I've been #sober for one month!

Hi all,

I thought I'd share some of my journey to sobriety here. It's been a long time coming. It's a longer and fairly personal post. But to those who have, do, and will work with me, it seems pertinent. And I prefer the honesty and vulnerability to covering up or moving on. Here it goes.

Today, I Am One Month Sober!

I'm smiling. I am filled with a sense of peace, with purpose, and determination. The day-to-day actions I have been taking make a difference. New habits like recovery meeting, retrieved habits like exercise, morning writing, and communing with the marvels of the world, and just making sure I’m in touch with friends and family who fill my life.

Love and care, people. Love and care.

Why’d I decide to go sober a month ago? I was tired and fed up. I’d spent less ~30 evenings and nights sober in the last 3 years. There are “reasons” for this, not all of which I will share. (BTW, I only speak for me.) I wanted to check out. I was in a relationship that had become toxic in part from drinking. And I wanted to drink the pain into submission...or so I thought...so the alcohol wanted me to think...actually DID get me to think. I drank to escape the stress of that partnership, then the stress of running for the State House of Representatives, then the stress of losing much of this, and then it truly became its own beast. Drinking became, as a wise person has written, "a rapacious predator."

I was an anxious and angry wreck. Explosive. If I got drunk and agitated and couldn’t escape, woe to the nearest glass. Truly, I was turning into someone at night I’d hate during the day: a Mr. Hyde, an anxious petty suburban academic faux Hulk with a chip on his shoulder. I destroyed trust. I’d wake up ashamed and wanting to escape. But I needed to actually admit that the rage was becoming pathological and that alcohol had come to occupy half of my life. It was cunning and inescapable.

There were times when I backed off or went into a personal “rehab” of sorts. I got books to work with. I read about alcoholism and how to cope with rage. Talked with my therapist. But my life was, quite frankly, set against good prospects because of a parade of bad habits and a toxic past. Most importantly, I was unwilling to admit that I was powerless to alcohol, that something more powerful than myself would have to intervene, and that I needed to ask for help from a group of people who had done this. And all of my pride, my sense of being capable and creative, stood in the way. Surely, I’m smarter and more able to deal with something I’ve never done than millions of committed and sober people. Laughable. It was pure ego and fear of being ridiculed or separated from people. Worse, I continued to hurt people close to me, something that brings those waves of regret I've shared here.

Then, a little over a month ago, I had an epiphany. All of that fear and doubt created illusions. The rage and the alcohol were fattening up my pride and my ego and then eating it too. They are sadistic pig farmers. Not only will they eat it at the end, but they’ll bring it back to life and feast on its deepest fears. A rapacious predator indeed. I said, "No. Never again."

I will never ever get drunk and put my personal safety, sanity, parenthood, or well-being on the line for alcohol or for any person who would seek to put me in that position. The time was up for me and anyone who would try to hold me in that positon.

I haven’t. And I won’t. [I understand that relapses happen and that stumbling is an option, but I am not there at all.] In the next week I started recovery. I have completed a certified anger management class.

Has this eliminated my desire to drink and my anger? Well, I haven’t actually wanted to drink yet, but I have experienced some intense anxiety in the grocery store as I walk the alcohol aisle looking for something else. The fibers in my back, shoulders, arms, and hands feel like someone has cranked a winch that winds the cables tight. It subsides as I sing to myself and change the subject. My rage hasn’t been triggered, which is great, in part because I haven’t been in those situations where I would explode. I can see what those are (I think) better and have multiple strategies that help me even before I get there. So I practice.

Well, this has been quite a lot.

As I said a few days ago, I haven’t really loved myself and I’ve sneered at that idea for years. But there’s this kid inside me who still needs a loving dad. And I’m both of them, the son and the father. I’ve got to set the example for him and part of that example is doing what loving, smart, accountable, and responsible grown-ups do. They take care of themselves and others.

I love you, Peter.

To today!