#IWD : An ode to a woman lover.

I’ve been trying to help Chris with his letter today (he writes a letter fortnightly about stuff that people like: chrismarr.co.uk). Struggling with topics, themes, threads and striving for consistency within his message of; stumble, fall, get up, realise, change, monitor and continue the work in progress, I suggested IWD.

I suggest Chris writes something about IWD every year,

I do this in the vain hope that he’ll write something about me, because I’m shallow, needy and desperate for attention. I want him to express his undying gratitude for my existence and how his life wouldn’t, couldn’t! Go on without me or some sickening public display of love and affection for all that I am…

But as quick as I suggest, Chris looks to me for help. He shys off, fumbling for words in a subject he feels he has no right to talk about.

And so despite my suggestions of alternative (lesser) ideas of say… women empowerment or !!OUTSTANDING RECOGNITION!! Every year Chris writes something else instead or doesn’t at all, trapped by his own confusion.

And if I’m honest I don’t blame him.

I find it almost impossible to speak about how much I love women without feeling like I’m nowhere near the justification it needs. And I suspect, in fact I know Chris feels the same.

So this letter is for all the people in the world trying to find the words to say to the women in their lives how much they are seen, heard and understood.

Most days I pick myself up, get out of bed and simultaneously batter myself with thoughts and actions about how I am failing. I look in the mirror and stare intently at my unforgiving body, naked and dimpled. I glare with my own harsh judgement ‘too fat, too old, too spotty, too messy…’ I question my abilities of the day and the ‘never enough’ cycle comes into play.

Chris will stand to the side of that mirror and comment, give praise to my hard work and determination. He’ll shout out about my beauty and attraction proclaiming his love for the bits I hate. He’ll put forward his objections to my every manner and stand against my self fuelled attacks. He’ll wish me with all the will of his existence that I am destined for great things.

There are many struggles I have faced in my life. Some devastatingly lonely and well before our time. But yet the strongest I have grown has been in these past handful of years, beside him.

Chris has an ability to see far beyond the realms of prejudice or privilege. He steps well out of his tired and worn white male shoes in every engagement he has.

For most (me included), their innate core beliefs, grounded into them over their entire lifespan, take hold of their immediate interactions creating bigots, racists and fascists of us all.

Chris, by complete chance, has had the perfect mix of right and wrong in his life to help mix him up a little.

I’m not saying that he hasn’t made bad choices or thought total bullshit at times but what I am saying is he has this incredible ability to see the soul of a human. No gender, no colour, culture, sexual orientation — just a soul and more specifically how they communicate their soul.

Those closest to Chris, who may have confided in him, been taught by him or love him will be at this point saying… YES! That’s it — he’s really weird and we don’t know why.

This is why.

SOPHIE

My daughter Sophie explained it so perfectly to me;

When I’m speaking to Chris, he pauses and is quiet in his questions and he waits. He doesn’t speak over me or state with the answers he thinks I should have. He listens. He doesn’t make me feel like everyone else does, he doesn’t act as if I don’t know my own mind.

And for an 18 year old girl that’s exactly the type of influence I need in her life to ensure she is the best kind of person she can be.

I totally get what Sophie is saying.

For me — there is nothing I cannot do when I confide in Chris. For so long I’ve felt I was too loud, too brash too unrealistic in my ideas, hopes and dreams for the world as I see it.

At the very beginning of Chris and Cara I feared our love, for I truly believed I didn’t deserve it. But in one simple conversation just after our first kiss Chris said to me,

Cara, this is on me. You owe me nothing.

As a woman, and all the relationships I have held, no man has ever said or even gestured that I did not owe them. On every single encounter I’ve felt a duty, to give myself without question to the man who is bating.

I’ve always surrounded myself with responsibility of others and in one short sentence Chris set me free.

LUNA-ROSE

There is no greater sight for my eyes than watching Chris with Luna. His hope and love for our baby and all her incredibilities are my pride and light on some of the darkest of moments I have bathed in.

Chris has an overwhelming emotion within him about what the future holds for him as a father of a daughter. His reading reflects his thoughts and aspirations of what it takes to raise a daughter; his every focus on her need and all that he can do to guide her.

I have been a mother since I was 18 so when Chris and I became a family, I already had 2 massive kids — Sophie 15, Paddy 8, Chris had 9 month old Spencer. The circumstances were heartbreakingly brutal for Chris, so the time he had with Spencer I made sure I gave him everything I knew.

3 and a bit years on and Chris has moulded his own craft of parenting and although different from mine, I am just so grateful he’s had the opportunity. His presence and belonging to those children is the most grounded faith I have ever bared witness to.

MAGGIE

Chris’s mum.

If anyone ever needed an answer as to why Chris loves women it’s Maggie.

Now, before I even met Chris’s mum he’d drummed into my head that Maggie was her name because of the fame and prestigious grace she held captivated in every story, every decision and every loving memory he told me.

In fact Maggie wasn’t the name Chris’s mum preferred. Margaret is just fine.

However, Maggie believes in her sons happiness so much that she will 100% put up with his new bolshy girlfriend mistakenly nicknaming her and allow all the family to follow suit!

I love Maggie. I love her for all the power that she is, everything that she does for her beautiful family and all that she has achieved in her life thus far. I love her for loving me and accepting my family as her own. I love her for loving Stuart and the stronghold they are, the stability they give to us all. I love her most of all for raising such an incredible man to be my love, father to my children and best friend.

***

I know it’s easy for me to say. I’m dead good at writing and I can articulate my feelings and be oh so fucking clever about it. I know it’s not easy for most. But I want you to know that if you feel love for the women in your life, the chances are they feel it too and you’re doing just fine. You’re doing enough, you are enough and they see you.

Women and men were born to work together.