Jaina Psychology of Relationships: How the 18 Paap Sthanaks and Insecure Ego Create Toxic Love

The Insecure Ego and the 18 Paap Sthanaks

A relationship built on an insecure ego is fragile, riddled with emotional turbulence, and tainted by fear, attachment, and control. When insecurity takes root, love becomes conditional, manipulative, or possessive rather than a liberating force of divine connection. The 18 Paap Sthanaks (sins or transgressions) illuminate how insecurity poisons romantic relationships, and more importantly, how transcending ego through self-realization and seeing the other as a divine soul leads to a relationship of harmony, trust, and unconditional love.

How an Insecure Ego Creates a Toxic Relationship Through the 18 Paap Sthanaks

1.Pranatipat (Harming)

The insecure ego seeks dominance and control, harming the partner emotionally through guilt, criticism, and manipulation.

Realization: When we recognize ourselves as divine beings, we honor life in all forms, including our partner’s emotional and spiritual well-being. Love then nurtures rather than wounds.

2. Mrisha-vad (Lying)

Lies emerge when one fears rejection or loss of power. An insecure partner may hide true emotions, past experiences, or future intentions.

Realization: Truthfulness comes when we recognize that our worth is not dependent on external validation. When we see our partner as a divine soul, we value honesty over illusion.

3. Adattadana (Stealing)

Insecurity leads to emotional theft—demanding time, energy, and attention in excess, leaving the partner drained.

Realization: Love is abundant and does not need to be hoarded. A secure self recognizes that true love is given, not taken.

4. Maithuna (Unchastity or Sensuous Indulgence)

Seeking physical intimacy for validation rather than connection distorts love into mere gratification.

Realization: The divine essence in oneself and one's partner calls for deep emotional and spiritual intimacy rather than fleeting physical indulgence.

5. Parigraha (Possessiveness)

The insecure ego fears abandonment, leading to jealousy, over-attachment, and suffocating control.

Realization: When we see our partner as a divine soul, we let go of attachment and embrace freedom in love. True love allows space for growth.

6. Krodha (Anger)

Anger arises from fear of losing control, leading to outbursts that damage trust.

Realization: Anger dissolves when one realizes that the soul is eternal, love is infinite, and control is an illusion. Peace becomes the foundation of the relationship.

7. Mana (Ego/Pride)

Ego refuses to apologize, admit mistakes, or acknowledge the partner’s feelings.

Realization: Humility blossoms when we see ourselves as seekers of truth rather than defenders of the ego. Love thrives in surrender, not superiority.

8. Maya (Deception)

Manipulation, gaslighting, or playing mind games emerge from a deep fear of vulnerability.

Realization: Love based on deceit is fleeting. When we embrace our true self and honor our partner’s truth, relationships deepen in authenticity.

9. Lobha (Greed)

The insecure partner demands constant attention, reassurance, and validation.

Realization: Love is infinite, not a resource to be consumed. When one recognizes the divine within, there is no hunger—only fulfillment.

10. Raaga (Attachment/Craving)

Clinging to a partner for emotional security leads to dependency and imbalance.

Realization: True love is not attachment but resonance. It flourishes in stillness, where both souls walk their unique paths together.

11. Dwesh (Resentment/Aversion)

Holding grudges and resentment poisons love, creating distance and coldness.

Realization: Forgiveness arises naturally when we recognize that the soul’s journey is vast, and every experience is a lesson in love.

12. Kalah (Quarreling/Disputes)

Ego thrives on being right, turning discussions into battles.

Realization: When we choose understanding over victory, love wins. Seeing the divine in our partner dissolves the need for conflict.

13. Abhyakhyana (False Allegations)

Insecurity breeds paranoia, leading to false accusations and distrust.

Realization: A soul that sees divinity in the other knows that fear is an illusion. Love flourishes in faith.

14. Paisunya (Backbiting/Slander)

Speaking ill of one’s partner to others is a way of seeking external validation.

Realization: Words shape reality. Speaking with kindness uplifts both the speaker and the spoken about.

15. Rati-arati (Disaffection & Affection at Will)

Love is given conditionally, used as a weapon of reward or punishment.

Realization: Divine love is unwavering. Seeing the soul beyond the ego ensures love remains constant.

16. Par-parivada (Gossiping & Resentment toward Virtuous Acts)

Insecurity resents the partner’s success or happiness, seeking ways to bring them down.

Realization: True love celebrates the other’s growth as a divine unfolding, not as a threat.

17. Maya-mrisa-vada (Malicious Lying)

Malicious deception distorts reality, creating a relationship of illusion.

Realization: A relationship grounded in divine truth allows for deeper trust and spiritual unity.

18. Mithyatva-salya (Wrong Identification or Belief System)

The fundamental delusion is identifying oneself as a body, mistaking the temporary body and egoic "I" for the true self. This leads to love being rooted in personal attachment—a conditional and possessive emotion shaped by desires, expectations, and fears.

Realization: When one awakens to their true nature as the light of consciousness, love is no longer about "I" and "mine." It becomes selfless, unconditional, and free, flowing without expectation or possession. True love is not confined to material attachment—it is the radiant expression of pure being, beyond the illusions of the ego.

Transcending Insecurity: The Path to Divine Love

A secure sense of self is the foundation of a healthy relationship. Insecurity fades when one realizes:

I am not my fears, my past, or my attachments. I am a divine soul, complete and whole.

My partner is not mine to control, possess, or define. They are a divine being on their own journey.

Love is not a transaction or a dependency. It is the resonance of two souls evolving together in truth and freedom.

When we recognize the divine within ourselves, we no longer seek validation outside. When we see our partner as a divine soul, love becomes an offering, not a demand. And when we surrender the ego, love flows effortlessly, free from the 18 Paap Sthanaks.

A relationship based on divine realization is not about need but about presence. It is not about possession but about harmony. It is not about fear but about freedom. This is the path from an insecure ego to a sacred, divine love.

Author : Suraj Shah

Initial Idea by : Hema Pokhrana