- If you're alone you're separate; apart from other people in some way. If you are lonely, you are unhappy being alone.
- Solitude is being alone by choice. Loneliness is unwanted; it's not wanting to be alone. Solitude is something you might seek. Loneliness is something you probably want to avoid.
- If you feel lonely, you are lonely.?
- Feelings of loneliness are a part of the human condition; the feelings that are there to prompt you to connect with other people.
- There is more than one way of experiencing loneliness; you might be socially lonely and/or emotionally lonely and/or experiencing existential loneliness.?
- Loneliness happens as a result of your external circumstances - where you live, for example and your internal circumstances; your mindset; your thoughts and feelings about your situation.
- The circumstances that lead to loneliness may happen gradually or may be triggered by a particular event.
- Loneliness can influence how you might anticipate and interpret social situations; you may have lost confidence and self-esteem.
- When you are with other people, if they aren't as friendly as you would like, you might withdraw further.
- Your mind can easily get caught up in ruminative cycles of negative emotions.
- Any frustration and resentment you show can be off-putting to others; make them less likely to want to connect with you and they pull away.
- Your attributional style - how you explain/interpret the reasons you're lonely - influences what you do or don't do about it.
- If you believe that loneliness is due to situations and circumstances that you have little or no control over, you're not going to be motivated to do something about it.
- You can do something about it; your situation can change for the better! There are two things to do: (1) Explore the many different ways to connect with others to (2) Develop a positive mindset.
- By identifying the reasons - the external and the internal circumstances - that have contributed towards your loneliness and thinking about what you want in the way of connections and friendships, you're in a better position to focus your efforts and be more likely to find the right solutions; solutions that work for you.
- Feelings of loneliness can set off a downward spiral of negative thoughts and feelings which then leads to even more intense feelings of loneliness.
- If you get stuck in negative thoughts they can trigger further limiting, unhelpful thoughts and reactions which just serve to shut you down and close you off from others.
- The good news is that the downward spiral of negative thoughts and despair, leading to more intense feelings of loneliness, also works in reverse: changing the way you think can lead to a change in feelings and behaviours which then generates an upward spiral out of loneliness.
- The first step in managing negative thinking is simply to become more aware of it; to identify the way you think and explain things to yourself.
- An acceptance and commitment approach suggests that you don't challenge your negative thoughts. Instead, you simply notice and accept that you are thinking negatively about your situation. Then you step away from those thoughts and commit yourself to more helpful
- ways of thinking, responding, and behaving.
- There are people who are open to meeting others and making friends too. You've just got to find them. It takes effort on your part; you need to be willing to meet others, to be yourself and give something of yourself.
- Getting together with people who enjoy the same things as you makes it easier for you to talk to them and make friends because you've already got something in common: shared values, a shared interest, and/or a shared identity.
- People who go to 'Meetups' do so knowing?they'll be meeting people who are also open to meeting other people and making new friends. And, with any group, there are usually new members joining, so as well as the regulars, there's the potential to meet more people over
- the coming months.
- Do consider trying a new activity or sign up for a course to learn something new and meet new people.
- As well as the Meetup groups, courses, and classes in your area, find out about the national organizations with local groups whose specific aim is to bring people together so that they can connect and make friends.
- Volunteering for a cause or local community initiative that interests you is another way to connect with other people and experience positive relationships.
- If you're anxious about attending something for the first time, ask a friend, family member, or colleague to come with you. Just don't stay with them the whole time otherwise you'll never talk to anyone else!
- Focus on the positive; remind yourself what it is that you want: to connect with and get to know other people - people that you like and who like you. This can give you the motivation and courage you need to take the necessary first step.
- If any one event or group doesn't feel right, try another one.?
- Turning new connections into friendships takes time and effort.?
- As the saying goes, 'The road and the phone run both ways.' So don't just wait for others to invite you to do things, be willing to be the one to suggest doing something together.
