Jennifer has found herself as her parents caregiver & thankfully - she found her safe space...

The first time I met Jennifer I knew she was working for a company she should have been running.

Our friendship has grown from knowing we were both bad asses to knowing we could go to each other for a break, a laugh & more importantly - advice.

I lost my mom when I was 18 and I often wonder if that is easier than having to take care of an elderly parent - which is where Jennifer is in her life. 

It’s a topic that’s getting more space with the baby boomer generation aging. But until you’re in it or know someone who is - you don’t realize the need for a safe space for those caregivers.

I hope this interview with Jennifer gives some of you a break, a laugh and more importantly - a sense that you’re not alone.

Lisa: Hi there my funny friend! This is an emotional topic but you still seem to cover it with your infectious humor. With that being said, let’s jump in.  

L: You’re 16 - you’re living in Abilene, TX with your Mom, Dad and sister - what did you think you would be doing when you grew up?

J: I'm still working on that! I've always been told to think back to when I was little, what did I want to do then? But, I never had a pretend career . Okay, I lie. I used to work the drive-thru window in my grandma's bathtub and serve the best dissolved soapshakes in the county. Outside of that, there wasn't anything. This sounds so bleak on paper.

L: haha - what kid didn't love a pretend drive thru career! I loved the headset - omg - you just made me remember I asked for the McDonalds drive thru toy when I was way too old to be pretending that was my future. 

L: Fast forward - you’re 38 & you’re taking care of both your parents. You kinda had a crash course in this - because you had no choice - what’s the one word that comes to mind when you think about the last year?

J: Shitshow

L: that’s one of my favorite words but it hurts my heart to know that’s been your reality for the last 12mo. 

L: Let’s start with the basics. How old are your parents?

J: My dad just turned 77, my mother will be 74 this year.

L: Where do they live & how far is it from you & Juan?

J: They are still in Abilene. It's approximately 180 miles away / 3 hour drive on a zero traffic day.

L: that’s not a small journey. 

L: Are there other family members that help you or them locally?

J: I have an uncle who lives down the street from them who helps them out. My dad has two brothers - this one would be the middle child. I don't know his age, but if your oldest sibling is 77, odds are you're kind of getting old yourself. My uncle is still very active on his farm and ranch , taking care of my aunt who has some health issues, and traveling to/from Colorado to see his grandchildren.

L: would you say your uncle helps you or them?

J: He's my parent's partner in crime. If something happens, they call him and then I find out about it months later, if at all. I do appreciate him helping them, but it helps perpetuate my parents' denial of their situation.  

L: When things started to change with your parents - was it one or both?

J: It started for my mother after my grandma died. This was in 2001. Mom was always engaged with me, and we used to be so tight. After grandma's passing, my mother started to withdraw. Her memory started to fog, she would forget the way home from work sometimes. Her doctor said it was heavy depression. She saw a neurologist a few times in Lubbock. I'm not sure why they stopped going.

L: You mentioned your Grandma, did she have any medical issues similar to your mom?

J: My grandma had dementia, but it was never formally diagnosed. The doctor she saw was one of those doctors you go to when you want a prescription written, not actual healthcare.

L: and how about your Dad?

J: My dad is fine mentally but physically he's not great. 

L: Was the change something that you noticed right away or was there a major event that made you start looking back & collecting the red flags?

J: My mother is the biggest red flag. She has been falling a lot. Probably way more times than I know about. My parents are very secretive with their health now. I know they're scared - especially my dad - of going into a care facility. My dad is 100% there mentally, even though physically he could use assistance.

My mother on the other hand, needs supervision, in my loving opinion. She doesn't clean herself, she always smells. When she falls, no one calls the doctor or takes her to the ER - even when she hits her head. 

L: If something were to happen to your Mom or Dad - would the other call you?

J: We went down there this summer to find her practically bedridden. She had been throwing up for days and could not get out of bed. Before our trip there, I had spoken with her on the phone the day before. She never mentioned any of this to me. Her tone was normal, and aside from saying some crazy things, nothing was "off" (crazy things are expected at least once per conversation). 

Her call before our trip was to tell me they had made the decision to find a care facility. *Narrator* They had no intentions of going to a care facility

L: ah, so your Mom called you to tell you something that would bring you there but didn’t disclose her current situation. 

J: Exactly. I got played. She told me they had made the decision to find a care facility so I immediately got our stuff packed to head that way to show our support of the decision. However, there was never any intention of going to a facility. I have never felt so blatantly manipulated in my life.  

J: We asked her if she would go to the ER if we took her. She and my dad both agreed. My husband, it brings me to tears thinking about his kindness and patience with my parents, held her up and got her out of their bedroom and to the car. At the ER, we were told she had a very bad UTI which was causing hallucinations (guess that crazy wasn't normal), and was a result of her hygiene (sorry folks).  

L: What’s been the most eye opening in regards to the medical professionals you’ve encountered?

