It's you, not the question(s) you ask

?? Listen here (7 min)

Developing others isn't just about asking the right questions - it's about how you deliver them. Your demeanor and delivery can make or break the impact.

Whether you're a leader developing other leaders, individual contributors, or an HR professional coaching or mentoring others - this is for you. As an ICF-credentialed Executive Coach, it's frustrating to hear the word coaching thrown around as a buzzword, often with the implication that it simply means asking questions (and we all know how much I hate buzzwords!), but true coaching is so much more than that.?

Coaching for maximum impact is rarely taught, largely because it remains an unregulated industry. The ICF (International Coaching Federation) sets the gold standard, and becoming ICF credentialed is a significant undertaking. The use of open-ended questions as a method for development is crucial.?

But questions alone aren't enough. One of the most crucial elements is your demeanor. How you ?present yourself and deliver those questions is just as important, if not more so. It's your delivery that makes the difference between a surface-level conversation and a transformative one. Here are three ways you can adjust your demeanor for more effective conversations.?

1) Watch your judgment?

As humans, there is an extremely natural inclination to label things as "right" or "wrong" - it's how we try to make sense of the world. However, this instinct to judge can close off everything - the conversation, trust, and even the person's willingness to open up again in the future.?

Start by being aware of when you're labeling or judging and try to let go of those thoughts. Instead, focus on simply being in the conversation, with an open mind. Catching yourself when judgment creeps in and consciously releasing it creates a safe space where others feel comfortable sharing their thoughts. In this space, they are more likely to admit uncertainties, explore ideas, and problem-solve.?

Take a moment to reflect on a time when you felt judged by someone. Did it make you want to open up more or less? Now, think about how you would feel if someone created a judgment-free space for you to process out loud and explore solutions. That's the kind of atmosphere you want to create in your conversations.?

2) Don't be attached to outcomes

We often enter conversations with a desired outcome in mind, which clouds our ability to truly listen. When we're too focused on the outcome, we become inflexible and lose the ability to pivot or explore other areas that might arise in the conversation.?

Try to detach from the need for a particular outcome and focus on listening. When you let go of expectations, you allow the conversation to unfold naturally, leading to more meaningful insights and a deeper connection.?

For leaders, especially those who are natural problem-solvers, this approach can feel uncomfortable. It opens up a space where anything can be explored, which can feel unsettling for leaders who are used to structure or feel they need to have all the answers. Here's the reminder: leaders, you don't have to have all the answers. Embracing the unknown can lead to richer conversations and unexpected breakthroughs. ?

I challenge you to become more aware of the outcomes you may be consciously or subconsciously bringing into conversations.?

3) Get comfortable with silence?

Think about a time when someone didn't give you the space to respond or process your thoughts - especially if you're someone who needs to talk things out. When someone dominates the conversation and doesn't allow for silence, how does that feel? Most of us feel rushed, unheard, or dismissed in those moments.?

I once had a boss who would commandeer every conversation - whether it was a 1:1 or a team meeting. I never had the space to talk, think, or share, and it always felt like he was in a rush to get off the phone or out of the meeting. Not only did that make me feel undervalued and unheard, but I never really got to share anything at all. Conversations like those shut people down.?

During my ICF coach credentialing training, I had to learn the art of silence in a very real way. In the oral exam, I was only allowed to speak for 20% of the time - just 6 minutes out of a 30-minute session. In those 6 minutes, I had to hit over half of the 37 'markers.' When I spoke, it had to matter. In fact, silence is so powerful that it's a key component of ICF PCC Marker #7, which focuses on facilitating client insight and learning.?

I'm here to tell you that this skill can be learned. It takes practice, but you can learn it. Now, when I'm coaching leaders, being comfortable with silence and watching them process - without rushing to an outcome - has become one of the most powerful tools I use. It creates space for deeper reflection, better insights, and more meaningful conversations.?

The beauty of silence is that it allows the other person to truly engage with their thoughts, instead of simply reacting. Imagine giving your team that kind of room to think and respond more deeply.?

I challenge you to try this one time in your next conversation. Once you've finished speaking, count to 5 before you say anything again. Sometimes, I even wait longer, especially if there are non-verbal cues that show the person is still processing. You'll be surprised at the insights that emerge when you embrace the silence.?

The next time you're in a conversation, remember that it's not about the questions, it's about the way you deliver them.?

In today’s fast-paced, rapidly evolving business landscape, effective leadership development is non-negotiable. Clients consistently report that their work with Amber results in elevated leadership skills, increased productivity, reduced turnover, and enhanced interpersonal effectiveness. Clients have built and led high-performing teams, fostered self-accountability, and seen less resistance to change initiatives. Many have attained promotions, boosted their confidence, and taken control of their time and energy. Schedule a consultation.