Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules for Life Summary

Intro

I currently have a goal of reading 20 books by the end of the year. I am over halfway there; this is my first annotation of a book. I have taken notes on most of the books I have read this year, a new habit I am still in the process of stabilizing. Before taking notes I noticed I wasn’t able to recall some of the main points in some of my favorite books, such as The Power of Habit or Blink. I enjoyed Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life so much I decided to write a summary and personal takeaway for each chapter, so it is more deeply ingrained in my memory.

Keep in mind I am summarizing a brilliant 368-page book into nine pages.  This book is important for today’s society and I encourage you to read it all the way through.

Rule 1 Stand up straight with your shoulders back

This rule was undoubtedly my favorite of the 12. Peterson opens the chapter discussing lobsters and the way they interact with each other in their respective dominance hierarchy.

Lobsters will run to their nest when they detect a predator in nearby water. If they are far away from their nest they run to the nearest nest they can find. Often, the lobster that owns that nest will be occupying it, thus stirring up tension between the two lobsters. When lobsters see each other in this instance a standoff begins.

In the standoff, the two lobsters jump up and down with their claws and emit a liquid that tells the other lobster its size, sex, claw size, and mood. From here lobsters can decide if they want to fight or not. If they fight and one lobster flips the other lobster on its back, the flipped lobster still has the opportunity to retreat. If the flipped lobster doesn’t give up after this the two lobsters go to the final height of the fight, which can result in death or serious injury to the losing lobster. At this point, the lobsters are clawing at each other trying to break a leg or antenna.

Peterson also explains that lobsters have two main chemicals in their brains; serotonin and octopamine. Serotonin is in some species of animals, like the lobster, as well as humans. In humans, serotonin is a chemical that nerve cells produce. Interestingly enough, Serotonin reuptake inhibitors are a common anti-depressant prescribed to humans. Prozac has also been proven to cheer up lobsters in studies.

Serotonin impacts every part of your body, from your emotions to your motor skills. Serotonin is considered a natural mood stabilizer. It’s the chemical that helps with sleeping, eating, and digesting. Having more serotonin can reduce depression, regulate anxiety, heal wounds, and maintain bone health. A lack of serotonin can be a contributor to depression and anxiety.

High serotonin/low octopamine levels characterize the victor of the lobster standoff. The winning lobster is more confident after the fight, more likely to win its next fight, and can fend off previous opponents by just waving its antennae in a threatening manner. 

The losing lobster is punished with the opposite configuration, low serotonin/high octopamine, that produces a defeated-looking, scrunched-up, skulking sort of lobster. This lobster is more likely to lose its next fight, even if it is facing an opponent it defeated before.

Essentially, the top lobsters keep dominating while the losing lobsters keep losing. This leads to the same principle of uneven distribution that is found in our society; the top 1 % of lobsters has as much “loot” as the bottom 50%. In humans, this contrast extends even further.

The lobster analogy is fascinating because it is so relatable. The top lobsters, similar in some respect to the top humans, occupy the best shelter, get the best rest, have the widest range of mating choices, and eat the best food. The female lobsters are able to identify the top male lobsters and are irresistibly attracted to them. Peterson also states that lobsters, and thus complex dominance hierarchies, have been around for 350 million years.

Peterson wraps up the lobster talk by bringing it full-circle to humans. The way you’re judged by peers increases or decreases the serotonin levels in your brain. When serotonin levels are low and stress is high it can render you useless, shutting down your immune system, rendering you impulsive to jump at short-term pleasure, like mating or drugs or alcohol.

On the contrary, high levels of serotonin might make you view change as an opportunity, leaving you calm. With higher levels, you don’t need to grab impulsively at things that come your way. Peterson also notes that sleeping and eating habits must be consistent for high levels of serotonin to endure. This is why anxiety and depression can’t be cured with unpredictable daily routines.

Peterson claims to stand up straight with your shoulders back is to accept the terrible responsibility of life, with eyes wide open. People will look at you as if you are more self-confident, regardless if you are. Speak your mind. Put your desires forward as if you have a right to them. Look for your inspiration the victorious lobster, with its 350M years of practical wisdom. Stand up straight with your shoulders back.

