It’s not you…it’s me! Mastering the perception you have on others.

Do you wish you had a superpower that aligned people to your agendas and goals and made them like you more???

It may sound like a cheesy late-night tv commercial. Still, there is something that can truly help – it happens to all of us every day, and we do it to others - with every communication and interaction. Still, we rarely stop, slow down and focus on it, let alone have a plan on how to improve it (or a coach to hold us accountable).??

So, what is it? It’s the magical superpower that is the power of perception.?

We know we make first impressions and perceptions matter – but a few minutes of reading this will change your awareness and hopefully inspire you to action – the worst that can happen is you become likable. The best is using perception as your secret weapon to success and happiness!

What is Perception?

In social psychology, perception is defined as “the different mental processes that we use to form impressions of other people”.??

In relatable terms, everything you DO, WEAR, SAY and ACT impacts how others THINK and FEEL about you. Transversely, so does the opposite for example, what you don’t do, what you ignore and what you don’t say has a direct and more damaging impact on another’s perception.??

All this directly affects the view that others paint in your head – therefore, mastering perception is critical - others will subconsciously compare their perception of you to their values, needs, desires and wants. Although everyone’s values and views are different, they will conclude if you’re likeable or not, or even if they will follow you, work with you or go above and beyond to achieve more for you.??

These different values explain why two or more people may see the same behaviour in you but interpret your perception differently in their minds.???The perceptions that others have (and you do of them) can lead to pesky biases, dislikes, anxiety, nervousness and even hatred. On the other hand, they can also lead to alignment, harmony, joy, likeability, and motivation.??

You can’t please everyone, but you can try to listen and adapt to those who matter.

Why does perception matter?

Motivating others is not about telling, instructing, or commanding them what to do. Yet too many leaders or people trying to get something from others slip into this behaviour (particularly at times of stress). Some people will follow based on job title and position in the org chart (or even fear). Still, even they will make a perception of you that, like it or not, it does directly impact what they think of you, which has a quantifiable impact on how they act and conduct themselves around you.

As an executive coach, I’ve seen a consistent pattern and one that lately is coming up more and more – it’s what other people see in you that will hinder or help you – it will hurt your success and goals, or it will accelerate them. So, in essence, leadership is not about what you think the reality is BUT about perception of others. Let’s quickly dive into mastering this super-power (let’s be honest, it’s not a ‘soft skill’).

Can perception change?

The good news is that you can directly impact the perception of others, and only you can do this.??Sure, they may have biases or blocks that prevent you from going so far, but in essence, you can control and change people’s perceptions.??You can easily work out what you want to change or how you want to come across and instil action to correct this – here are three common and relatable examples:

1. If others have a perception you’re never happy when sitting at your desk and always look too busy to be interrupted, then make an effort, smile, laugh, and go up to others to engage in conversation – but make an effort to do so
2. If perceived as always being too serious in meetings, often making people feel like they’re on edge around you or can’t be themselves (or have done something wrong), then smile more, take the time to engage in casual conversation and ask questions that create a relaxed, psychologically safe place
3. If you’re perceived as rude, or just not approachable, you may always be taking out the same people for coffee, making it look like you have favourites, or perhaps you never say good morning when people want into the office – make an effort, change your behaviour and act differently?

Ask yourself…what can you do to break the cycle???What can you do to have others say, ‘wow something's different about them lately, I like it.’??What would you like that to be?

Do you care about the perception of others?

It may sound like a silly question - do you care about others' perceptions of you? I've come across many that don't care and don't want to change (often, as a coach, I classify these as 'uncoachable').??

Sure, you may say with confidence, 'I don't care what people think of me', but you should care if you're in a position where you're working with others, for a manager or have others working for you (so these pretty much cover everyone!).??I’m not knocking individuality but don’t forget the importance of being liked and likeable and aligning to others values.

So, the real question is, what are you willing to change the perception you have on others?

How do you know the perceptions others have of you?

Discovering the perception others have of you is critical – it’s not ‘what you think they hear you say and do’ as that’s often full of your biases and ideological views of reality.??

Here are a few tips and techniques, some of which you may use but probably not focus on perception:

Ask for feedback.??Often the most obvious, but as with everything, questions matter.??So, the key is to create a psychologically safe place and be specific in what you ask and consistent (everyone, not a selection of people):

• what is it about my behaviour that you like and dislike?
• what is it that you see me do that you like and dislike?
• what is it that you hear me say that you like and dislike?
• what advice would you have for me to do differently?
• what would you like to see me STOP doing, START doing or CHANGE?

Communicate your intentions.??Difficult to do, but if you’re ok with how others perceive you negatively in their view (for a position of authority or a situation), then communicate this and let people understand why – ask for feedback and listen to what they say when you explain.

Remember perceptions change based on time, situation, events and other people’s moods and personal situations, making mastering perceptions difficult.

How to change perceptions

Once you’ve gained specific individual feedback, you can then define which perceptions you want to keep, those you want to work on, and those that aren’t possible for you to change.

From this, you can create an action plan that you can put in place to change perceptions consciously. As you go through your change journey, remember it will be easy to slip into old behaviours. You may even be frustrated with slowing down and focusing on these somewhat meaningless little things, but remember, they have the most significant impact!

One missing ingredient is the ‘how’ you do this. Be authentic, and remember, we can all tell when someone isn’t being natural or comfortable doing something – that awkward nervousness can do more damage than you ever thought possible.

A tip is to keep a diary of changes and how they made you think and feel – reflect on this and, of course, always remember to ask for feedback because situations and environments change, and so do the perceptions.

Leverage a coach

Not exactly a shameless plug, but in a way, it’s what I always see as an essential component of making your perception journey more achievable – without it you introduce bias and excuses.??The value of a independent coach is:

1. A coach can, without emotional bias, find out what people think and feel about you (by asking them in a way they do for feedback that doesn’t come across directly). As a coach, I find that people open up and freely share a lot that they wouldn’t normally tell a direct manager or colleague. This results from how a coach builds rapport, asks questions, creates a safe place for conversations, and is very aware of psychological safety.
2. A coach can help map the perceptions into an easy to use one-page reference – we use a tool we created named a perception map, which use to map your perception of others and their perception of you to agree areas for change then
3. Using a coach as an accountability buddy. A coach can help you hold the course, keep persistent with the change, talk about how and why you feel a certain way and ensure you stick to the journey by being your accountability coach. No excuses for deviation or change from the agreed perception map changes.

Final thoughts

Your goal as a leader or even a successful individual is to minimise the gap between what you think is reality vs what other people see and conclude of you from their point of view.

This can be confronting and difficult, but once mastered and focused on weekly can have immediate results.??

Reach out anytime if you would like to talk about how perception mapping and coaching can help you achieve more – even if it’s a 30-minute presentation with your leadership team or to you as an individual.??We have individual perception programs or those for teams that ensure a journey of self-discovery, team alignment, and accountability.