J: I know my experience is coming from the eyes of a non-medical professional, so I would like to start with that disclaimer. The most eye opening for me in this experience is how often my attempts to keep my parents safe blow up in my face.

When we took her to the ER, we were getting passive aggressive attitudes from the nurses. The first one asked us why we waited so long to bring her in. We looked blank - what was he talking about? We live out of town and no one told us about any of this till we walked through the door. 

Finally, my husband caught the second nurse and told her his concerns about mom going back home and showed her pictures of their house. After showing those photos, we were discharged within the next hour. They got her out of there so fast, they didn't even call in the prescription for her antibiotic. I didn't know anyone actually wrote prescriptions anymore. I had to physically take it to a pharmacy.  

L: Two things stick out to me after hearing that - 

#1 - it’s as if they wanted her out of the ER as fast as possible. I don’t get that - what am I missing? That’s what I gathered too. I have no idea why. We’re missing the same thing. Maybe there would have been more work required just to get involved and no one goes above and beyond anymore unless you’re at Starbucks. 

#2 - I am also with you on the written prescription - it’s been years since I’ve been handed one. 

J: This isn't the first time I have tried to intervene. In 2014 my dad did inpatient therapy after his open heart surgery (he had been in a coma for a month). Before he was discharged, his PT was supposed to do a home visit to make sure it is safe for him. My mother called me while I was at lunch panicking because she was scared they wouldn't let dad come home. I saw this as my opportunity to get something done about their living conditions. I called his PT and explained the situation and explicitly told him that it was not safe and he should do the walk through. He sold me out. He told my parents what I did and never did the home visit. Did my father fall afterward? Yep. But what do I know?

L: that story makes my head hurt. Do you think he didn't want to deal with the drama? The paperwork?  

J: This one was so weird because it was supposed to be required for him to visit. Maybe by giving him the 411 he decided that he’d been given a tour already and could call it quits...and burn me down in the process. 

L: I have an important question as your friend - how do you keep yourself sane?

J: My mental health took a severe beating last summer. Weeks before everything started with my parents, my husband was diagnosed with diabetic retinopathy in both eyes - one PDR and one non-PDR (in case anyone knows what that means). He had become blind in his right eye and his left eye wasn't great. We began an intense regimen of treatment to keep his vision - injections in the eyes, laser treatments, and eventually a surgery. He couldn't work (buy disability insurance everyone) or drive. In less than a month, I went from barely taking care of myself to taking care of three adults.

L: oh no.... that’s too much - for you & for Juan. He’s too young to deal with losing his eyesight. How is Juan doing now?

J: After all his treatments his vision is 20/40 with corrective lenses. One of his eyes without the corrective lenses is 20/200. He’s so much better now that he has his glasses & can see. He is back at work - after being off for 6 months & able to drive. Having his indepence back has made a huge difference. 

J: Back to staying sane - 

I knew I wasn't feeling "right", so I set up an appointment with my doctor. We discussed everything that had been going on. She prescribed me an antidepressant as a starting point to find relief along with recommendations for vitamins and therapy that could also have positive effects. And it was great - for a month or two. Then I slowly sank back into the "not right" feeling. She reviewed my case, and decided an increase was needed. I trust my doctor which is important because you have to feel comfortable discussing these things with your physician. It's not the easiest conversation to have, however, no one can help you if they don't know you need help.

L: You’re my hero. I love your honesty and your courage to make sure you’re ok. 

J: I've been seeing my therapist weekly since November (I drug my butt making the appointment - but that's depression yo). I wish I had done it sooner. We started with the present situation, which I thought was the only reason I needed to go. She helped me realize the fact that my parents are adults and I cannot force them to make decisions I want them to make (even when I'm right). They will have to arrive at the decision on their permanent care on their own, as long as their mental capacity allows. That was a hard lesson to absorb. But she is right. If I have no legal claim to them (they will not give me that), there is nothing I can do (I've tried, they have more money and way more time than me). I have to let go a little bit. 

Then we went all the way back to the beginning - like bathtub drive-thru beginning. Overall, my entire life has improved beyond my expectations. I didn't realize how much I was neglecting myself and hurting inside from the false cognition's I held onto dearly for decades. Therapy is work, for sure. Sometimes there is ugly crying, but that's when some of my biggest healing happens. 

I'm not sure if it's like this in other cities, or maybe it's just my local circle, but we all see someone. I've had at least three conversations this week with different people where therapy or a therapist was brought up. Knowing I'm not the only one who goes makes it easier to talk about it and be more vulnerable in my discussions. I want others to know how valuable and important I have found it to be and how it positively changed my outlook and life. There are so many great and exciting things to discover about ourselves as we heal old wounds.

L: I know this conversation wasn’t an easy one for you, but I asked you to share in hopes you might help others in your situation and you agreed & for that - I love you and admire you more than I did before. Thank you my friend.

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