The Journey Back to Being a Mensch Part 2: Self-Love

For the sake of this article, self-love is about:

• self-worth (allowing ourselves to be who we are)
• self-efficacy (recognising, recording and celebrating our qualities)
• allowing for our imperfections, faults and mistakes
• giving ourselves as much importance as we give others

We may get knocks in life, which we can generalise to create fears and misconceptions about ourselves, others or situations. To put it another way, we can create self-fulfilling prophecies and even self-sabotage. I mean that. You can be your best friend or your worst enemy. You can empower or disempower yourself through your beliefs, focus and self-talk (internal dialogue).

One of the more damaging ones is the belief that we are less important than others. Well, here is the good news; that’s wrong. We are as important as anyone else in our life. Furthermore, we are THE MOST important person because we create our own path even if we don’t make a conscious choice. 

Many people when feeling low, try to focus on helping others. How can we be our best, if we are not well within ourselves? Allowing yourself importance in your relationships and life are a part of the essence of being a mensch. Think of being on a flight. If there is a change in cabin air pressure, you are instructed by the crew to put your mask on first and then help others. If you don’t, something could happens to you, and you won’t be there for the others. The concept of Self-Love is the same.

As children, we thought our parents were the most important and wise people in the world. In our first love encounters, it became the other person. For parents, the children become the most important. If you carry that belief, you are constantly telling yourself that everyone’s needs come before yours.

Over time, that strategy becomes a habit and ends up biting you in the rear-end: you allow everyone to have a say or be, and you leave no space for yourself. Their needs are met, and you just accept or go with the flow. And the more you do this, the more they expect it of you and the more they take over and impose their way (even unconsciously). The more this happens, the less you allow yourself to be you and address your needs or make others aware of them. The more this is the case, the fewer boundaries there are in relationships. This can be damaging.

Have you ever exploded in indignation only to find the other person completely baffled as to why their behaviour is suddenly so ‘wrong’? Guess what, you may be responsible, because you have trained them. You conditioned them to believe it was okay! They may not have known it was a problem to you. Hind-sight is a great teacher. So let’s look at developing our self-love and allowing others to know what is important to us.

Think of people you admire in life: how do they portray themselves in the eyes of others? What are their key perceived qualities? Write these down as these are qualities you might aspire to. Do you believe they see themselves in self-love or do they put themselves down compared to others? They are people just like me and you, not perfect but they believe in their worth. You need to do the same.

Notice, when doing this exercise, we only focus on the things we ‘like’. That’s because negative statements direct thinking towards the ‘negative behaviour’ which is a waste of time and energy. We are looking for self-efficacy: recognising our qualities and identifying consistent examples of those qualities, strengths and achievements.

 Questions to ask yourself:

-       Who are you? (what kind of person are you)

1. Where do you come from (your origins)

• What about those are you proud of?
• What in your childhood/upbringing are you proud of and help you identify with yourself?

2. What do you love about yourself?

• Character traits
• Values and beliefs
• Skills
• Actions and accomplishments
• Strengths
• Features

Little note: we are not asking you to be narcissistic, egocentric or arrogant. We are asking you to make a realistic assessment of your qualities and value.

Here are some examples of self-love to help you think through this process:

• Proper rest/nutrition
• Regular exercise and staying fit – prioritising your heath
• Going to the doctor when there is a need
• Making time for self no matter who you are with
• Voicing your needs
• Standing up for your beliefs in a calm and measured way
• Asking for help
• Accepting feedback
• Believing you are as important as others

o  Same portion of food to yourself as to others

o  Allowing yourself the time to have recreational time

• When in a relationship, both attending one another's’ idea of recreational activity / meeting friends (versus only attending ones’ and barely the others’)
• Alone time / time to spend with your friends, if you need it
• This list is not exhaustive – add your own examples

Start building and enjoying the you and all parts about you. The more you do, and the more detail in the reasons, the more you can build on ‘you’ and not needing external validation for being exactly who you are, warts and all.

And you can always ask others the same questions about you. These guidelines can be useful:

• Ask specific questions and ask for specific examples of when that has been the case: this is evidence and ensures there is a foundation for the feedback
• Accept the answers because:

1. their perception of you may take you by surprise. You have to accept that it is their truth and their experience of you given it is factual and evidenced
2. we are often dismissive of ourselves. If a few people highlight the same positive qualities, accept add them to your list

• Be grateful and recognise what you bring to others
• No ‘buts’, ‘however’, ‘it’s nothing’ etc. (that’s dismissing)
• Say THANK YOU

To deepen your understanding, see the the other parts of this article and our article on goal setting:

If you want to reach out to us, you can contact us via our LinkedIn page, email us at [email protected] or tweet at @InfintBlaze_HD and we’ll be happy to speak with you. And if you like these articles, please feel free to share them.

? Judith Hammer and Adrian DeCoursey, InfinitBlaze, July 2020

About InfinitBlaze Consultancy

Judith Hammer is a multi-lingual, international learning and development professional with 20 years experience in consulting, designing and delivering L&D initiatives/solutions to all staff levels in a variety of international and UK-based companies. Her non-consultancy roles have included head of learning and development for hotels in London and HSBC Bank in Switzerland.

Adrian DeCoursey – Adie to his friends – is a strategic advisor and executive coach to CEOs, boards and leadership teams. He is also an international consultant, leadership coach, author and trainer. In a career spanning over thirty years, he has worked with the UK and foreign governments, corporate banks, the not for profit sector and a variety of other organisations. His non-consultancy roles have included marketing director, culture & change director, deputy chief executive and non-executive director. Adie is co-author of Neuro Linguistic Programming: NLP for Executive and Professional Development