I’ve Started a New Chapter in my Life – And It’s Been Quite the Journey (Part 3 of 3)

In my last post, I spoke about the non-traditional healing methods I’ve been embracing on my journey to physical and mental wellbeing. Today I wrap up the series with a few other pieces to my holistic puzzle, as well as some final thoughts on the journey.

Through all of this, one of the most important changes has been to establish a new cadence and lifestyle for myself. I even have morning and evening routines, many of which I gleaned from the book Focus Effect: Change Your Work, Change Your Life. I’m looking at the relationships in my life, both current and past, and trying to understand how and why some didn’t work while others have been so easy and fulfilling. I’m being very intentional about investing time in that.

I’m putting in the effort, trying to be the best possible version of myself for my kids, my friends, my work – for me. I’m trying to demonstrate to my children that we all have it inside ourselves to both decide to change and fulfill our potential, whatever shape that might take for each of us.

That waiting to find happiness “someday” when we feel good about ourselves or have the perfect this or the perfect that is only wasting time. However, we only have today and the present is all there is. I want my kids to grow up knowing they have the power to influence and even curate their own happiness, and that with the right knowledge, training, and guidance, as well as proper self-care and nutrition to create a healthy gut (our second brain), happiness can be a choice.

I’m learning to let go and love myself

I’ve spent a lot of time judging myself. Now I’m learning – trying – to drop those judgements and love myself instead. Sounds weird, I know, but this mindset shift has been transformational. It takes practice, don’t get me wrong. I have to work at it day in and day out. And just like an athlete who practises hard every day, I still make mistakes. Sometimes I skip my daily routines and feel terrible (quite literally) and have to get back on the horse – without judging myself – and start again.

But I’m learning to surrender to the situation, to accept that I can’t control everything – and to let go. There’s a beautiful meditation on the free Insight Timer app that speaks to this practice – it’s called “Loving and Listening to Yourself” by Sarah Blondin. It was slightly jarring at first to repeat “I love you” to myself, because I had only ever said it to others. I suppose it is about time I said it to myself.

Along the same lines, and as I have mentioned in previous posts, psychologist Tara Brach has been an important teacher in my life. From her, I’ve learned that life and even pain and suffering are all about perception, among many other things – and that to get through them, we need to accept what is, and surrender. In this new phase of my life, I’m learning to change my perceptions. I’m working to embrace the idea that good and bad are all in the eye of the beholder, based on how we were raised and what rules we’ve adopted for ourselves over the course of our lives. ?

I'm trying to learn and teach my kids not to get stressed out about things that they can't change, but instead to get curious and ask what things really mean, what gift they bring, why they might be happening and how they are happening for them, not to them. This will help prevent them from falling into victimhood and put them in control of their lives. I love this Marcel Proust quote as it captures the essence of what I’m trying to teach my kids and nurture in myself: “The journey of true discovery lies not in finding new lands, but in looking through new eyes.”

I’m realizing what’s truly important

I’m realizing now that I have given more to my work than to my life.

I love my work – so much – but the decades I spent working until 2:00 a.m. did not serve me. They meant I gave less to myself and to my family because I was so exhausted and depleted. I can see now that this intense drive came to me from my immigrant grandparents, who were constantly in survival mode, always having to work hard to feed and clothe their children. These deep, impactful emotions and ways of approaching life get passed down through generations without us even knowing it. And unless we stop and examine why we do things that don’t serve us, and dive deep into our subconscious to change them, those unhelpful and often detrimental behaviours will remain unchanged.

I happened to be only fifty when I realized this, and I’m grateful for that. Some people go their entire lives without that realization. Seeing things through different eyes is truly a gift… and then it's a choice.

I think COVID is teaching that lesson to a lot of people. The pandemic has been a great impetus for many to look at their lives and see what's important, to prioritize their own and their families’ happiness. It’s been amazing to see all the people who are reconnecting with each other, slowing down, even choosing to move out of the city to get back to their families or just to be closer to nature.

I’ve curated my healing journey to help manifest the life I want to live

But COVID has also been very hard – for everyone. There’s been so much to grieve this past year, most of all the terrible loss of loved ones around the world. And many of us are also experiencing the loss of connection. We’ve been isolated from our friends and families for so long, and from activities and rituals in our lives that used to help us feel whole. I know I’m not the only one who’s gone through some pretty tough times.

I can’t speak for others, but from my own experience I can tell you that there’s a way through it. While I was going through my own difficult time, this phrase by Lucien Carr (a key member of the 1940s Beat Generation) gave me comfort, and it rings true today: “To be reborn, you have to die first.” That rebirth takes time and effort, but it’s possible.

The way I’ve done it might not be the approach that would work for you, or that you’d be open to. But I’ve been motivated to share my approach in case it can help you in some way, or even just inspire you to seek the methods that work best for you and your life.

I can tell you today that I’ve never felt better. I’m proud of the work I’ve put in, I’m proud of the way my family is finding its way in our new reality, I’m proud of how I’ve navigated the tough times.

As Maya Angelou said to Oprah when she turned fifty, “The fifties are all you were meant to be.” I feel this more and more each day. I’m truly excited about my life and my future.

Maybe even more apt is the motto of the two hilarious women in their 70s played by Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin on the TV show Grace & Frankie: “Fuck it.” Today I am strong and healthy, and showing up in the world the way I choose to. Like Grace and Frankie, I’m moving away from people’s expectations of me and living my best life, for myself. And if this past year has shown me anything, it’s that I’m resourceful, resilient – and ready to live my “ideal scene” and the life I want to.

Thank you for coming on this ride with me – it’s been an honour and a privilege to share it with you.?