Jennifer Garner lets her kids experience ‘benign neglect.’ Here’s why you should, too

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Actress Jennifer Garner recently opened up in an interview about her hands-off parenting style that some experts believe gives kids “room to grow.”

THE BIG PICTURE

• When asked about her parenting method on NBC’s “Today,” the “Alias” star said, “I want to be around. But I also think it’s OK if they suffer from a little bit of benign neglect,” adding, “I’m not trying to live their life, and I don’t mind that they see that I love mine.”
• While some may think Garner’s strategy allows children to act like they’re 13 going on 30, parenting coach Oona Hanson believes benign neglect is “likely a playful phrase that offers an alternative to helicopter parenting.”
• Hanson adds: “This interview has caught attention because I think a lot of parents are hungry for permission or role models on how to take a step back from that kind of intensive parenting.”
• Those striving for this alternative are letting their little daredevils make mistakes and figure things out on their own and “aren’t feeling so anxious about whether or not their child can handle it,” Hanson says.

IT’S OK NOT TO BE OK

• Ensnaring your kids in a parent trap and being involved with everything they do can instill in them a sense of learned helplessness, where they start to feel like ‘I can’t do anything on my own,’” according to Hanson.
• When parents or caregivers show confidence that their children don’t need them right away, it can help communicate that it’s OK to feel stressed or anxious or even fail at times, according to Dr. Janine Domingues, a senior psychologist at the Child Mind Institute in New York.
• It’s also important for your kids “to see you prioritize you so that when they grow up they know that it’s really beneficial for them to prioritize themselves and have an identity” outside of being a parent, she adds.

HOW TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY

• Unfortunately, there are no exact rules as to when to be involved with your child and when to step back. All children have their own needs and development, Hanson says.
• But there are ways to start incorporating some “benign neglect,” such as setting up an environment that’s productive — both physically and mentally. Stock up on arts and crafts supplies and board games so kids can find things to do other than starting at the TV.
• If children come to you with a problem, Domingues recommends acknowledging the difficulty and seeing what they have tried or might do to solve it, before jumping in yourself.
• Parenting writer Catherine Newman says she tried to be “all in or all out” with her children. “My goal was either to be absolutely present with them playing a game or talking to them or reading with them … or to be completely absent so that they could get involved in something else,” she says.

What do you think about Garner’s “benign neglect” philosophy? How do you balance parenting with your work and personal lives? Share your stories in the comments.

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