It's not your fault. 11/23-International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day

 The Broken Road to Mental Health In Life and in Business

Published by Sharon Fekete 

November 23rd- "International Survivors of Suicide Loss Day was designated by the United States Congress as a day when the friends and family of those who have died by suicide can join together for healing and support. This day always falls on the Saturday before American Thanksgiving."

In honor of this day, I wanted to post chapter 12 of my book, The Broken Road to Mental Health In Life and in Business. I hope it brings someone a touch of peace today.

Chapter Twelve: To the families touched by addiction & suicide

First and foremost, it’s not your fault. I want to share with you now the reason I decided to write this book. I have received so many gifts since I got sober in 1994, too many to list. I never spent any significant lengths of time reflecting on this journey as I have now in my 25th year. I was taught to live one day at a time and that is how these years all came together. Slowly. One of the most recent gifts I was afforded was an offer to be the Health and Wellness Editor of a local magazine. I have always enjoyed writing and sharing my journey with others in my 12-Step recovery program, but never thought there would one day be an opportunity to cross my knowledge over into the business community.

I had remained anonymous in business with the exception of both bosses in my last two positions in the medical industry. It has always been recommended to remain anonymous because there is an unfortunate amount of judgment and stigma related to the 12-Step program I attend, to alcoholism, to addiction, and to mental health. When the publisher of this astute publication asked what charity should benefit an event we were hosting on preventative medicine, I immediately thought of something related to mental health. We agreed to be purposeful in our selection. He had a friend that lost a child to suicide and sat on the board of a local foundation. This particular foundation benefits all critical services and programs for children in Tampa Bay.

I drove to meet the Executive Director and announced myself as the Health and Wellness Editor. As I began to ask him questions about why he was passionate about his job, he told me about how mental illness and substance abuse affected his family. He shared how watching them battle these diseases shaped his life and how he wanted to change the conversation surrounding mental health and to make a difference. I felt like a complete fraud listening to him and began to blurt out my own life experience.

We went on to host an event about living a preventative lifestyle. As the emcee, I guided the questions to my panel of physician clients and felt inspired to reveal my own experience for the first time in a public business event. There were friends and colleagues in the audience that suffered the loss of a child to addiction and suicide. I wanted to inject my own thoughts surrounding depression and addiction. I felt compelled to include some of my journey toward mental wellness through prevention. I thought there just might be someone sitting in the crowd suffering in silence.

Prior to the event in 2017, the world lost two more famous musicians back-to-back to suicide, and the son of an affluent family in our community died by suicide. It was all around us and I began to internally struggle with sharing my experience, strength, and hope outside of my 12-Step recovery groups. I believed the community could benefit for hearing from someone like me that overcame tremendous adversity and could offer hope. I wanted to help and felt this overwhelming feeling of selfishness by keeping this path to freedom I found to only the people inside of my recovery group.

The next issue in the magazine was going to highlight the event and I wanted to include my experience. I asked the publisher how he felt about the title “Does Mental Health Live in Your Home?” The title spoke to me as I reflected about the thousands of children that came through the doors of the pediatric practice I formerly managed. I was aware of so many that came in seeking help for their suicidal and addicted teenagers. We catered to an affluent community surrounded in shame when it came to these children suffering from mental health issues. I thought the suggested title would be edgy yet impactful. Instead he chose “A Letter from the Health and Wellness Editor.” He would allow me to insert some of my personal story and I was thrilled with the opportunity. The piece was edited without my approval prior to going to print. I was disappointed that something so personal was in print without my final consent. It was the beginning of the end with that opportunity that I am still truly grateful for. I am also very grateful for the job I held in pediatrics for so many years. I choose to remember the good today. The program of recovery teaches me how vital it is to let things go and practice forgiveness. I have no room for anger and resentment in my life today. It is a danger zone I avoid at all cost.

The crane picked me up again and this time placed me on Home Shopping Network’s show, “A Healthy You.” Can you even believe how good God is to me? I am in awe of all the grace bestowed upon me and feel so loved. That is why I now believe I have to share this journey with you. I am here to tell you there is hope and it is not your fault. Alcoholism, addiction, and depression are all diseases of the mind. There is help out there and you are not alone. One of the greatest gifts of a 12-Step program is meeting others that have experienced similar obstacles. These new friends will help piece your life back together.

When I came upon Russell Brand’s book, “Recovery,” I was so mad. I didn’t think he was honoring Bill Wilson, the founder of my 12-Step Program. In my skeptical mind, I thought he was trying to make the program of recovery his own and capitalize off of it. (contempt prior to investigation) I was so wrong and thoroughly enjoyed his book and have since recommended both “Recovery” and “Mentors.” He realized this program of recovery offering spiritual principles could apply to everyone’s life. These books are worth checking out if you are struggling with any form of addiction today. Sidebar- he’s much funnier than I am and delivers a rather serious message with a fabulous bit of humor along with a lovely British accent on Audible.