Other key points in this chapter include:

·        Naive, harmless people guide their perceptions and actions with a few axioms: people are basically good; no one wants to hurt anyone else, the threat of force is wrong. In the face of malevolence, these axioms collapse, and their beliefs can become a positive invitation to abuse since malevolent people prey on precisely that. Therefore, the axioms of harmlessness must be retooled for these people.

·        The following people are more susceptible to being bullied. People who are by temperament compassionate and self-sacrificing- particularly if they are also high in negative emotion, and make noises of suffering when someone sadistic confronts them. People who have decided that all forms of aggression, including even feelings of anger, are morally wrong. Peterson says these people often grow up with fathers who were excessively angry and controlling. (I have a few friends that fit this description to a tee, and unfortunately so do their dads.)

My Takeaway

The way you carry yourself in everyday life is the first step you must take in your lifelong ascendance in the dominance hierarchy, assuming is your goal. A righteous posture will boost other people’s opinion of you, which in turn, should boost your own confidence. Speaking your mind with confidence in both your voice and posture will inadvertently give you a better chance for a more optimal outcome.

My thoughts regarding lobsters and the dominance hierarchy are simple: We know that humans, like lobsters, thrive off of past successes and are mentally entrapped by past failures. Fully understanding this, we should 1) encourage friends and family to keep trying when they are discouraged at something they genuinely enjoy and are good at 2) set small goals for ourselves in shorter increments of time to intrinsically motivate ourselves to achieve larger, more prominent goals.   

Rule 2 Treat yourself like someone you are responsible for helping

Peterson opens the chapter by saying people who need kidney medication take their medication less than people who give it to their pet dogs. Through a few biblical references, namely Adam and Eve, Peterson comes to the conclusion that this is the case Because nobody knows your insecurities, flaws, awkwardness, and body more than you.

In this chapter, Peterson focuses on the differences between order and chaos. According to Peterson chaos is all those things and situations we neither know nor understand. Order is when everything is certain and things are going to plan. The Shire of the Hobbit is order, while the underground kingdom of dwarves, usurped by Smaug is chaos. When life suddenly reveals itself as intense, gripping, and meaningful; when time passes and you're so engrossed in what you're doing you don't notice - it is there that you’re located precisely on the border between order and chaos.

Peterson then makes the point that even if you lock your kid in the basement and protect him from violence, drugs, and porn, he will be open to another danger: uselessness.

My Takeaway

In my life, I find that having a 60/40 or 70/30 mix of order and chaos stimulates me. I try to experience a new activity every two months, whether it be an adventure such as skydiving or relaxing in a sensory deprivation tank. Having a kick-ass job that gives me many different tasks that are engaging and interesting also helps a lot with this.

I also resonate with the danger of uselessness. I think we all knew at least one kid growing up that was sheltered as an adolescent, and consequently rebellious at an older age.

Along with this topic of uselessness, I recall the story of the Buddha. Buddha went from being sheltered and spoiled and catered to in his dad’s palace (ultimate order) to being a peasant/serf on the streets (ultimate chaos). In both extreme circumstances, he felt utterly useless. The full story much more interesting than those two lines!

Rule 3 Make friends with people who want the best for you   

Peterson’s main point in this chapter is this: if you surround yourself with people who support your upward aim, they will not tolerate cynicism and destructiveness. They will instead encourage you when you do good for yourself and others and punish you carefully when you do not. People who are not aiming up will do the opposite. They will offer an alcoholic a beer. They will become jealous when you succeed. Mostly they are damaging you because your new improvements case their faults in an even dimmer light. Peterson argues this is why some people stay with the same crappy friend group their whole life. It's easier than moving into relationships with better people who want the best for you and everyone.

My Takeaway

This is one of the most straightforward chapters in the book. The hardest skill to master from this rule is knowing whether somebody actually wants the best for you or not. Thankfully, Peterson does give some indications of how to find such a person. To summarize, you should look for someone who challenges you to be your best self, even if purely by their example (their intelligence, their self-confidence, their physical health etc.). 

Rule 4 Compare Yourself to who you were Yesterday, not to who someone else is today

Peterson opens the chapter saying that with the new age of social media it is now much more obvious that there is always somebody better at a certain activity than you, whereas before you could have been the bee’s knees in a smaller town.