- Having spent time talking and getting to know someone, you'll have learnt a bit about what their interests, likes, and dislikes are. You'll have an idea about what they'd like to do or might?like to try out.
- You could do something before or after work, the school run, a meeting, event, or activity you've both attended. Simply take the initiative and suggest something simple and enjoyable to do together.
- You don't have to invite just one person. If you know two or three people from a particular place - work, a club or Meetup group you go to - organize something you could all do together.
- Aim to make friends with a number of different people - individuals with different interests and backgrounds.
- If you can't get together physically with other people, think outside the box; find other ways to maintain connections.?
- Although you don't want to come across as pushy or needy, to get to know someone better and make friends you have to reach out - just be prepared to risk rejection.?
- But, by gathering a bit of courage and taking?those first few steps, new people and acquaintances can become friends. If someone does turn you down, it doesn't mean they're rejecting you as a person. They may have other things going on in their lives.
- Give yourself credit for trying and think what, if anything, you learned from the experience.
- Small talk is simply about connecting. You don't have to impress, you just have to be nice. Smile, ask questions, listen, take a genuine interest in the other person, and say something about yourself.
- Don't worry about having the 'right' thing to say. It doesn't matter if you make the usual comments or ask the usual questions, but you do need to be interested in and follow up on their response.?
- Keep the conversation going; draw on your own experience or knowledge of what the other person is talking about. Say something about yourself; share your ideas, experiences, opinions.
- When the other person asks you a question, respond with more than the minimum; give the other person something to pick up on.?
- Don't monopolize conversations. Be sensitive to the other person's reactions to what you're saying. Their facial expressions and body language will tell you how they're feeling about what you're saying.
- If the conversation feels like climbing a hill of sand then it may be time to move on or let silence take over.
- The only way you'll feel more comfortable and confident talking to people is to do it frequently. Yes, it will feel strange and scary at first. And sometimes people will blank you. That's OK. They've got stuff going on and you don't know what it is. It's not you.
- It's natural to want others to understand us - our feelings and experiences - but fitting in and feeling that you belong doesn't only come from being accepted by others. It starts with accepting and being yourself.
- It's easy to be too concerned with what others think of you, with the result that you try to be someone you're not. Rather than act like you're someone else, you need to do quite the opposite. You need to act yourself.
- Being true to yourself is all about identifying and living your life according to your values. Your values are what's important to you and has some worth to you in the way that you live, work, and relate to other people.
- When you are with people whose values are different from yours it can be a struggle to fit in and feel comfortable with other people because what matters to you isn't so important to them. And vice versa.
- There's nothing wrong with you or them; you just have different values, beliefs, and expectations from each other. When you're with people who either have similar values to you, or respect that your values are different to theirs, you're able to be your true
- self; you can be real, genuine, and authentic. You fit in.
- The more you are able to accept yourself - to be who you are and do the things you like, things you want to do, that interest you and matter to you - the more likely others like you, who feel the same way and have the same interests and values, will be drawn to you.
- There will still be some people in your life - even those you hold dear - who aren't always going to "get' you. And that's OK.
- To develop close friendships you need to be prepared to open up yourself and be open to others. You don't have to reveal your deepest hopes, thoughts, and fears but you do need to share something that's a bit more personal than you might normally share.
- Be honest and sincere; talk about what you think and how you feel about things.?
- If the other person readily offers their thoughts, ideas, and understanding you can feel encouraged that you've started to make a closer connection.
- Be careful not to use confiding in others and over-disclosing too early as a strategy to endear yourself to someone. It could come off as needy.?
- Tell the other person your goals and what's going well, too. Tell them something you've learnt about yourself, about others, or your interactions with other people.
- Do they seem interested? Do they ask you questions about you, as if they'd like to get to know you better? Do they tell you things about themselves?
- Ask people about themselves. Find out what they've achieved and what challenges they've overcome. Ask what they feel and think about things.
