It's not you, it's me: The "great" team members

That perfect, amazing team member who just seems like every manager’s dream? You should be worried—very worried.

If, after more than six months, that person seems like a dream come true, take a step back.

What Is a “Great” Team Member?

• Someone who is so easy to manage, they almost need no management.
• Someone who just gets what you want, as if you're in sync.
• Someone who does everything—and more.
• Someone who sees things exactly as you see them.
• Someone who just rolls with things, without asking too many questions (except to clarify your view or preferences).
• Someone who seems to finish your sentences and praises your leadership in team meetings.
• Someone who is always engaged, always satisfied, always “on.”
• Someone who is not confrontational or oppositional.
• Someone who... appeases you.

You get the picture. Seems like every manager’s dream, right? Not so fast.

The problem isn’t with the person; the problem is with us as leaders.

This set of behaviors often emerges when people learn (some of them quite quickly) that they need to please and appease us as leaders to maintain the safety of their integrity. It might not be that we are directly the source of the threat to their safety, they may feel they need to appease us for protection within the organization.

In cases of perceived threat or lack of safety, we have seven reactions. The first three we all know (fight, flight, freeze), but the remaining four—fawn, fine, flood, and faint—are less discussed. See more details at the end of the article.

A great, dreamy, perfect team member might just fawn.

No two people are that compatible. No two adults are that compatible, especially when a power difference exists between them (where one can fire the other).

Why Do People Use Appeasement (Fawn response)?

People engage in appeasement for various reasons:

• Instrumental: They believe that appeasing us as managers will keep their integrity safe.
• Protection: They perceive us, or perhaps other parts of the organization, as a threat to their integrity.
• Habit: They’ve learned from observing peers, the organization, or previous managers that this is what works to keep their integrity safe, so they apply it with us.

Integrity: They want to protect what matters to them from harm.

So, if after six months you have someone who feels like your extension, like your understudy, who seems too aligned, always agreeable, and constantly supportive, consider whether this is an authentic connection or if they’re fawning in response.

You want people to push back on some things. You want them to have their own thoughts, personalities, views and agendas. You want them to see things differently because they look with different eyes. That’s a good sign. It means they feel safe enough to acknowledge and negotiate differences. It means they genuinely want to cooperate and collaborate; otherwise, they wouldn’t bring those things to you. No two people see things the exact same way.

There will always be some appeasing, if the relationship is good. But that appeasing should go both ways. If only one part appeases, that's a big problem.

Understanding Safety Responses: The 7 Fs

In situations where individuals feel unsafe, they may respond with one of the seven Fs:

1. Fight

The instinct to confront the perceived threat head-on. In an organizational setting, this response may manifest as assertiveness or even aggression when employees feel their position, autonomy, integrity or values are at risk.

• Challenging or resisting authority.
• Openly disagreeing with decisions or policies.
• Displaying defensive behavior during meetings or discussions.
• Engaging in conflicts or arguments with colleagues or supervisors.

2. Flight

This response involves withdrawing from the situation to avoid conflict. In the workplace, this can mean physically or emotionally distancing oneself from the threat to their safety or integrity.

• Avoiding meetings or conversations with certain individuals (e.g., supervisors or demanding colleagues).
• Declining to participate in high-stakes projects or initiatives.
• Physically distancing themselves, working remotely, or spending time away from the office.

3. Freeze

The “Freeze” response occurs when an individual becomes immobilized by the perceived threat, unable to respond effectively. In the workplace, employees may feel stuck, overwhelmed, or unable to take action.

• Struggling to make decisions or meet deadlines.
• Procrastination or a drop in productivity.
• Feeling paralyzed when assigned challenging tasks or given feedback.
• Becoming silent in meetings, avoiding eye contact, or seeming disengaged.

4. Fawn

The “Fawn” response is an attempt to placate or please others to avoid conflict or negative outcomes, or to ensure safety or integrity. In the workplace, this manifests as excessive agreeableness, compliance, or trying to gain favor to feel secure.

• Agreeing with everything the managers or coworkers say.
• Taking on excessive workloads or volunteering for tasks to appease.
• Suppressing one’s own ideas or opinions to avoid conflict.
• Seeking validation or approval constantly from peers or managers.

5. Fine

The “Fine” response is a protection behaviour where the employee minimizes or dismisses their own feelings of discomfort or lack of safety. They may insist they’re “fine” even when struggling, in an attempt to appear resilient or unaffected by the threat.

• Repeatedly saying “I’m fine” or “It’s all good” when facing criticism or workload pressure.
• Avoiding discussions about struggles or downplaying concerns.
• Putting on a facade of high performance, resilience and positivity, even when stressed.
• Refusing help or support to maintain the image of being unaffected.

6. Flood

The “Flood” response involves feeling overwhelmed by intense emotions, which can make it difficult to think or act clearly. In a workplace context, this might mean being overcome with anxiety, frustration, or helplessness when facing stressors.

• Experiencing emotional outbursts, such as crying or yelling in the workplace.
• Feeling overwhelmed and unable to focus on tasks, even minor ones.
• Speaking too quickly or excessively during meetings as a way to cope.
• Reacting disproportionately to feedback or minor setbacks.

7. Faint

The “Faint” response, though less common, is a response to extreme stress, where an individual may feel a strong urge to mentally or physically “shut down.” In organizations, this can manifest as extreme fatigue, dissociation, mental disengagement or burnout.

• Zoning out during meetings or tasks, appearing as though they’re “not present.”
• Exhibiting signs of extreme exhaustion, such as dozing off or difficulty staying awake.
• Feeling detached or disconnected from work, as though they’re simply “going through the motions.”
• Burnout