Peterson eloquently says, “what you aim at determines what you see.” Peterson says sometimes our internal voice, morphed by social media, can mislead us. If our internal voice measures us on one domain (fame, money, etc.), we are more likely to be depressed or displeased. In reality, there are dozens of things we should measure (family, friends, work). He uses the following example to demonstrate his point. Imagine a celebrity you admire is famous, but is also a drunk bigot, while you have a good family life. Who truly has it better?                                                    

Peterson uses a famous Carl Rodgers experiment to show that sometimes even though what we need is right in front of us we ignore it because our mind is fixated on something else we want.

Peterson uses this example to demonstrate how to go about approaching things: You want your bosses job. You can’t have it. If you focus on that you’ll be unhappy whereas if you’d say I want my life to be better and I’m willing to change things and work hard to make it better than your vision is more aligned.

My Takeaway

It is substantially easier and more effective (depending on your personality) to take small daily strides and set daily goals to become a better person than to set one long-term goal with no path to get there.

A key takeaway from this chapter is to ignore social media. The .0001% of famous athletes, actors, and musicians you see on social media might be rich, but they still have problems like you and me. Being normal is not bad. Being normal in some aspects of your life is good. As a society, we need to realize being an extraordinary dad, husband, mom, wife, son, daughter, or friend is quite an amazing feat. Not many people can say they are one of those things, so focus on improving yourself. Find what makes you happy, and try to keep the noise extreme examples the media provides to a whisper. Turn off the news and go for a walk with your significant other.

Rule 5 Don’t let your children do anything that makes you dislike them

In this chapter Peterson gives a cutthroat version of how to parent a young child (between 2-4). He claims parents are afraid to correct their kids because they want the child’s friendship. Parents are the arbiters of society. They teach children how to behave so other people will be able to act meaningfully and productively with them. It is an act of responsibility to discipline a child.

He says when a toddler strikes his mother repeatedly in the face, it is to dominate her. To see if he can get away with it. Violence is the default; peace is the mystery. Peace is difficult, learned, inculcated, earned. He explains that children hit first because aggression is innate. Toddlers are the most violent people because they’re exploring their impulsive desires and discover the limits of permissible behavior. A consistent correction of action indicates the limits of acceptable aggression to the child.

Throughout the chapter Peterson provides examples of himself dealing with his own children, as well as others. He also outlines hypothetical situations like the following: a three-year-old won’t share, the parents pretend its ok and say nothing, then snap at her later for something unrelated. Then the three-year-old is hurt and confused but learns nothing. Later in life, when she tries making friends it won’t go well because of her lack of social sophistication. Children her own age won’t want to play with her. She will be lonely and rejected which produces anxiety, depression, and resentment.

His ending claim is this; you can discipline your children or worse, you can turn the responsibility over to the hard judgmental world. Children need to learn to behave because they’re dependent on adults, and they know this. If a child hasn’t been taught how to behave by four then it will be forever more difficult, because at this stage they start getting alienated from their peers, ceasing to develop.

Peterson also provides a list of rules for parenting. I have listed a few below.

1) limit the rules 2) Use the least force necessary to enforce those rules 3) Parents should come in pairs 4) parents should understand their capacity to be harsh, vengeful, arrogant, resentful, angry, and deceitful Ex. don't let a temper tantrum at the store make you turn a cold shoulder later when the kid brings you a painting 5) parents have a duty to act as a proxy for the real world.

My Takeaway

Although I don’t have kids I can resonate with the psychology behind the points Peterson is making. A lot of blame in today’s society gets put on teachers, coaches, other kids, and other adults. Not enough blame gets put onto parents. It would be an interesting study to put cameras in various households and watch parents raise their kids over the years. After, the examiners of the study could go back and note the love, affection, disciplinary action, time spent teaching, time spent encouraging/discouraging, etc. from the parents. Then they could examine how the child interacts with society, the mannerisms they possess, and ultimately their success.

Rule 6 Set your house in perfect order before you criticize the world

Peterson opens the chapter with quotes from the Columbine shooters. He talks about murderers who say they murder after realizing the injustice and unfairness of life. They say, "nobody deserves to live".

