IYKYK, but in most cases you don’t…so choose empathy.

Trigger warning: talk of addiction.

Recently on my feed on here a connection of mine shared something along the lines of “Tyranny is out, empathy is in”, which was something I really loved seeing on a professional platform, like LinkedIn.?

In fact, I had just updated my resume for a talk/nomination with a lacrosse group, and under skills, had decided to put “empathy” down.?

I thought to myself, “why not?”?

I truly do think it is a skill and a great quality to have professionally. For some, it may seem like they were born with it, but for others, like myself, it’s a learned skill, that you might have to?work?to refine. It’s not always easy being empathetic– putting yourself in someone else’s shoes first.?

In cases where empathy is needed, such as in cases where you may already be angry, frustrated, or hurt, it can be?very?hard to choose to recognize and try to understand a different perspective.?

We’re only human. And with that said, empathy as a skill is generally learned from hard won times, and gained through some sort of maturation.?

For me, I gained this skill seeing my parents struggle with addiction––a topic I’ve seen met with a lot of distance and sometimes distaste when it comes to LinkedIn.?

But in an effort to have my connections here get to know the real me, to know who I am as a person first (and as a professional second), I decided that I wouldn’t stray away from those topics on LinkedIn any longer (and I definitely owe some of that courage from a connection I met recently in June!). This is something that most don’t know about me at all– but this is a part of my story that shaped me tremendously, and I credit the person, and therefore the professional, I am today to a lot of the things I learned/endured during this time in my life.?

So yes, empathy for me was a skill I gained from watching my parents struggle, fail, and fail again, with addiction. From the time I was a small child, to a young adult, I watched them succumb to the lowest of the low times, to some of the proudest moments, such as my mom being 13+ years clean and sober.?

I went through the hurt, the anger, the sorrow, all the way through to understanding and acceptance, allowing me to transition to a place where I could be empathetic.?

Through this journey I learned about addiction being a disease, a true sickness that is deadly for many out there, and recognize that I was one of the lucky ones, when it came to my parents. In my hometown, sadly, this is still a reality for many people, and my family is currently suffering loss and sadness from multiple members who are in the grips of this disease.?

And even with the empathy I gained from going through this with my parents, understanding that this disease changes a person, I’ve?struggled and failed?to be?empathetic?towards my?loved?ones.

Let me type that again.?

I’ve failed, multiple times.?

Empathy is not always easy. It’s hard,?especially?when you know it’s an option.

…

Especially when you know it’s the better option.?

And boy did this come to a catalyst recently, talking with my mother about a member of our family, who is currently lost.

I couldn’t believe I had just been so excited to put “empathy” on my resume, but was actively not extending this courtesy to my own family.

The guilt that went through me was also met with the recognition that for any thing that you can consider a skill or an asset, you?have?to work at it, and you have to allow yourself?grace when you’re inconsistent.?

You have to allow yourself to grow, whether that’s getting through a plateau in your path, or digging yourself a hole, and then having to get out of it.

All parts of the journey can end with growth, so long as you recognize you need to stop digging, and you need to start climbing.?

When it comes to empathy, you truly never know what someone is going through, even if you’ve walked a similar path yourself.?

For example: When it comes to my current family members who are struggling, I don’t know exactly what they’re going through. Even my parents, who’ve walked similar paths, can’t know. One thing they’ve shared with me though, is that the pain and anger they felt towards themselves, during their addiction, was?so?great, it was probably equal, if not more, than the anger/pain that those who loved them felt.?

With this knowledge, I’m able to swallow that pain and hurt, enough to feel empathy, to extend a shred of understanding for/of them, and to love them through it…which is something I can only now recently say.?

And that is growth. But of course, I still have a lot of growing to do, when it comes to choosing empathy consistently, in these specific moments.?

What about in everyday context though??

There is no saying that this isn’t someone’s “everyday” struggle. The person that you come across in the hallway at work, on a zoom screen, in the coffee shop, or across the table from you––you don’t know what they’re going through: mental health crisis, loss, anger, sorrow, etc.?

Outside of your interactions with them, you can make guesses, you can make assumptions, but in reality, you just don’t know.?

But in that uncertainty, there is something you can do:

Choose empathy.?