Jay Shetty ON 11 Lessons for Relationships, Healing & Overcoming Fear

Jay Shetty shares the answers to all your questions.

Jay Shetty loves getting questions from his podcast audience. They often span many different topics, but there are 11 questions in particular that are most common. So, on a recent episode of On Purpose with Jay Shetty, Jay took some time to share the most popular questions he gets. Read on to learn his answer to these 11 questions.

The 11 Questions Everyone is Asking

Knowing how to tackle some of life’s mysteries, like discovering your passion and purpose, finding true love, and learning how to make an impact can bring empowerment and a sense of relief. In a recent episode of On Purpose, Jay Shetty shared wisdom and encouragement on how to overcome the following 11 hurdles.  

Question #1: Why do I never feel good enough, no matter what I do? 

“We think we have to become something else to be satisfied, not realizing that being ourselves is the only thing that can satisfy us,” Jay Shetty said. Culture - music, movies, social media - affects how we view others and how we view ourselves. There is so much pressure to fit in, but that doesn’t bring true happiness. 

Finding what you’re good at, supporting the causes you’re passionate about, and uncovering the characteristics that draw you to self-love does much more for your self-confidence. Jay Shetty encourages a relentless pursuit of passion. Instead of giving up when you fail, push more.

“The people that you see winning in life are just knocking on more doors,” Shetty said. “They're just sending more messages. They're just sending more resumes. They're just calling more people. That is what makes you win.”  

Question #2: How do you deal with a family that hurts you and says mean things about you?

Jay Shetty’s first piece of advice is to stay calm and listen. The struggle with family is a common one. People often hurt others because they’re hurting themselves. Making an effort to empathize with what they’re going through can make a big difference. That doesn’t excuse their mistreatment, but it does allow you to move on.  

Choose to be the one to end the cycle. This also gives you the opportunity to not pass on that pain and hurt. As Jay Shetty said, “Sometimes pain is like a family heirloom that some choose to pass on. Make sure the cycle stops with you.”

Second, allow yourself to maintain healthy distance from those who mistreat you. Distancing yourself from people who treat you poorly allows space for healthy people in your life. Find a new support group, dive into your local Genius Meetup, and surround yourself with healthy people. We all need safety and support, especially when those who are supposed to care for us don’t. 

Third, don’t take it personally. It’s okay to emotionally separate yourself from another person’s drama. Protect your peace, your energy and creativity by remembering this is their issue, not yours. Don't even try and fight them. 

“Don't even try to disprove them,” Jay Shetty encouraged. “Don't waste your energy. Use your creative energy to move forward.”

Question #3: How do you get closure when ghosted?

Closure doesn’t always come the way we think it should. When things end poorly or are messy, as when someone ghosts you, or just disappears suddenly from your life, it affects you. Being ghosted leaves an empty space in your life and a feeling of unfinished business. 

“For anyone to ghost means they don't want to explain to you what it is,” Jay Shetty said. “It could be something completely insignificant, and we live for the rest of our lives - or at least the rest of the year - wondering, ‘What is it about me that they didn't like? Why is it that they're treating me like this?’”   

Shetty unpacked this painful, but important topic in-depth in his previous podcast titled “Six Things To Stop Expecting From Others And How To Leave Them Behind,” which aired December 6, 2019. 

Jay Shetty urges listeners to take responsibility for their own healing. Closure from the offending party hardly ever comes the way it is needed. Continuing to sit in that hurt and unfinished business only leads to more hurt. 

“Give yourself closure,” Jay Shetty said. “Ask yourself what would you have done differently? Ask yourself what answer you can gain from it rather than waiting for it from them.” 

Question #4: If a person keeps breaking up with you every time they are angry, should you forgive them and take them back? 

It’s not healthy to make extreme decisions based on specific or limited emotions. Jay Shetty urged his listeners to discuss issues in their relationships when both parties are calm and happy. Be proactive. Waiting until things are toxic to hash out challenges does not leave room for healthy discussion. 

When it’s time to talk, follow these three steps:

1. Ask each other what the triggers are that cause the anger to get so bad. Identify them and work to remove them from your life and relationship.   
2. Be real about how you fight. Talk about what it will look like next time an argument comes up. Approaching things like a team can make all the difference.
3. Determine if the issue is one-sided. If only one person is struggling with this, maybe there are some deeper personal issues at hand that need to be addressed.  

Question #5: What is the best way for me to move forward in my life and not be immobilized by the fear of loneliness and feeling unloved?

Jay Shetty told listeners to start with the facts. First, write down a list of people in your life who love you. Next, make a list of all the people who like you. Lastly, record the names of people from whom you can learn. 

“If you have these three types of people in your life, you will never be lonely,” Shetty said. He urges caution. Sometimes we’re our own worst enemy in this. Sometimes our vision is narrowed by our preference.  

“We may not be liked by the people we like or receive love from the people we love,” said Jay Shetty, “Therefore we think that we have no love or are lonely.”  

