On Jealousy and Envy

by Dr. Diana Maatouk

As children we’re told to not be jealous or envious of what others have that we don’t; this message is usually followed by the advice that we should be grateful for the things we have.

While the latter is true, the former is not. Jealousy and envy might sound like synonyms but there is a substantial difference between these two? emotions that has a dramatic impact on how we thrive in society.?

Jealousy happens when we see or hear or think about something that we want, often after a particular experience with the actual object or the idea or concept.?

Jealousy as a Motivator

If we see a friend driving a new car, we are jealous that we can’t afford the same. If we attend a housewarming party while we are languishing in a small apartment with roommates, we’re jealous of the wealth that got the person into a larger living space as well as all of the social values that homeownership implies. If we attend a wedding while we are single, we may be jealous of the fact that someone else has found true love first while we are still seeking it.?

Being jealous can be negative if we only dwell on what we don’t have, but it can also be a tremendous motivator to push us to achieve at a higher level.

An employee, jealous of the freedom of movement and wealth that their founder enjoys, might decide to become an entrepreneur and start their own company. A person noticing all the attention their friend is getting after an impressive weight loss program might decide to join a gym the next day and start taking their own health more seriously.?

Used as a motivational tool, jealousy can push us to achieve things that previously felt like they were impossible.

From Jealousy to Envy

Envy can be thought of as jealousy’s evil twin. Envy is defined by Melanie Klein (psychologist) as "the angry feeling that another person possesses and enjoys something desirable - the envious impulse being to take it away or to spoil it.”

The difference is obvious to spot. We might be jealous of what the person we envy has, but we also don’t like that they have it and we want to take actions to destroy what they have: envy, unlike jealousy is destructive. In fact, when we are feeling envious, we often consider behaviors that we know are clearly immoral in order to take away the object, status, or relationship that we are jealous of.

Envy has the power to twist jealousy into an extremely negative situation. Our jealous employee from above might try to sabotage the CEO’s company by making up false rumors about the worthiness of a product. When we see our friend driving a new car, we might consider defacing it somehow when they aren’t around. Our pal with the new house might wonder why someone stole from them at the housewarming party - our envy told us it would make them feel unsafe. At the wedding of our happy friend, we could drink to excess and try to ruin things by acting foolish and taking the focus away from the happy couple, or even reveal a secret or two we know about the couple during our wedding toast.?

Protecting Yourself from the Envious

Envy is often rooted in low self-esteem. When someone feels bad about themselves, an easy outlet, although certainly unhealthy, is to tear other people down. Oftentimes, we don’t know that someone is envious of us because they keep those thoughts and emotions largely to themselves. They might be angry and spiteful, but they are at least somewhat aware that letting those emotions out directly is not a good idea. But that filter only lasts so long and the negativity will start to seep out - consciously or unconsciously. You often experience in the way someone talks to you or about you; often with backhanded compliments or criticisms of the things that they are envious of. If you’re showing friends your photos from a recent vacation, the envious one might comment that “You’re sure spending a lot of money lately.” At your wedding reception, their toast might include things meant to embarass you about events from your past or that you look like you had some sort of surgery done before the big day. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that social media is a breeding ground for envious behavior. The ability to comment on other people’s posts and photos without actually saying anything to the person’s face is dangerously empowering for the envious, letting them get in their digs without much threat of confrontation.

How do you withstand people when they attack you with envy?

• The best step is to avoid that person altogether. That’s often easier said than done as we encounter envy from friend groups, family members, and coworkers who are not so easily removed from our daily interactions.
• If that’s not an option, first and foremost remember that being insulted or feeling small is what they want, but the negativity lies within them, not you. You don’t have to hide your good fortunes and successes because someone else doesn’t have the same thing.
• If the person attacking you with envy is a close friend or family member, take the time to talk to them about what you are perceiving. Since envy is often a subconscious emotion, they might not be aware how intense they are about it, or that you’re noticing. Be the bigger person and remind them of their own strengths and successes.

If those choices don’t work, you may need to break off communication with them or turn off their ability to comment on your social media posts. You don’t need someone else’s negativity dragging you down.

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