- If the other person doesn't seem interested in what you have to say or they're not forthcoming with talking about themselves, that's OK. Everyone has their limits; maybe, for whatever reason, they won't or can't provide the interest and closeness that you're seeking.
- Be careful not to misunderstand or misinterpret the attention of others; you may make yourself vulnerable to those whose motives are not genuine and sincere; people who aren't good for you.
- Catfishing scammers take advantage of people looking for romantic partners on dating websites, apps, or social media. They look to build relationships for the sole purpose of getting another person's money and/or their personally identifiable information.
- It's not just romance scammers that aren't good for you. A negative relationship with a friend, colleague, or family member can also be harmful and leave you feeling isolated and lonely.?
- Be aware of the effect a "drain's' negativity is having on you and, as much as possible, reduce the amount of time you spend around them and increase the amount of time you spend with radiators, the positive people you know.?
- When looking to make new friends, you're looking for positive people! People who you can be yourself with, who make you feel good about yourself; who listen to you and encourage you.
- Existential loneliness happens when you are feeling entirely disconnected from other people as a result of a traumatic experience. It could be a situation that you're currently going through?or something that happened in the past.?
- Trauma can leave you feeling, amongst other things, lonely, anxious, and vulnerable, that no one understands. As a result, you might withdraw from others; you might find it difficult to relate to or trust others.
- Loneliness can also be exacerbated when whatever led to the trauma took place because you were already lonely or socially isolated. Others might think you've been foolish and gullible - easily deceived and cheated - and the ongoing shame, embarrassment and self-blame has left you feeling even more isolated and alone.?
- Writing about your experience can help you to organize your thoughts and feelings. It can help your mind to break free from the endless going over and over and reliving the event. It can also lead to talking and reaching out to others for support.
- Writing about a traumatic event - one that you're currently going through or that happened some time ago could trigger some difficult thoughts and feelings which might overwhelm you. Do be aware of where you can get professional help and support.
- Professional help and/or a support group can provide a safe place to share, be listened to, get advice, support, and information. You can connect with others via phone, video, email, or in person.
- Whatever trauma you've experienced there will be support there for you. You've just gotta make the first move and be persistent in finding the support that's right for you.?
- You get in your own way if you think that asking for help is a sign of weakness. Asking for help doesn't mean you're inadequate, it simply means you need help, support, and advice with a specific issue for a time.
- Research has found that trauma can be a powerful force for positive change. For many trauma survivors the experience led to positive change: 'post-traumatic growth'.?
- Reflect on the positive. If you've experienced a traumatic event it may help to think about the positive things you've learnt about yourself, other people, and your place in the world.
- Relationships are important but they're not the only way to feel connected. You need a balance; it's important to feel at ease without others; to be comfortable and enjoy some time alone.
- Solitude gives you time and space to think - to reflect and plan - to process experience, to learn and assimilate learning. Time alone can be spent on interests, hobbies, and creative pursuits.
- Instead of getting stuck in feelings of loneliness, look for ways to make time on your own easier. How? By doing things that you enjoy and make you feel good.
- Identify the things you enjoy doing; hobbies, sports, interests. You'll find yourself actually searching out time to be by yourself in order to do what you enjoy. You'll know that periods of time spent alone can be rewarding; they can help you to feel engaged and connected.
- Explore new activities and hobbies. New experiences give you something to talk about which will interest and connect you to other people.
- Doing something that benefits someone else will not only give you something to do, it will also give you a real sense of purpose and connection.?
- As well as activities that engage you for a few?hours, there's a world of small pleasures which can bring you moments of connection and happiness every day. Whatever your small pleasures, indulge in them more often!
- Go out alone; choose to do something that's a small step out of your comfort zone and then just go for it.
- Try and organize your days so that you spend some time in nature. Most people have somewhere near them, even if it's only a small park or garden.
- Spend time with animals. Time spent with a pet - a cat, dog, or other pet animal - can be calming and comforting, providing an unconditional exchange of care and love.
