It's a Wonderful LinkedIn

Christmas, 2021...

<LinkedIn User, standing on a bridge, peering over the side into the cold river of account de-activation>

User: "I wish I'd never joined this platform in the first place! I came here for professional networking...but all I see is the same crap I see on Facebook!"

<Enter Clarence, User's guardian angel>

Clarence: "You didn't go through with it, did ya?"

User: "Go through with what?"

Clarence: "De-activating your account. It's against the law where I come from too!"

User: "Where's that?"

Clarence: "Heaven. Also known as Tik-Tok. I know all about you, User. I watched you grow up from a wild-eyed kid with a useless degree into a moderately successful supply chain supervisor who now takes himself way too damn seriously."

User: "So why do you want to save my account??"

Clarence: "Well I'm your guardian angel and saving your account will get me my wings! Ridiculous to think of de-activating your account because of other users showing some personality. You just don't know all that you've done here. If it hadn't been for you..."

User: "It if hadn't been for me commenting and amplifying their content...these influencer types wouldn't have an audience and we could finally talk business again! I wish I never signed up for LinkedIn in the first place!"

Clarence: "Alright, you've got your wish. You never signed up for LinkedIn. You have no cares, no one to report, no one to block and no one to lecture."

User: "What? Well...OK, I could use a good stiff drink. How bout you, angel? Let's go to that digital happy hour I saw posted yesterday."

Clarence: "There are no digital happy hours, remember? Just more posts about why employee engagement leads to a 13% increase in Q4 ROI."

User: "Well why does it only have one comment? Why does every post only have one comment?"

Clarence: "Because you weren't here to type in all caps, "THIS ISN'T FACEBOOK!, getting the attention of other middle-aged men who supported your comment!"

User: "Well...I need to find a way to still grow my network, right? I can pop on as a guest and type a long-winded rant about why the person in this video doesn't know the first thing about economics. That always gets me plenty of new connections!"

Clarence: "We can't do that!"

User: "Well why the hell not?"

Clarence: "Because there is no video anymore! Just soul-killing paragraphs of text with zero engagement that have the personality of a grandfather clock."

User: "OK I get the picture! We need to do something about this!"

Clarence: "We can't do that, User. There are no spirited discussions anymore without your constant chiming in about things you know very little about."

User: "No! Without spirited discussion, no one gets to hear my opinion! I have to suddenly talk to my wife about these things instead! What about the CEO influencers? I can still deride the way they run their companies, right? What about the Spanx lady?"

Clarence: "I'm sorry User...but Sara Blakely is across town and doesn't pay any mind to you at all. Strange, isn't it? Each man's profile insults so many other profiles...and when he isn't around he leaves an awful hole in toxic discourse, doesn't he? You see User, you had a wonderful LinkedIn. It's a real shame to throw it all away, isn't it?"

User: "Well where's the woman who does nothing but dance for 8 seconds...tell me what happened to the woman who does nothing but dance for 8 seconds??"

Clarence: "I don't think you want to know that..."

User: "Tell me! Tell me dammit!"

Clarence: "She's an old livestream host now with three viewers per week. Never married her video creation content with an actual business strategy."

User: "Clarence! Help me Clarence! Get me back! Please, get me back! I want to comment again! Please God, I want to comment again!"

<User wakes up on snow covered-bridge>

User: "Wait...I'm back! Yaayyy!!! Merry Christmas!!! Merry Christmas you vapid influencers!!! Merry Christmas you Hi Dear creeps!! Gary Vee, my little gingersnap, how do you feel??? DEI activist, are you real? You have no idea what happened to me!"

<Next day on LinkedIn>

Influencer: "To the LinkedIn User, the richest man I know in the field of self-proclaimed macroeconomics knowledge."

Dancing Woman: "Mr. User, they say that whenever you derisively comment on my video, we'll ring a bell, and an angel will get their wings. Is that true?"

User: "That's right! That's right..."

________________________________________________________________________

Geoff Woliner, CEO of Winning Wit, is a?speaker?&?author?who helps organizations?de-stress through comedy.

If your colleagues have been super-stressed over the past few years and need a few laughs at your next conference, holiday party, team-building pow-wow or trip to Mickey D's...

...go to a medium and channel the spirit of Rodney Dangerfield.

But if he's busy, let's chat.

[email protected]