A physician client of mine recently shared about a family member in the throws of addiction. I emailed part of the first 164 pages of the ‘The Big Book.’ In those pages are instructions for families, employers, wives, and everyone affected by this disease. It can be applied to you, too, if you are experiencing pain from the loss of a loved one. It will give you a better understanding of the mind of someone who is, or was, suffering. This is a family disease, and it runs through lives like a hurricane. Below is Bill Wilson’s letter to a fellow member that was suffering from depression. I bolded a section that I believe is meant for all of us today. I am forever grateful this courageous man took a risk to create our program of recovery. It is not for everyone and I have no opinions on any other programs. Just get help. That’s all I care about. We are all one. Connected.

The following excerpt is from a letter of Bill W.'s quoted in the memoirs of Tom P., and early California 12-Step Program member. Tom did not use the name of the person addressed—perhaps because he was still living.

Tom:

Here in part is what Bill W. wrote in 1958 to a close friend who shared his problem with depression, describing how Bill himself used St. Francis's prayer as a steppingstone toward recovery:

Dear ......,

I think that many oldsters who have put our 12-Step program "booze cure" to severe but successful tests still find they often lack emotional sobriety. Perhaps they will be the spearhead for the next major development in our 12-Step Program ... the development of much more real maturity and balance (which is to say, humility) in our relations with ourselves, with our fellows, and with God.

How to translate a right mental conviction into a right emotional result and so into easy, happy, and good living ... well, that's not only the neurotic's problem, it's the problem of life itself for all of us who have got to the point of real willingness to hew to right principles in all our affairs.

Even then, as we hew away, peace and joy may still elude us. That's the place so many of us 12-Step oldsters have come to. And it's a hell of a spot, literally.

Last autumn, depression, having no really rational cause at all, almost took me to the cleaners. I began to be scared that I was in for another long chronic spell. Considering the grief I've had with depressions, it wasn't a bright prospect.

I kept asking myself, "Why can't the Twelve Steps work to release depression?" By the hour, I stared at the St. Francis prayer ... "It is better to comfort than to be comforted." Here was the formula, all right, but why didn't it work?

Suddenly I realized what the matter was ... My basic flaw had always been dependence, almost absolute dependence on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came so did my depression.

There wasn't a chance of making the outgoing love of St. Francis a workable and joyous way of life until these fatal and almost absolute dependencies were cut away.

Reinforced by what grace I could secure in prayer, I found I had to exert every ounce of will and action to cut off these faulty emotional dependencies upon people, upon this program, indeed upon any set of circumstances whatsoever.

Then only could I be free to love as Francis had. Emotional and institutional satisfactions, I saw, were really the extra dividends of having love, offering love, and expressing a love appropriate to each relation of life.

Plainly, I could not avail myself of God's love until I was able to offer it back to Him by loving others, as He would have me. And I couldn't possibly do that as long as I was victimized by false dependencies.

For my dependency meant demand ... a demand for the possession and control of the people and the conditions surrounding me.

This seems to be the primary healing circuit, an outgoing love of God's creation and His people, by means of which we avail ourselves of His love for us. It is most clear that the real current can't flow until our paralyzing dependencies are broken, and broken at depth. Only then can we possibly have a glimmer of what adult love really is.

If we examine every disturbance we have, great or small, we will find at the root of it some unhealthy dependency and its consequent demand. Let us, with God's help, continually surrender these hobbling demands. Then we can be set free to live and love; we may then be able to gain emotional sobriety.

Of course, I haven't offered you a really new idea ... only a gimmick that has started to unhook several of my own "hexes" at depth. Nowadays my brain no longer races compulsively in either elation, grandiosity or depression. I have been given a quiet place in bright sunshine.

____________

Tom:

"Bill's word's of wisdom helped and inspired me and many others. To those who have never been there, it is hard to describe the gratitude that overflows in men and women who are delivered from the black depths of depression into the light. As with delivery from the bondage to alcohol, it is a hosanna of the heart that never ends."

Business/Life Parallel:

If you humble yourself to someone about mistakes you have made in life and in business, you will come to understand the true power of human connection. It is in our humility that we form the greatest bonds with the human race. If you practice this in your business life, with colleagues, employees, employers, you can offer an opportunity to form a bond. I know today if I offer my own shortcomings to someone in business, we will create a relationship that promotes trust. For me, relationships are the cornerstones to success.

Business Tip:

Contempt prior to investigation. This statement will keep you out of everlasting ignorance. Do your research before you form an opinion about anything or anyone in business and in life. In the words of Gary Vaynerchuk, “headline reading does not make you an expert and neither does your focus group of one.”