It's Not About You, It's Not About Me, It's About US

It’s Not About You, It’s Not About Me, It’s About US

By Joel Elveson

When a man and a woman date on a regular basis they get to know each other more and more with each date. As time goes on they both begin to feel that they are meant to be together by way of marriage. For the marriage to be successful and harmonious both individuals must come to the realization that although they retain their characteristics that made them fall in love with each other the fact is they now must think in terms as being one. It is no longer a matter of each person living their own lives separately.

After a while cracks may start to erode the foundation of the marriage. In most cases what happens is the bond those two people shared does not seem as strong. The most blatant cause is communication breaking down. Instead of talking to each other inevitably the couple only talks at each other. Before they know everyday stresses turn into arguments that push the couple further away from each other to the point where divorce becomes a sad reality. A reality neither the husband nor the wife could have envisioned when both joined together to form husband and wife.

If the marriage should deteriorate that the decision to divorce is made by either or both party the blame game starts. Each will stand firm on the position they were right and the other person was wrong. In this childish exercise, nobody except for the lawyers win. Had they stopped fighting long enough to listen to each other there would be no need for the painful legal battle that often ensues. If a marital therapist had been infused chances are (if both husband and wife follow the advice of the therapist)the quality of the marriage would improve.

The biggest losers in these situations are the children who need the love of both parents to help them grow into healthy adults. As a coping mechanism children will act out or play one parent against the other. They become increasingly insecure and often feel as if they are the cause of mommy and daddy fighting. All along what they really want is for the family to stay together. In not so rare cases the children wind up in foster care as the stress in the house due to the ever increasing frequency and elevating angry tones of the fights prove too much for them.

Couples that have been together for many years will tell you there is no secret formula that was used to keep a harmonious and loving relationship. If two people really love each other and desire to be together for the duration of their lives they find a way to make it work. Part of that process is knowing what causes the arguments so as to be able to stop them from happening. Sharing your lives together means you commit to making the marriage work. Never forget you love each other while learning to say I love you as often as possible.

Without love, there is nothing that can keep the couple together. How many times has it been said that both husband and wife have this misguided notion that they fell out of love with each other? While anything can happen falling out of love with the person who was supposed to be your life partner is more of an escape mechanism than anything else. How do you suddenly not love one of the most if not the most important person in your life? Perhaps you have so successfully put a wall in between the two of you that you were able to fool yourself into thinking that is what happened.

Marriage is a commitment you made to each other. This commitment means you are still individuals in your own rights with needs, wants, and feelings but you never lose sight of the fact the strength of your marriage depends on the merging of two personalities into one. In many offices, you will see a sign that reads “there is no I in team. Together Everybody Achieves More.” The first letter of each sentence equals the word team. That is how it should be in a marriage. You are there for each other come what may. Recognize and respect that you each have feelings that have to be strongly acknowledged.

The joy you felt on your wedding day should never be forgotten. Though the years have forced changes in your thinking you need to work on making sure these changes are openly discussed. Don’t stop believing in each other. Take hold of each other while looking lovingly into each other’s eyes. It can almost be guaranteed in each other’s eyes you will see each other as you saw them the day you were married.

Going back to an earlier statement couples rarely fall out of love with each other. In the ensuing days and years, you both changed causing you to believe you no longer love each other. Communication (face to face) as previously touched on is what is missing. Was it always like that for the two of you? If you never were able to communicate your feelings in a gentle loving way it seems there was no basis for this relationship other than physical/erotic sessions.

Interracial or interfaith couples have the toughest hurdles to climb in order to stay together. Right from the word go there are obvious differences in culture. Do you both have the resolve to be able the immense pressure you will face from a world that disapproves of your union? If there are the slightest doubts in your minds perhaps despite your love for each other your knot may easily unravel? Only the two of you can answer this question. You need to honestly answer this question before you wind up in a marital combustion chamber.

Twenty-nine years of marriage taught my wife and me many things we never knew about each other. Through the worst of times we fought, we separated only to reunite as that was what was meant to be. We both knew it but there were times we ignored what was so obvious. Here we stand twenty-nine years later having survived crises after crises with enough stress to break any yoke. We vowed never to let anything or anybody come between us again. The Grandchildren add a new chapter in the book of our life.

So not it’s not about you. It’s not about me but it is about us. May your love carry you through all the tests you will have to endure that will make you both stronger. Two living as one can overcome just about any challenge. Trust me when I say you learn a lot about yourself, your partner and your marriage over the course of twenty-nine years. At each anniversary we smile at each other while laughingly saying ‘I put up with you for all these years’. Yes, we just signed up for another 29 years a couple of weeks ago. We don’t know what challenges lay ahead. We just know we will face them together.