Question #6: How can I find a purpose, get out of my comfort zone, and get over fear to try new things?

Get active and take the leap, advised Jay Shetty. Sign up for a course or a seminar. Find a workshop about something you want to learn and sign up for it. The contagious energy of others who want to learn and grow in the same way will strengthen your desire and resolve to keep going. 

Be honest about what is causing any apprehension you have. If it’s fear of not knowing enough or looking foolish to others, be strategic about where you start. If you are worried about what others think, go somewhere to learn with strangers, as you’re less likely to feel less judged by people you don’t know. Be realistic with your journey - don’t jump into the deep end of the pool if you’re not ready. 

“If I wanted to learn how to race a speed car, I'm not going to go and race with Formula One drivers. I'm going to go to a beginner’s class,” said Jay Shetty. Being realistic about the knowledge and ability you have helps remove the pressure of unrealistic expectations.  

Question 7: How do I deal with the pain of losing a loved one?

A letter can be a powerful gateway to healing. Jay Shetty encouraged listeners to write a letter to the person that you are grieving as if you are talking to them. Say all the things you regret not saying. Be honest about your feelings and share what you loved most about being with them. Write the letter by hand and read it out loud. 

“I feel that most of our pain from the loss of a loved one is things we never said or expressed,” he said. Pouring those things out can be a powerful start to healing. 

Another way to heal is to think about the lessons you learned from that person. Their life was a gift to you. Cherishing the impact they had on you can make them seem close to you all the time, even though their body is absent.  

A woman recently shared with Jay that she was really struggling after losing a family member to a shooting.  

“The only way that she was able to move forward was to understand what gift she got from this person,” said Jay Shetty. “The gift was the lessons they shared - the gift of life, the gift of the advice, the wisdom, the insight that that person lived with.” 

Finally, celebrate the person’s greatness by showing support to causes and charities they believed in on their behalf.

Question #8: What is the number one thing to keep people growing and on the right track?

Jay Shetty credits meditation and exercise as the two things that have impacted his growth. Shetty discusses three types of meditation in his new book, Think Like a Monk. Practicing one or all three, will do wonders for your mental health, as will physical exercise. 

Shetty also encouraged listeners to write down their goals. Having a clear vision of what you are working towards is an important part of getting there. 

Question #9: What is your advice for people struggling with depression and stress?

Jay Shetty urges listeners who are really struggling to seek help from a doctor first.

Second, go outside. The drug of nature works wonders. Get outside, soak in the sun, stretch your legs, and clear your mind. Third, surround yourself with inspirational people who motivate you and help you focus on moving forward. 

Question #10: Who has impacted and inspired Jay Shetty the most? 

Jay attributes a lot of his self-development to people like Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs, and Martin Luther King Jr. 

“I never met them, but I've read their work,” Shetty admitted, “I read how they looked at decisions, I read about what they believed. There's one statement from Steve Jobs which changed my life. ‘The people who are crazy enough to believe they can change the world are the ones who do.’”

Martin Luther King Jr’s life of intentional service and love to his community has also left a lasting impact on how Jay Shetty sees the world and commits to serve it.  

Shetty was also greatly impacted by a mentor during his time in digital marketing. He constantly challenged Shetty’s mindset and thinking.

“He built the mindset in me to never settle or become complacent and to always grow,” Jay Shetty said. “When we just moved a step forward, he’d then be forcing me to move four more steps forward. We’d move another step forward, he’d challenge me to move another five steps forward. That's how my mindset has now become about constantly challenging myself to grow. That mindset, to me, is one of the most beautiful gifts that anyone could give.” 

Question #11: Why do people choose sides when getting a divorce?

Divorce doesn’t just affect the two people in the middle. It affects their friends, family, and children as well.  

“People choose sides because quite frankly, it’s easier,” Jay Shetty admitted. Nothing is ever easy about divorce. There is so much grey and rarely any black and white. Choosing a side seems like one of the easiest things a person can do in that situation. Others choose sides out of loyalty or debt to one side or the other.   

“Any sort of break or end is a great time to redefine your relationships and redefine yourself,” Jay Shetty said. “It gives you an opportunity to grow into the person you couldn't grow into before, and it allows you to surround yourself with people that you don't know from before. It gives you a second chance and a new chance.” 

It can be tempting to want things to remain as they were. Change can be scary, and losing people is painful. Jay urged listeners to be honest about the situation, even when it’s hard. 

“You don't want to force anyone to be in your life,” he said. “You don't want anyone to stay in your life just because they were in your life and now you feel sad that they chose the other side. You don't want to get lost in taking sides and think ‘I just want them to come to my side.’ You want to find people who can grow with you and push you forward.”

More From Jay Shetty

Listen to the entire On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast episode on “11 Lessons for Relationships, Healing, and Overcoming Fear” now in the iTunes store or on Spotify. For more inspirational stories and messages like this, check out Jay’s website at jayshetty.me.