- Find spirituality: a sense of being connected and part of something bigger, more eternal than both yourself and the physical world. Spirituality helps you to feel grounded in the present and yet connected to the past and the future.
- However you've spent your time, at the end of each day write down three good things that have happened that day.
- There are ways to reduce isolation if you are working from home. You have to be prepared to make the effort to keep connected. You also need to think outside the box; think creatively of ways to connect with and keep connected to other people during your working day.
- You don't have to be working on your own at home for work to be lonely. Working with others can leave you feeling isolated and lonely too.
- Poor relationships at work can be really harmful when they are characterized by bullying and harassment. You must do something. Staying silent and telling no one will only isolate you while at the same time empowering the bully, so you must get some help and support. Don't suffer in silence; there is help out there.?
- As a carer looking after a sick or disabled family member or friend you may have found that?a lack of personal time, low income, and high levels of stress have left you, like so many other carers, feeling isolated and lonely.
- Do make contact with others who already have a good understanding of how you are feeling. There's a wide range of support groups with forums and helplines that can help you. Do get in touch with them.
- Enable people to feel they belong, right from the start; be welcoming, approachable, and inclusive.
- If you know someone who is feeling lonely, do recognize feelings and emotions as valid and know that, to a greater or lesser extent, they're having a hard time.
- Your concern, kindness, and support can make a big difference. Don't just assume that they know you want to support them; they might need you to say it.
- Being supportive involves getting the right balance; understanding and accepting how the other person is feeling but without getting too caught up in their situation and feeling solely responsible for easing their loneliness.
- Think of interesting, relaxing, and/or fun things you can do together. Offer to accompany the other person to appointments they may have.
- Talk with the other person about what they want and need in terms of social contact with others and what sort of social activities they might like to join in with.
- Help them to research what activities - Meetup groups, classes and courses, and/or voluntary opportunities - are available. Also, help find out what services, support, and information are available.
- Encourage the other person to commit to specific actions - one step at a time - so that they can help themselves and move forward. Once they've identified something to aim for, do be positive and encouraging.
- Don't push them into situations that may be too much to handle. Let the person decide how much or how little they feel comfortable with, but always encourage them to move forward.?
- If they're resistant, find out what their concerns are. Acknowledge - don't dismiss - the challenges but remind them of their reason to connect with other people; what they'll gain, how they'll improve their situation.
- Going to things alone - especially for the first time - is not easy. You, another friend, or family?member could go to something with them for the first time.
- Reassure them that it can take time and effort to feel less lonely and that they shouldn't be disheartened if things aren't moving at the pace they'd like them to.
- If the person you're concerned about has a particular difficulty or has experienced a trauma, it can be difficult to know what, if anything, you can do to help. Often, it just means being physically there.
- You might worry about saying the wrong thing and so say nothing. Just ask How are you today?' or 'How have you been this last week?'
- They might not want to say much. But if they do open up, you do need to feel comfortable enough to listen to whatever the person wants to say.
- If you have suggestions or advice, do ask first if they'd like to hear it. Find out about relevant helplines, forums, and support groups or professional help that are available for the person you're concerned about.
- If you are an employer, manager, or supervisor, aim to be inclusive and to develop a culture of connection and community at work; a mutually supportive environment where people enjoy good working relationships.
- Find out if any of your employees or team are feeling lonely - cut off and isolated - by asking them. Ask what they think would help them feel more connected. Then do what you can to help them feel included, more involved, and that they belong.
- You can't force people at work to become friends. But you can encourage them to form bonds, by organizing inclusive social activities that bring people together.
- Be aware of behaviour that alienates people from each other - bullying or harassment - and make it your mission to get the information and support you might need to deal with these effectively.
- If you would like to become involved with the wider community in helping others to feel less?lonely, there's a range of initiatives and organizations you can sign up to. All will offer training and support. Just get in touch with an organization and ask about voluntary opportunities.