! Ok, so you made a mistake? So what? Learn and try again.

When you keep telling yourself you are ‘not good’,’weak’,’stupid’ or anything else you come up with, you focus on that exact outcome and make it a self-fulfilling prophecy. Not because it is true, but because you don’t give yourself the chance to believe otherwise. A wonderful quote by Wayne Dyer ‘When you change the way you see things, the things you see change’. And it starts with you!

Here is where the mensch comes back in and can act: For the negative statements we play in our own heads, there may be two possibilities:

1.      It’s all in our head and look for evidence to prove we’re right

2.      We’re behaving in a way that is causing a negative reaction from the other person

So, where is the consistent evidence that this is really the case? For example, ‘Nobody loves me’: I am pretty certain that is a gross exaggeration. Who ACTUALLY loves you? What do they love you for? How do they demonstrate their love? For those who you believe don’t love you, what specifically is important about them? And how do you know they really don’t love you? How would you know they love you? Is there any evidence that you are getting that from them?

Are we factual and needing to make some positive changes? If so, break those changes down, give it a time-frame and get acting!

If you are just treating yourself badly, then stop. Acknowledge that you are being unfair with yourself and let it go. That is a true mensch.

For those same negative statements, find at least one example where the statement is not true. Once you are able to find one example, others will soon follow.

A funny friend of mine once said: ‘we are all crazy, you just need to find the same kind of crazy!’ The world has all sorts of people and is big enough for us all. To be your best, speak with love, respect and flexibility about yourself and to yourself.

C)  Our vision of who we are versus the vision others have of us

A mensch always strives to know the truth and the whole picture. We have already mentioned how important self-love is in the life of a mensch. A mensch is also concerned with the impact they have on others. It’s important because he/she is part of many communities and seeks to do good within those communities.

Some of us seem to find giving compliments quite easy - a good mensch behaviour - but receiving them really tough. In fact many of us seem to bat off and dismiss what others see as our qualities. This may be because we have a different view of ourselves and/or take ourselves for granted.

We really have no right to dismiss someone else’s opinion of us, especially if the compliment is specific and factual. They have a right to their opinion. They believe you have done something to earn it. If we want to understand the compliment better – or just need to be convinced – ask for specifics. That’s a true mensch! If they can give them, then our job is ACCEPT what they say, be a mensch and say THANK YOU. If you are unsure what they are referring to, ask them to be more specific.

Accept the views of those who we value us (not those who are out to hurt us)

o Acknowledge their vision/opinions of us when they are supported by evidence

o Realise that their vision of us is a part of who we are too!

o Acknowledge we are interesting/strong/great/fun/intelligent/talented etc...

D)  What to do when we react negatively to others

There may be days where we lose it. Where we react in ways with which we are not happy. As previously mentioned, you are human and sometimes we lose it. 

A mensch acknowledges these moments can happen, but in no way ignores them. Being a mensch in these circumstances means taking ownership for our behaviour and acting with integrity. And when we do something that doesn’t feel great, we:

For self:

·      Recognise what we did

·      Think about the impact it has had

·      Take action to rectify or better the situation

o  Both with self and the other person/people involved

For others, when needed:

o Apologise

o Research ways to change behaviours we are not proud of and/or consistently fall into.

§ And get help!

• We have sometimes built habits over a long period of time. Changing those is nearly impossible and when focusing on ‘stopping the old habit’, we unconsciously focus on the old behaviour and reinforce it. (Ironic, huh?)
• Creating new habits that serve you better is key. Science tells us it can take at least 21 days of practising the new behaviour consistently to create new habits. Some of us, can do it alone and some of us need help and tools that have worked for others. Get help if you need it.
• There are moments where we can try over and over again and get pretty much nowhere. We are just too emotionally involved to be able to look at the detail. So get external help to make you think it through.

o   Sometimes all it takes is a well put question to get the ball rolling

o   Added bonus to getting help: you get to vent to someone who is completely neutral (make sure they are). A coach, counsellor or therapist is able to take what you would have a hard time saying to those you are close to. And you don’t need to mince your words. In fact the opposite is best.

Every Step Can Make a Difference

Let’s allow ourselves to be on the journey we are on, imperfections, mistakes and all. We can gain strength and wisdom from those moments. A mensch recognises there is nothing we can do about our yesterdays except learn from them, use the learning and change the way we think about them.

What we do today counts. Use the learning. Forgive ourselves and others and look for the lessons from those moments. Those bumps are information and feedback that allow us to alter our approach until we get it right and sail over it. Grow and take new steps. Even songs are written about taking all those positive steps. For example, The First Five Chapters – Dianne Reeves.

To deepen your understanding, see the other parts of this article and our articles on goal setting:

If you want to reach out to us, you can contact us via our LinkedIn page, email us at [email protected] or tweet at @InfintBlaze_HD and we’ll be happy to speak with you. And if you like these articles, please share them.

? Judith Hammer and Adrian DeCoursey, InfinitBlaze, October 2020

About InfinitBlaze Consultancy

We are a learning, leadership development and consulting practice. Everything we value and everything we strive to achieve is so the people and organisations with which we work can create profitable & sustainable enterprises, social engagement, human development and feel joy at work.

Judith Hammer is a multi-lingual, international learning and development professional with 20 years experience in consulting, designing and delivering L&D initiatives/solutions to all staff levels in a variety of international and UK-based companies. Her non-consultancy roles have included head of learning and development for hotels in London and HSBC Bank in Switzerland.

Adrian DeCoursey – Adie to his friends – is a strategic advisor and executive coach to CEOs, boards and leadership teams. He is also an international consultant, leadership coach, author and trainer. In a career spanning over thirty years, he has worked with the UK and foreign governments, corporate banks, the not for profit sector and a variety of other organisations. His non-consultancy roles have included marketing director, culture & change director, deputy chief executive and non-executive director.