Peterson recognizes the evil in these people but says just as many people who were bullied or raped learned good behavior instead of holding vengeance. A majority of abusers don't go on to beat their kids. It falls over generations.

Peterson closes the chapter by stating that we know with our moral fiber what is wrong. If we are doing something wrong, we should stop on our own accord. We shouldn't blame anyone or anything else for our suffering when we have so much to improve upon ourselves. "If you cannot bring peace to your household, how dare you try to rule a city.”

My Takeaway

If we all focused on improving ourselves instead of criticizing others the world would be a better place.

An interesting thought from this chapter: A hurricane is an act of god. The flood control act of 1965 mandated improvements in the levee system. When Katrina hit only 60% of the work was done. Failure to prepare is not an act of god.

Rule 7 Pursue what is meaningful (not what is expedient)

Peterson claims that the successful among us delay gratification. The successful among us bargain with the future. The successful sacrifice. Cain becomes jealous and bitter because his sacrifices aren't good enough for God. If he didn't try he would have himself to blame. By him trying and being rejected- he has lost both the present and the future. Realizing this his soul darkens and that's when he confronts God and eventually kills Abel.

Peterson also talks about Christ in the dessert refusing Satan's temptation of turning rocks into bread. He says those who follow the word of God do well and bring good to themselves and all the people around them. If we all dined on God's word, nobody would be hungry.

Peterson says the greatest temptation is to desire all the power to control the kingdom. Such power invites darkness. The lust for blood, rape, and destruction is part of power's attraction. People desire power to avoid suffering and to overcome the subjugation to want, disease, and death. Power means the capacity to take vengeance, ensure submission, and crush enemies. Peterson says, "we think the desire to enslave requires explanation. We have it backwards.”

My Takeaway

Peterson wraps up his own chapter better than I can. He uses the following words verbatim: Ask yourself, "how could I use my time to make things better, instead of worse?" This could be as simple as cleaning your room or making dinner for your family. Once you place this at the top of your value-hierarchy you may find a deeper meaning to life.

Rule 8 Tell the truth - Or at lease don't lie

Peterson tells a few stories about mentally ill patients that appreciated him being honest with them. He argues that taking the easy way out or telling the truth are not merely two different choices. They are different pathways through life. They are utterly different ways of existing.

Peterson argues that hiding from others also means suppressing and hiding the potentialities of the unrealized self. If you say no say to your boss or wife or parents when it needs to be said you will build character. If all you say is yes your character will be weak and eventually, you will find yourself doing terrible things.

Peterson says deceit is the greatest threat to civilization.

My Takeaway

Lies don’t solve 90% of problems. Honesty is appreciated a lot more than we think in society. The worst lie you can commit is lying to yourself. You can tell yourself you didn’t do something because you didn’t have the time. Deep down you know (or should know) that you just didn’t make the time. When you lie to yourself you will have no problem lying to others. When you lie to others, it becomes a lifestyle. This kind of lifestyle is detrimental to your own mental health and sanity.

If something is bothering you, whether it be in a relationship, a career, or even the way you hear others talking about something or someone, you should speak up. You don’t have to be rude or malevolent about it.

Being honest is rewarding and scary. If you fail, you have no scapegoats. But once you succeed, you can harness the full feeling of bliss that you earned.

Rule 9 Assume that the person you are listening to might know something you don't

This chapter is self-explanatory for the most part.

At one point, Peterson talks about Carl Rodgers. Rodgers said when having a debate if you really want to challenge each other to listen you have to restate the other person’s ideas to their satisfaction before speaking and arguing their point. This idea fascinated me, and I imagine it would be as hard as it sounds to do such a thing.

My Takeaway

Be more like Socrates. In society, a lot of people are lost in their own ideas and political affiliations. People think that they are right, or their political party is right, and there are no other solutions. I’m not sure if the fixation is on winning, or power, or something else. Whatever it is, it’s annoying as hell.

Try putting yourself in somebody else’s shoes. Try listening instead of interrupting. Be open to thoughts and ideas instead of being rigid and impossible to even have a debate with.

