I've Finally Learned to Love Myself Again

The elephant in the room

The one thing everyone was hating and couldn’t get their head around.

Josh’s hair and the beard.

“What the hell is he doing?”

Even now I’m like WTF

What the hell was going on with my hair and beard the last few months?

It’s so funny now looking back on it and at old photos of me because I was genuinely convinced, just a couple of weeks ago that I would never cut my hair again or shave my beard.

This was it.

I was a new guy.

I had a new identify.

Josh was dead.

It was only the Tartan Explorer who lived now.

I can remember cycling along the Swedish coast one night, thinking of a blog in my head called

“Josh is dead, he’s never coming back”

The main theme of this blog was how that the old Josh was gone.

He was never coming back.

That was my way of justifying it for a period of time.

And although I realise now that wasn’t the way I had to be.

It did serve it’s purpose for a while.

I’ve always been a very self confident, ambitious young guy who had a lot of love and belief for himself.

But over the last few years, I made a lot of mistakes, hurt a lot of people and lost people who meant a lot to me.

And because of this I hated myself.

Like really despised myself.

An unhealthy amount of self loathing.

Because I knew it was my fault I resented myself for this.

I used to look in the mirror every day at the guy who ruined my life.

As I saw it at the time.

So when the beard and longer hair started to appear during my tour around Scotland.

It was quite nice at first.

Because no longer did I have to look at the guy I hated.

I didn’t see the same wee boy in the mirror anymore.

I was starting to resemble a man.

And as I started to really transform how I felt as I started my world cycle, I associated this transformation with my new appearance.

It was easy to distinguish between the old Josh and the new Josh.

I can remember looking at the video I made to promote the world cycle and seeing a wee boy who looked like he was really suffering.

And I was.

And now I seen a guy with a different appearance who was really happy.

And it really helped me feel like I was a new guy by looking different, as I associated that young looking Josh with pain and suffering.

However, as things started to get even better for me

I reached a point where I felt I’d really found everything I was looking for, I felt so happy within myself and I was completely content.

Life couldn’t be better.

Then something really special happened.

I was reflecting on the Tartan Explorer journey and looked back at a few old videos from the Scottish tour.

I looked at the video of me in South Queensferry, just about to start my cycle toward Edinburgh to complete my Scottish challenge.

This was a real milestone and one of the greatest days of my life.

But when I looked at the boy in the video I felt something that I hadn’t felt in years.

I though to myself

“I f*cking love that guy*

I seen my old self, the young Josh that I used to love so much and for the first time in years felt so happy to see him.

I’d finally got to a stage in my life again where I felt that good within myself that I could love myself again.

I’ve finally forgiven myself for the past.

I’d learned to love myself again and It was time to meet that guy again.

There was only one thing left to do.

Barber shop.

It was time.

As soon as I woke up that day it was the only thing on my mind.

I had an extra spring in my step.

I was going to the barbers to get my hair and beard cut off to reveal my old happy self.

I walked along the sidewalk in Gothenburg and was feeling on top of the world.

To say I was excited was an understatement.

I stood on the edge of the water, staring out.

I put in my earphones and put on my favourite song of all time.

The song that inspires me the most out of anything.

Braveheart.

I don’t know what it is about that soundtrack but it fires me up so much.

I listen to it every morning usually before starting cycling.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been away from Scotland for so long that makes me appreciate it so much more.

But I stood there on the water that day, staring out with the music in my ears and knew that it was one of the most special moments of my life.

It was one of the final pieces of my happiness jigsaw.

The last thing I needed to do to say I was fully back to my old self.

I walked into the Barbers and sat down on the seat.

It begun.

It was one of the most amazing experiences ever, just watching my true self slowly appear in the mirror in front of me.

For so long I’d stared in similar mirrors hating what was staring back at me.

But very slowly,

Piece by piece

I was starting to resemble my old self.

With each clump of hair that fell below me, I felt my self rising further and further in self confidence.

Finally I was staring back at the boy I loved

The boy I hadn’t seen in so long.

I walked out of the shop that day feeling like a million dollars.

I felt like I could walk on water if given the chance.

Even as I write this now, 2 weeks on the hairs on the back of my neck are standing up as I remember the feeling I had that day.

I finally learned to love myself again.

I’m back to being as ambitious and self confident as I used to be and I am for one so excited about my future and the opportunities ahead of me.

I believe I have so many amazing strengths and qualities, and that I’ll use these to achieve all of the goals and objectives that I’ve set out for my promising future.

I have a crystal clear vision of who I am and what I want to do and achieve in this world.

I know it’s not very common, especially in Scotland for someone to come out and say they love their-self and they think they are special.

But I don’t agree with that mindset.

I think we need to be confident and believe we are the best we can be, and I think that at my best I can really help and inspire so many people through my work.

I have so many ideas, plans and goals to help others.

My heart is in the right place, I genuinely want to help others and make a positive contribution to society.

I can’t even begin to describe how high I am aiming.

Since all the darkness left my mind, it’s been filled with so many creative and wonderful ideas.

I’m fully back in my zone.

In my element.

Ready to take on the world and finally fulfil my destiny.

Learning to love myself again was such an important part of my growth.

Because if I can’t learn to love myself then how can I expect others to?

I believe I am a leader,

And to lead and expect others to follow I need to be filled with confidence and belief in myself.

And I can assure you I know have an absolutely abundance of confidence and belief in who I am as a person.

I finally sorted out my mental health problems, I got my life back and I found my true self.

It’s now time to help others through sharing my gift and fulfilling the potential I’ve always had.

The Tartan Explorer ??????