I’ve got the Power!

I want to tell you a story …

My husband was involved in an event in another city.? I decided to go with him, to have a ‘chill’ weekend away, free to do what I wanted.

One of the people taking part in the event, Pete, has a severe disability and needs help to participate.

I’d just got a cup of tea, and was relaxing after the long car journey when I got a call, “Krista, come over here” and when I went over to where I’d been called, I was told “You need to help Pete”. There wasn’t any one there to help Pete, and I was the only one not involved in the event.

So I had to sit and assist Pete for one hour and 40 minutes.

My initial reaction was anger. I was absolutely fuming inside. I was angry because I felt powerless.? My choice had been taken away.? I was also angry because I had submitted.?

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You may have been in similar situations, where you feel powerless.

We've all got power, all the time, though sometimes it can be challenging to believe that.

?This newsletter explores

1.?????? Why we behave how we do

2.?????? The importance of power to us

3.?????? Where we have power

4.?????? Strategies to feel more powerful to help you in what you do

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1.?????? Why we behave as we do

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The Three Behaviours

There are three types of behaviours we can use when we interact with other people. In any situation we choose to behave in one of three ways:-

• assertively
• submissively
• aggressively (passive or openly)

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Triggers and Responses

Any interaction with another person is made up of triggers and responses. ?Someone says or does something – a behavioural trigger - and there is an emotional response to the behaviour which triggers a behaviour and this has a response, and so on.

The trigger from the other person can be assertive, aggressive, and submissive. We respond to the behaviour trigger assertively, where we assert our rights, aggressively where we confront, or submissively, where we avoid conflict.? In the situation with Pete I had been manipulated into helping and the trigger was aggressive – I had not been asked, given choice.? I submitted but I didn't like it and I was right not to like it.?? Trigger – a command to help – aggressive: Response – agreed –submission.

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Fight or Flight Response

I submitted and I didn’t like it but I was behaving according to my fundamental programming.? My emotional fight or flight response kicked in, in response to the trigger.

Our fight or flight response is very powerful and useful – it makes us aware of danger and manages our physiology to help us deal with the danger.

What’s not so useful is that due to brain design it kicks in just before the logical/thinking part of the brain and it doesn’t distinguish between ‘dangers’ – it cannot differentiate between physical and emotional ‘attacks’.

However the fight or flight response is there to help you.? It has a positive intention in the information it gives you.

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Why does it matter?

Why is it important to recognise that we have an instinctive fight or flight response?

It matters because it is empowering to know, to believe, you have the right to feel anger or any other emotion.?

Even though other people behaved as I didn’t have the right to feel anger, I knew I had the right to feel anger as I’d been given very little choice in the matter. I’d been told, not asked.? The other persons behaviour was chosen to get me to submit.? There was no concern about how I’d feel about having my rights – my power – taken away.

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2.?????? The importance of power to us

We need to feel powerful

Why does it matter when our rights are taken away? ?

It matters because we need to feel powerful.

We know intuitively and intellectually that even in today's ‘modern’ society it can be dangerous to be weak, or perceived weak. Think of workplace, cyberspace and school bullying for example.

We feel powerful when we

• Are consulted
• Feel valued
• Feel we have a measure of control

In the situation with Pete I hadn’t been consulted, and my value was as not as me – as an individual – my value was in being useful to others.? Initially I did not feel that I had a measure of control over my life – my anger was telling me this.

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We can take control

‘No one can make you feel inferior without your consent’ (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Even if we are not valued or consulted as much as we feel we ought to be, we can get back our power by taking control. We can choose to have control over our life in any situation. In the situation with Pete I had several choices.? I could remain angry and annoyed; I could accept that my role was to help Pete. Or I could choose other options.?

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3.?????? Where we have power

The Power of Choice

If you have

• one choice - you are stuck
• two choices - you have a dilemma
• three choices - you have options and choice

Having choice is very important to us as it impacts on our feeling of power. The more choice we have the less powerless we feel.

We have choice over our behaviour ??

The Behaviour Equation -?? S + B = O - Situation + Behaviour = Outcome

In any situation, we have choice over our behaviour. The behaviour we choose will impact on the outcome.?

So it’s important to consider what outcome you want in any situation and what behaviour will most likely achieve that outcome.? The definition of insanity is ‘Doing what you’ve always done (in a situation) and expecting a different outcome.’? If one behaviour doesn’t get the outcome you want, try another.