Rule 10 Be precise in your speech

Peterson says we are simple only when the world behaves meaning- we don’t think about how complex things are until they aren’t working. He uses automobiles breaking down to explain his thoughts on this.

Everything Is up for grabs when the deeper realities of the world manifest themselves. A large portion of this chapter is focused on how a wife’s perception of her husband and marriage is perceived once she finds out her husband cheats on her.  After a husband cheats, a wife’s perception of her husband and herself change, her reality changes, and her past even changes.

Peterson argues that in a relationship, we often say to ourselves, “oh I can put up with it”, and maybe we should. But even if we’re wrong, a fight with peace as the goal will reveal the truth. If you don’t say anything in a relationship, the monster under the rug gains a few more pounds.

Peterson makes the point that a fidelity in a marriage is much more than meets the eye. Peterson closes the thought by saying it will plague both parties for the rest of their life. What they did to ensure the outcome of cheating was nothing: they didn’t notice, didn’t react, didn’t attend, didn’t discuss, didn’t consider, didn’t work for peace, didn’t take responsibility, and didn’t confront the chaos. They waited for the chaos to rise up and engulf them instead.

Peterson closes the chapter with the following message: when things fall apart, and chaos re-emerges, we can give structure to it, and re-establish order, through our speech. If we speak carefully and precisely, we can sort things out, and put them in their proper place, and set a new goal, and navigate to it. However, if we speak carelessly and imprecisely things remain vague and there is no negotiating through the world.

My Takeaway

This chapter is all about communication and talking about your feelings. After reading this chapter I actually disclosed some things that had previously bothered me in my relationship with my girlfriend. I explained I wanted to be as open and honest as possible. It was incredibly hard bringing up things that made me insecure or feel poor, but after we discussed them and why they made me feel that way I felt a whole lot better. It felt like a previously invisible weight I was bearing was relieved.

Rule 11 Do not bother children when they are skateboarding

Rule 11 is all about understanding how to view and treat risk, as well as understanding social behavior.  Peterson shells out some powerful statistics including the following; Children in a fatherless household are four times more likely to be poor. Children with two parents are less anxious, depressed, and delinquent. Children in single-parent families are twice as likely to commit suicide.

Peterson also discusses the following topics: declining numbers of men attending higher education versus females, the idea that gender cannot be both a social construct and someone who is a transsexual man trapped in a woman’s body, how men have to be independent because men and woman like an independent man, and how Peterson doesn’t understand why people think men are always oppressors when they have invented many things for the benefit of all females such as Tampax, anesthesia for labor, and birth control. His defense and reasoning for these positions are very detailed and make a lot of sense.

My Takeaway

What I took from this chapter is that people in today’s society are too risk-averse. Risks can fulfill psychological needs we have as human beings. Peterson is saying we shouldn’t interfere with the risks that others take. Putting skatestoppers up only prevents others from trying to fulfill their risks in life. These risks, big and small ultimately help prepare us for the future.

Rule 12 Pet a cat when you encounter one on the street

Peterson claims we all have to suffer. The Superman franchise almost died because Superman had no weaknesses for some point in the life cycle of the popular comic.

Peterson goes into great detail about the suffering him and his family endured, and for the most part, has overcome. This chapter is very powerful and tugged on my own emotional chords.  

Peterson closes the chapter by saying: If you pay careful enough attention, even on a bad day, you may be fortunate enough to be confronted with small opportunities such as petting a cat. Peterson uses cats because cats are their own beings and do whatever they want. If a cat lets you pet it for 10 seconds, it’s because the cat wanted to. Small things that give you a reminder that the wonder of being might make up for the ineradicable suffering that accompanies it, even if it’s for a couple of seconds.

My Takeaway

Peterson closes the book by reminding us all that life is full of suffering, we are meant to suffer. We have to proceed each day knowing this and doing our best to combat it. Peterson uses a lot of personal examples in this chapter, going into great detail about his daughter’s various health issues. He and his family partially combated the suffering by doing their best to have a set time to discuss the suffering and the progress or next steps each day. Aside from that set time, he did his best to forget about it during his daily activities.

Although it is hard to forget about suffering, Peterson makes a good point to close the book. We all need to appreciate smaller joys in life while we can because there will always be suffering and hardships we will have to overcome.