It’s Your Life … but Who’s in Control?

When it comes to managing our time, focus, and attention, we either take control or we cede control … it’s one or the other, and too many of us don’t realize we have that choice.

The one thing that makes the “human experience” so rich and rewarding is our singular ability to manage our own lives. So, how would you feel about losing that ability?

Do your days consistently feel more reactive than proactive? Whenever your phone chirps or vibrates, do you reach for it unconsciously, like some programmed automaton?

We humans have a fundamental need to manage our own lives. Most of us are starving for a sense of control, a sense of boundaries, a feeling of self and of self-chosen destiny. These things are universal; they burn in every human heart, but too many of us have lost that control.

There Were More Than 100 Adults in the Dining Room, and the Only Person Who Took Control was a 3-Year-Old!

A while back, my wife and I took my mother out for dinner. We were seated at a large booth just chatting and catching up on the latest happenings in our lives when that pleasant buzz of a busy restaurant was suddenly shattered by an ear-piercing scream from a small child. A few moments later, there was another scream, followed by another and another.

When this child hollered it was so loud our conversation was completely drowned out. So I raised myself to get a look at this kid, who was causing all the commotion, and there he was, standing on his chair, clutching some crayons, and with a big smile on his face, he would scream each time he threw a crayon down the length of the table.

I then watched in disbelief as his doting mother gathered up the crayons and handed them back so he could reload! The boy’s father offered the child a meaningless shush, and so it went.

A few minutes later, our waiter brought our food, apologized for the racket, and walked away.

For the next 20 minutes, that child continued, unabated. Eight adults sat at a table across the aisle, and like us, they had all but given up on conversation. Several of them were rubbing their foreheads in what looked like an attempt to ward off the onset of a migraine.

Eventually, the screaming subsided. I suspect that once that child had clearly established that he was lord of the manor, he settled down to enjoy his dinner.

However, that dining experience had been ruined for everyone, and as I sat there, my anger and guilt began to well up. You see, I happened to be the author of a program on overcoming information overload and stress, and here I was stewing, fuming, and redlining on stress.

So, to calm my nerves, I went over to the table that caused all the commotion. I apologized for interrupting and said,

“I just want you to know that because of your inconsiderate behaviour, you’ve created a miserable dining experience for everyone else in this room tonight.”

The child’s mother immediately proclaimed her innocence by protesting that her son was only three years old, so what could she possibly do?

I said, “Look, I didn’t come here to discuss your problem, I came here because I want you to know that you have been utterly disrespectful to everyone in this dining room — including your son whom you’ve allowed to become an object of contempt! I just thought you should know that!”

As I walked back to my table, several of my fellow patrons murmured their thanks and gave me a thumbs-up.

But for the next several days I could not get that evening out of my mind. I was angry about the situation of course, but I was most angry with myself for failing to be proactive.

In fact, every adult in that dining room was guilty to some degree; the parents couldn’t manage their child, the management couldn’t manage their restaurant, and everyone else allowed their dining experience to be managed by an unruly child. As for me, I should have had enough initiative to insist that the establishment either deal with that matter immediately or we were leaving!

Although that story is anecdotal, it symbolizes a problem I see everywhere: an unjustified acceptance of allowing our lives to be managed, manipulated, and bullied by any number of outside forces.

Online media companies are absolute masters at manipulating our lives!

The big media companies are making fortunes by hawking their products, and here’s the thing: The product is us! They’re cashing in on the most valuable things we own; they’re selling our time, our focus, and our attention to advertisers for billions of dollars. Their business model is to get the highest number of people to spend as much time as possible on their platforms by creating habits and addictions, and to that end, they have been wildly successful.

We like to think that most of what we consume online is the result of conscious choice, but the stories and ads that pop up on our newsfeeds and social media apps are selected by algorithms that have tracked our online activities. They analyze our data and use it to predict what will have the greatest influence on our biases, vulnerabilities, and beliefs … a flagrant invasion into the most private corners of our lives.

In general, we’ve become desensitized to appropriate social etiquette

It used to be that if someone wanted our time and attention, they would have to pick up the phone or speak to us in person — which meant they needed to have a valid reason — but with emails and texts, the sender no longer feels the same obligation.

Emailing and texting is asynchronous — meaning it doesn’t require two people to be present for it to work — and once we remove the onus to justify the intrusion, we have a general state of chaos.

Emails and texts come to us at any time, uninvited, demanding our attention like some screaming toddler, and if we don’t effectively know how to manage this relentless barrage it will slowly and systematically drain our energy, productivity, and enthusiasm.

People often equate freedom with spontaneity. They like to react to life on the fly, but ...

If you allow random events, social media, and the endless stream of interruptions to disrupt your day, then you’re living a life of reaction, and never are you less free than when you’re living a life of reaction.

By contrast, a routine implies priorities, and priorities imply order. If you can learn to design a routine in which you proactively manage your time and attention (and you can), you’ll find the time to work on constructive projects, you’ll define the lines between work and leisure, and you will dramatically lower any feelings of stress and anxiety.

In fact, your happiness and success will come down to the degree that you are able to govern your own life. In other words, guard your time, focus, and attention with your life because, after all … it is!

The next time you’re feeling managed or bullied — whether it be something as simple as a disrupted evening, manipulation by big media, or just an endless stream of unwarranted demands for your focus and attention — that’s the time to take action and declare;

“This is my life; these are my rules, and from now on, I’m in control.” Because here’s the thing: Your life will always be managed, but who gets the job?

Well, that is up to you!