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Using the Behaviour Equation

Using the Behaviour Equation, think of a situation you are in, home or work, and the outcome you want. Then think of the different behaviours that are possible.

Situation ??????????????????????????? ___________________________?

Desired Outcome??????????? ___________________________

Behaviour?????????????????????????? ___________________________

Behaviour?????????????????????????? ___________________________

Behaviour?????????????????????????? ___________________________

Behaviour?????????????????????????? ___________________________

Behaviour?????????????????????????? ___________________________

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The Impact of Internal on External

How do we behave as we do? What impacts on our choice of behaviour? ??Our behaviour doesn’t just happen, it stems from our state of mind, which in turn stems from our values and beliefs.

?Some examples

• If I have a strong belief that it’s wrong to be cruel to animals, it’s very likely that if I see someone being cruel to an animal, my state will be affected.
• If I believe that people should take care on the road, my state will be affected if I see someone driving dangerously.

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4.?????? Strategies to feel more powerful to help you in what you do

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1.?????? Managing your state

Our state impacts on our behaviour which impacts on the outcome or results. ?The easiest way to change our behaviour is to change our state.

State is everything … well almost

The great news is we have supreme power over our state.? We choose our state and what affects our state.? Other people may be triggers, but we are in charge of our response. It doesn’t have to be cause/effect.?

We can use state management techniques to feel how we want to feel. How good is that!

Managing your state

I’d like you to calibrate how you feel at this current moment in terms of feeling good on a Scale of 1 – 10 (1 low, 10 high)

Now think of a very happy, positive event

Calibrate how you feel now on the same scale of 1 – 10.

Has the thinking of a happy, positive event affected your state??? Most probably.? That memory is a positive anchor that you can use to change your state whenever you want to!

Changing state can be done by either changing your Physiology – body, or Focus – mind

Some ways to change state

• Take deep breaths – this changes your physiology
• Reframe – see a problem as a challenge – this changes your focus
• Negotiation – “I’ll put up with this now, and think of ways to manage it in the future”

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2.?????? Language power

We can use language to sound and feel powerful. Here are 2 approaches.

• ?Use positive language e.g., ‘I can do that on Monday’ rather than ‘I can’t do that until Monday’

Here you are offering no more in the first statement than the second, but the impression in the first is more positive and powerful.

• Own the situation by using ‘I’ statements e.g. ‘When you do that I feel annoyed’ rather than ‘You make me feel annoyed’.

?By using ‘I’ rather than ‘you’ you are owning the issue – and you have the power, you are not giving it to the other person.

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?Why does it matter?

So why does it matter? Why is it useful to have strategies to manage your state and behaviour?

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1. You cannot not communicate?

We are communicating what we are about, what we are feeling, all the time, by our words, our tone, and our non verbal communication.

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2. #Congruence is a component of #credibility

If the non verbal language, tone and words you use don’t match – are incongruent - this will be seen. We don’t like dissonance and mistrust it.?

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3. You are more in control – less stressed, get positive outcomes

You will feel more in control with the result that you will feel less powerless, less stressed and you are more likely to get the outcomes you want.

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4. You are in charge of you

Don’t expect people to rescue you.? I knew in the situation with Pete that no one was going to come to my assistance – it suited them not to. It was down to me to deal with it. ?‘If it’s to be, it’s up to me’

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You’ve got the power

Here’s a way you can find out how you’ve got the power. Think of a challenging situation and then complete the sentences below.

Situation ________________________________________________________

I’ve got the power ????????????because …………………………………….…….…………………….…..

I’ve got the power ??????????? and ………………………………………………..………………………….

I’ve got the power? ?????????? so ………………………………………………..…………………………...

I’ve got the power? ???????????when …………………………………………..…………………………….

I’ve got the power? ?????????? to ……………………………………………..……………………………….

You’ve got the power – if you choose to take it.

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The end of the story

So how did I manage the situation with Pete?

I took back my power.

• I mentally negotiated and said to myself ‘I’ll do one session and I’ve done my bit’. This was my mantra.
• I told myself - self talked – ‘It’s not my problem that Pete had no assistance.? It’s not my role to assist’
• I then thought – ‘how can I use my time usefully – how can I learn – so it’s useful for me? And I focused on doing this.

I gave myself power.

#kristabites #confidence #mindset #crediblehr