Jealousy From Someone Who Looks Like You is Worse When You Report to Them

I once had a boss who I intimidated the hell out of. I knew it, and so did she. Her insecurities led to an unpleasant relationship between us. She rode me hard, often, and usually in front of others, just to prove who was in charge. What was so discouraging about this was she was also Black. Yet no matter what I did, I couldn’t make the relationship click with her.

This kind of “Black-on-Black crime,” as I call it, is rarely discussed in mixed company because we think it’s the equivalent of airing our dirty laundry in public. But it happens. So we might as well prepare you in the event it ever happens to you.

First of all, why would we treat each other poorly? Black women already face a double minority status in the workplace, hold fewer manager roles than our counterparts , and a Gallup study even found that Black women are less likely to feel they are treated with respect at work . As Black women, we should be supportive of each other, not competitive.

The top reason people quit was due to toxic workplace culture, much of which stemmed from management.

In general, bad bosses of all races are all too common these days. A Business Insider article reported that in 2021, more than 24 million American employees quit their jobs—an all-time record . When MIT researchers investigated why, they found?that the top reason people quit was due to toxic workplace culture, much of which stemmed from management.

Should you ever find yourself dealing with an insecure boss who is taking it out on you, here are my six tips for how you can confidently handle yourself before you think about quitting.

#1: Make sure it is, or isn't, just you.

Ask someone you trust who has witnessed a moment between you and your boss to verify the experience. A simple “Was it just me, or was I asked more questions than anyone else on the call?” is enough. When I verified my experiences with witnesses and that I was indeed being targeted, I followed up by documenting their responses along with the time and date. See Tip #2 for why.

#2: Document everything.

You may not want to go to HR to solve your problems with your boss initially. Slights may be deemed not serious by HR. But in the case that these slights escalate, you’ll want to have things documented so bringing the issue up does not become a game of he said/she said. I documented EVERYTHING so I always had backup should that boss try to make a pre-emptive strike against me. It's also helpful to note that when it's "Black-on-Black crime" it's generally not actionable legally. There's no discrimination. It's just a really bad situation, and I'm sorry for your pain. But it is a toxic work environment and your HR partner has a right to know about it. So, document away and take mental health time off using said documentation to secure doctor's orders.

#3: Stay professional.

It would be easy for anyone dealing with a difficult boss to have an attitude around them, but having an attitude only reflects poorly on you. In my situation, I quickly realized that my boss being intimidated by me was her problem, not mine. Everyone else could see it too.

I intentionally watched my tone when I was around my manager to keep my reputation intact. I also refused to give her any material she could use against me. My family heard about her ad nauseum. But folks at work? Nope. Partly because I didn’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing she was getting under my skin. But mostly because I didn’t know who I could trust to complain to. The O’Jays’ oldie but goodie bestselling hit “Backstabbers” may have been meant to describe love trysts, but the lyrics “They smile in your face, all the time they want to take your place…” could apply to the workplace as well. I wasn’t willing to risk that anything I said or complained about could be used against me to help position someone else. So I maintained professionalism at all times. I recommend you do the same, in spite of how tempting it may be to "go there."

#4: Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

Wanting to learn more about managing conflict in the workplace, I purchased the book The Art of War by Sun Tzu. One quote that sticks with me to this day about the Skillful Warrior is “He does not rely on the enemy not coming but on his own preparedness.” To me, that meant always over-delivering and ensuring my work was flawless so my boss had nothing to use against me. Keep your work pristine to take away the opportunity for anyone to attack you.

That HUGE mind shift allowed me to feel like I was gaining from the experience instead of feeling drained by it.

#5: Change your mindset, change your life.

One way I was able to continue working with my boss despite our relationship was by changing my mindset. Instead of focusing on the fact that I had an awful boss, I chose to focus on what the experience could teach me. I began calling her my “Angel” (only in my head and with my family, of course).

This allowed me to think of her as someone God had intentionally placed in my life to help me grow. That HUGE mind shift allowed me to feel like I was gaining from the experience instead of feeling drained by it. Look for the lesson in every experience. Even an awful boss may teach you something (like how NOT to be an awful, insecure, micromanaging monster to your direct reports).

I still think of my former manager as my Angel to this day. (But I picture her with horns!) And I’m grateful for the opportunity to coach others through what to do when bad managers happen to good people.

#6: Know when it’s time to leave.

You know yourself better than anyone else. You know what you look and feel like when you’re performing optimally at work, and we should all be striving for that. If you’ve given the situation your all, and it’s affecting your performance and your mental health, don’t second guess yourself. Start looking for work elsewhere, and leave on your terms. My boss was eventually let go … thank you, Jesus! But if the situation had come to a point where it no longer served me, I was prepared to leave, and you should be too.

Level Up with Grace is an award-winning newsletter created and designed for African-American women in corporate America (and others) who want to unapologetically create and maintain a stellar career. Executive coach Cheryl Grace shares a curated collection of insights, strategies, and tactics on change management, conflict resolution, and professional development to help women excel and advance to their next level, regardless of where they are in their career journey. Please subscribe and share!

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Shutterstock Stock Images often illustrated by the fabulously talented Natalia Hubbert .