Action Movie Idea: The Job Interview from Hell

Author's Note: What do you think? Can we turn this article into a movie? Actually, I don't care that much about making a movie, I just want to help you get a job that you really, truly love. Here goes...

"This interview is really not going well," you think as your interviewer throws a stapler so close to your head that you can see Made in Thailand on the bottom. It's the third thing she has thrown at you, and you are already running down the hall from her office, where you see two options: the corridor or down the stairs.

On some cop show years ago, you heard the guidance to never run into a corner, so you head for the stairs and the many floors below.

"That was a horrible answer!" screams your attacker, who three minutes ago seemed like a very pleasant 30-something woman from HR. Her coffee mug brushes your back as it slams into the wall behind you.

"What did I do?" you squeak, barely able to get the words out as you descend the stairs as fast as you dare. You struggle to hear her response, then realize she's not talking to you at all; she's on the phone with Security.

"We have a 422 in the A Stairwell, heading down from floor 31. Need assistance STAT!"

Security, you think? She's calling Security on me? The HR Fanatic who can't stop tossing office supplies at my head? I'm the problem?

Barely fifteen seconds later, the stairwell lighting shifts from normal to red, and the Voice of Big Brother booms from hidden speakers. "Insincere Job Seeker, you are instructed to halt your movement and await the arrival of our Security team. Continued movement will only further reduce our opinion of you."

You take stock. In reality, you're more unnerved than hurt. The HR Fanatic can't be more than 105 pounds, and she appears to be out of objects to fling at you. Plus, she's now three flights behind you. You slow your pace, struggling to see anything now that the hallway looks more like a seedy night club than a Fortune 500 corporate headquarters.

As you reach floor 24, the fire doors open and three broad-chested Security men block your path. One holds the largest iPad you have ever seen.

"I am so glad to see you guys," you can't help but exclaim. "This woman is nuts!"

iPad Guy takes a step forward. "Candidate 12,414, you have been flagged as ignorant and insincere."

Your head cocks to one side. "Huh?" is about all you can say. No career site has ever prepared you for a job interview process that included Men in Black and a psychotic interviewer.

The iPad starts to play a video of your interview; your voices boom from the stairwell's hidden speakers.

HR Fanatic: So, you do have any questions for me?

YOU: Not really, everyone knows that this is a top-notch company.

HR Fanatic: Why do you say that?

YOU: Well, um... it's common knowledge. You're a big Fortune-whatever firm and a market leader.

HR Fanatic: A leader of which market, exactly?

YOU: Uh, well, you know, most industries... I guess.

HR Fanatic: Actually, our industrial gas unit has slipped to number 4. Power Equipment is 3, Turbine Engines hasn't brought in a significant order in 16 months, and we just divested our entire financial services unit. Is that market leadership?

YOU: I guess, um, stuff happens, right? In... you know... business?

HR Fanatic stands up, and you can see in her eyes that something has snapped inside. She takes the flower vase off the side of her desk and flings it at the wall. iPad Guy stops the video. He nods at HR Fanatic.

iPad Guy looks you in the eye. "You have no idea what we do. You came on an interview without taking the time to research our company or the unit at which the position is open. You didn't even research the people to whom you would be speaking."

Your eyes dart from person to person. They all are staring at you like you are the lowest form of life on Earth, somewhere in between a single-celled amoeba and a speck of food caught in someone's teeth. There appears to be no way to salvage this interview.

Then things take a turn for the worse.

iPad Guy fires up his tablet again. It shows the firm's Facebook page. You notice that over one million people have liked the page. There's an image of you with the headline, "Worst Interview of the Year". It's not live yet, but his finger hovers over the Post button.

"Do it, Jimmy," urges HR Fanatic. "I just can't take one more superficial, unprepared, clueless candidate wasting my time. Somehow, some way, we have to keep the idiots at bay. You know I'm right, Jimmy."

Jimmy - I mean iPad Guy - looks you straight in the eye for a good, long moment. A sad smile crosses his face, one more of resignation than any sort of satisfaction. He looks back at HR Fanatic and nods.

"It makes me so sad to do this." The big guy next to Jimmy starts shaking his head in agreement and seems like he's about to tear up.

"We could have avoided all of this with a little initiative, a modicum of hard work, and just some basic research. Is that really too much to ask of someone who wants a good job?"

You stare blankly at him. You have no answer. Jimmy is right. Hell, HR Fanatic is right. You were winging it.

Jimmy presses Post.

Spooked? It might be time to read Getting Interviews But Not the Job? Try This.

Bruce Kasanoff ghostwrites articles for innovators, investors, and professionals like you.