Jayme, Break My Life!

I am on a mission to destroy my life.?

I mean this sincerely and truly.?

I am on a mission to seek out and destroy relationships, beliefs, commitments, engagements, activities, and habits that I built and allowed that keep me chained to the life I built when I was trying to survive.?

I am actively provoking confrontations, conflict, and breakdowns.

I'm shaking tables and jumping on beds to test for sturdiness, stability, endurance.?

I am trusting my instincts and acting accordingly.

I am asking the “random” questions that arise?

I am saying the thing

I’m blocking

I’m unfriending

I’m quitting

I’m firing

I’m running away

I’m avoiding

I’m poking

I’m speaking up

I’m remaining quiet

I’m not fixing my face

I’m not laughing at things that aren’t funny.

In this next stage of my life, I require full access to and expression of myself. And the life I've built so far has not accommodated for my darker, dirtier, more sinister sides.?

I’ve perfected etiquette and politeness.?

I’ve mastered the art of flowery, beautiful, and?padded language.?

I read emotions and energies like an expert.

I can evade and redirect conflict like a master.

I can soothe egos like a geisha.

I’ve also had a hard time distinguishing my thoughts, feelings, and emotions from those around me.?

I experience anxiety, overwhelm, confusion, muscle constriction, and unmet personal needs.?

All because my senses have been given over to the caretaking of others out of a need for survival (initially) and a distorted sense that this is where I and others perceive my value.

I’m “not allowed” to be selfish, mean, lazy, change my mind, feel MY emotions, express my needs, or seek to meet my needs within a belief that my job, my value, is in how effectively I focus on and care for others.?

It's time to change that.

So I am actively seeking to destroy my life, to break it apart, to shake things up.

I’m examining, questioning, and challenging everything so that all that remains are the core attributes, the honest expressions, and the true manifestations of the foundational seeds of my being.

I only want the relationships that all of me wants and that want all of me.

Because I now understand that my dark, base, ugly parts are actually no such thing. They are as much a part of me as the eloquent beauty. They are as worthy as my exceptional intellect.?

My fiery passion is as essential to my grace, wisdom, and kindness as my cooler reasoning.?

I no longer have room for anything within or around me that makes any aspect of me wrong.??

It’s funny how clearing out the “good” compromises from my life has allowed for a true and clear authenticity that feels greater than good could ever.??