It's Not About You ... or Is It?

As I approach the third anniversary of my marriage to Aria, I wanted to reprise the newsletter I sent shortly afterward, which is still my most popular post in terms of views (over 11,000). I realize that its popularity probably has less to do with my message than the photos of our wedding I added to the post, but that’s ok. It’s not about me. :)

A few things first ……

I put a post on?Facebook?on Thursday with reflections on Sinead O’Connor that has gotten a big response. If you’d like to check it out, you can find it in my posts. Feel free to “friend” me on Facebook while you are at it, and also follow the?Zen@Work Facebook page. I only use FB lightly and intentionally.

I have opened a few spots for one-on-one work in August. My best work is with high-functioning individuals who want to intentionally navigate an inflection or transition in their lives in a way that honors their deepest values and aspirations. If you find yourself wanting to bring your personal, professional and spiritual lives into closer alignment, I can help you. I have spoken recently about the breakthroughs my clients have experienced in the last few weeks (and they continue!).?Sign up for a free 30-minute Discovery session?with me and we can explore how I might help.

Free Discovery Session with Paul

Be well,

• Paul

“It’s Not About You”

"Close the gap between Yourself and yourself."?- Maezumi Roshi

"Don’t take anything personally."?- Shishin Roshi

Personal goals and milestones are important and meaningful. My marriage vows and bond with Aria have given me profound depth and joy that I have never experienced before. (Not to mention an insta-family in the form of her five remarkable kids!) My life has changed in amazing ways that have deepened my experience of truth and love.

These things are joyfully, unutterably true. And …

There is a big difference between taking your personal life truthfully and taking your true life personally.

Zen teaches that our true life is not limited to the collection of experiences, interests, aptitudes and affinities that we normally think of as “Me”.

That’s our personal life: we’re born, we experience, we grow and we eventually pass away. We need to take our personal lives truthfully — feeling our feelings, acting and speaking with integrity, understanding ourselves as deeply as we can — in order to be in full alignment with the Great Reality, our Buddha Nature.

The Great Reality is the Tao, the Way, our Big Self.

Zen is about becoming intimate with our Big Self through the material of our personal lives. Maezumi Roshi expressed it as “closing the gap between Yourself and yourself.”

We can’t close the gap if we don’t have some experience of our Big Selves, and we definitely can’t have an experience of Big Self if we are constantly focused on our small personal selves.

One of the final direct teachings Shishin Roshi gave me after transmitting me as an independent Zen teacher was “Don’t take anything personally.” This is easier to do when on a retreat, when we are all focused on our practice, and we’ve put aside our worldly lives for a time.

But it is much, much more difficult to practice in the every day, in the midst of work and relationships. How do we not take things personally when we are feeling happiness and hurt? How do we do it when we are working on a professional dream, and we feel thwarted or blocked?

How do we not take it personally when everything in our lives is, well …. personal?

The key is to understand where to put your focus, to see where the center of the matter truly lies. When we put our focus on our personal lives at the center, we are easily thrown off-kilter. We get upset, lose our equanimity, and lose capacity to meet others with intimacy and openness.

More deeply, we experience considerable doubt about the purpose of our lives. If it is all about our?personal?happiness, accomplishment and attainment, then why should we care about others? And yet we DO care about others. So right from the beginning we find that putting ourselves at the center does not work.

All ideologies, spiritual teachings and theories of altruism aside,?putting ourselves at the center is simply not in accord with our own experience of ourselves. And that leads to confusion and malaise. Making a marriage vow is a huge step away from the self-centered dream, and helps us “get real” in the best sense.

When we put Big Self at the center, we are unruffled by the small things, as an ocean liner is unaffected by waves that would topple a canoe. Living from Big Self, we feel supported by the universe, as an active participant, even a companion, in our paths.

One of my students related her account of how she came to embark on a new professional project. Years into a successful career as a designer, teacher, and mentor, she was?offered the opportunity to help create an innovative center?for college students in recovery.

She?was intrigued by the proposition?and had a clear vision but for four months wrestled with the decision.?Was this the next step she wanted to take with her life? What kind of a commitment would it involve? Did she have what it took??Where should she start? Who to talk to? What about resources??

Finally, after months of struggle,?a message came to her?while in meditation?that blew through her blockage.?The inner voice said, “It’s not about you.”

Those words were all it took for her to realize that all of her questioning and uncertainty was centered on what SHE was facing and how it was going to affect HER life.

Of course, this is natural, as we are all tranced into believing that we must have all the answers, that we have to do everything ourselves, that we are independent agents of our destiny and we are personally responsible for our conditions and ends.

We are tranced into believing that we SHOULD take everything personally.

After hearing these words, she was able to see very simply what needed to be done to manifest the vision, and, one step at a time, in collaboration with others, she did each thing. Within three months, the Center was open, and for the next?six?years she ran the operation as one of the?founders.?

Over the course of that time the Center served hundreds of students, and?has?saved many lives, becoming a model for similar centers on other campuses in the region and throughout the country.?

If you can take this attitude toward your work, you’ll find happiness, joy and meaning. Tell yourself that your work “is not about you,” and then immediately ask yourself "what is it about?” Perhaps the answer comes right away: it is about a dream of service or manifestation that you truly believe in, something bigger than yourself.

If it does not come right away, then you have located the koan of your Purpose. Living this koan is how you close the gap between Yourself and yourself.

[Originally published August 2020.]

Postscript. August 2023. The person whose experience I shared in the account above ended up leaving the recovery center to co-found an environmental arts center, which she ran for several years. She is now nine months into a personal pilgrimage that has taken her around the country. When you look at your life in the bigger picture, you realize that things are always changing, and you never know what’s going to happen. This gives you great freedom to try new things, always.

Some photos from our wedding, taken by my sister-in-law, Mara Steckling at?Evie Photography. (Thanks, Mara!)