It's Not You, It's Me > How to have challenging conversations

In life and at work, there is one sure fire way to not get what you want. It’s to blame and criticize others. By doing so you provoke a defensive response, ensure the other person starts to judge you and instead of focusing on the issue, starts to think about you the person and why you are being so negative and critical. Yet it’s natural in a high pressure situation to feel this way.

There is an equally simple fool proof solution to getting what you want when you are in a conflict situation. It’s not you, it’s me.

Instead of talking about what the other person is doing or not doing right, all you have to do is express how you are feeling. Just sharing your own part of the story will make the other person realise your point, understand it and act on it. they will be open as opposed to being defensive and welcoming of your point instead of defending it.

So how can you do this.

Instead of saying “ You, don’t get it” or “You, don’t understand”, all you have to say is “ I don’t feel heard” or “I feel I am not getting through”. Watch how the other person starts to pay attention.

Instead of telling a spouse “ you don’t give me attention” or “you, don’t spend time with me” or “you, don’t express your love anymore” just say “I feel unloved” or “I feel alone” or “I miss you”. Your feelings will act like a magnet drawing in the other person to you.

Instead of “ why don’t you ever listen” just say “ I feel unheard in this room or meeting” or “may I have the permission to share my views”.

Instead of “ you are impatient” say, “ I don’t get enough time with you to share my thoughts”.

Try this magic technique next time you are in a discussion. Share your feelings and let the other person do the work.

The secret to getting things done. It’s not you. It’s me 

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