This job is not for me.. maybe

I am an overnight success. You probably are too. For context “last night” I graduated from college. I’m proud to say I negotiated a starting wage of $11.50 per hour an hour instead of the $10.50 I was initially offered. Today I am the HR director of the Dolan Auto Group. I use HR Director as a “loose” term. I’ve been given the opportunity to learn on the job as the support person for payroll, insurance liability, security, facilities/maintenance, and Human Resources.

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My omission above is obviously the term “overnight”; 18 years is a more accurate depiction of the time-measured journey. I struggled not only with learning my craft but also learning about myself. I’ve found in my career that you may have had similar experiences.

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I always knew I had flaws. I have insecurities. I have weaknesses. I suffer from bouts of being shallow. I sometimes find it hard to show that I care. In the past I found myself lost.

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Before I worked for my current company, I would have described myself as loving, kind, empathetic, and curious. I was lying and didn’t know it.

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I had to be trained on what I thought I was versus who I am. My current employer gifted me with the opportunity to learn the tools I needed to show my real feelings. I am blessed to have friends I care about to tell me how terrible a person I truly was prior to learning new ways to behave. I am even more blessed to have them cheer me on to being a better version of myself.

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I seized on an opportunity that helped me learn certain skills. Skills like showing empathy, showing compassion, showing grace, and living gratitude.

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I learned that believing in these values is very different than living these values.

The Dolan Auto Group gifted me with a teacher named Mark Wright. Mr. Wright and my closest friends and cohorts at Dolan Auto Group told me I was broken (I’m being nice to myself I think they said I was a complete mess)… AND ALSO loved. I now know I am deserving of this love. I hurt myself and then hurt others to make me feel ok about it. I blamed it on everything and everyone. They deserved my wrath and sarcastic wit because, in short ,I gave me self-inflicted wrath and self-deprecation.

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So… why have I stayed at my current “job” I use quotes because it isn’t a job it’s my home. Why am I still here using a Human Resources background to help people sell cars.

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“I won’t be here in five years” these were my sentiments to a now cherished coworker/friend 6 years ago. I can’t be at a job for more than five years because companies don’t appreciate people and I don’t appreciate them.

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I’m going to ramble for a bit here. Follow along if you have ever hated your boss and knew your job didn’t deserve you.

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I took a job once based on the charm and charisma of my hiring vice president. She is a delight and well respected across her chosen industry. Three months later she apologized to me and said she would be gone soon. Jump forward 3 more months, I had a new boss. She was gracious, kind, and encouraging. She didn’t have the charming charisma of the prior boss instead she provided a comfort I can only compare to my grandmothers bowl of matzoh ball soup. She too left in less than a year. Next was a corporate stand in who strutted the halls with the confidence of a seasoned veteran that watched from afar and then quickly realized his predecessors had been correct in realizing their short term fates were sealed early on. After feeling confident he had found a new HR professional to lead the team, he hustled back to his corporate office and then escaped the grasps of our corporate overlords soon after. Left with this new unknown seemingly under-qualified VP of HR, I found myself exhausted and it showed. I was disrespectful and arrogant; I did not respect her or myself. She punished me for my quiet insubordinate behavior. To be honest she was the wrong boss for me and at the time I deserved a spiteful boss. She was trying to show a team she was stronger, smarter, and better adept to lead than the idiot number 2 she was saddled with ( to be clear I am the idiot entitled and arrogant number 2). I knew I was most likely going to be fired. I didn’t want to work there. I knew this in month 6 but now I was in month 26. So I faked a mindset change, I learned later from Mark Wright that this change was a short term solution to my own long term problems.

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So I played a part and pretended to be a good soldier. Guess what!?!? It worked! Kind of. She then felt like a good leader!

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I know in hindsight sustainability was going to be a long shot. Next surprise, we both don’t work there anymore.

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I soon after stumbled upon my current home and place of employment. The interview process had its own incredible beginning. I can’t wait to tell this story in another post. I got the job, maybe they saw my shortcomings and took me in from the cold anyway.

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In short keep pushing yourself. Keep grinding away at making yourself better. The people who care about you most will see it and support you. They will cheer you on, then bring you with them to places you never knew existed. When you find this, you will find home.

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While the HR job at Dolan Auto might not have been “the right gig for me” theoretically speaking. And six years later this work might not be what I’m best at, however, I have to say the love and support fits me perfectly. Being the recipient of this support isn’t work at all, it’s success. After my 18 year overnight success; I’m full of gratitude for the Dolan Auto Group that still welcomes me as one of their own everyday!