It's Not What You Say, It's The Way That You Say It...

This principle is true of almost every situation but if you manage people it is vital that you learn the underlying principles of this - if you want to create a team of people who respect you as their manager. Modelling good behaviour is also a great way of teaching your team to be mindful of their behaviour too.

I hear you say “that’s obvious!” Yet so often huge difficulties are created because people say things in a way or at a time which makes others feel worthless or resentful. Really powerful messages lose their impact because the recipient focuses on the bad delivery rather than on the real issue. 

You can say really difficult things and still maintain a positive relationship with your staff. When your team understand that you have their best interests at heart and everyone is keen to develop and grow constructive feedback is welcomed by all. The culture you create within your team, department or organization will make a significant difference to the way people will respond to your feedback. 

Think about the times when you have been upset by something someone has said to you. On reflection how often was it the words they used - the essence of what was meant or the tone of voice or delivery which triggered your response?

think about the times others have had to deliver a difficult message to you. What approach was helpful? What made you feel bad? As a Manager, you have the opportunity to make a positive difference to each individual in your team and through them to everyone they deal with. 

There are a few simple principles. If these are followed it can save an enormous amount of difficulty for you and for the person on the receiving end.

1) Always treat people with respect. Whatever they have done or failed to do treating them as if they are idiots will get you nowhere in the long run.

2) Create a good rapport with the individuals in your team. When you need to give hard messages you will find the time taken to create a good rapport and to develop a mutual sense of trust really pays huge dividends.

3) Public humiliation is never appropriate however tempting it may be. You make an enemy for life, you are seen as a bully and your reputation will be damaged far more than you realize.

4) Consider why you are so angry, irritated, let down. The intensity of our own emotion is often more about us, than it is about the particular incident we are dealing with. If you have a difficult message to deliver remember to focus on the learning you want to come out of it rather than how bad it has made you look. 

5) Never fight fire with fire. If you are angry or upset it is much better to walk away and deal with it once you are in full control of yourself. Managing your own emotional state FIRST is vital.

6) Plan what you want to say and why. Things said on the hoof often leave you with even greater problems for later. The more significant the issue the greater the need to plan.

7) Choose an appropriate place and time – balling someone out in the corridor is inappropriate.

As so many people are now working from home managing the challenging conversations have an even greater capacity to destroy rather than build relationships. There are several new issues to consider.

They may have children or partners in the same room. Having an audience can be challenging for all sorts of reasons. You may not have their full attention so your tone of voice takes on even greater significance and it is easier for words to be misinterpreted.

If they are living on their own you need to consider how the conversation is likely to land. Be mindful of the impact of the conversation on someone who is already stressed by working at home and spending long days by themself.

It is more challenging to read the reaction of the other person when you are talking over the phone, via Skype, Zoom or Team Builder etc. Listening actively and tuning into not only the words but the silences is vital.

8) Consider the tone of voice you use. Shouting, being dictatorial, nagging all have a negative impact on the listener. Negative voices often bring up past issues and carry a punch with is disproportionate to the current event.  

9) Challenge the unwanted behaviour rather than the person themselves. 

10) Never burn your bridges – it is a long walk around. Always look for a way forward. Involve the other person in creating a win-win solution where ever possible.

If after reading the above you feel you're still saying things in the wrong manner, then maybe I might be able to help you. It'd be lovely to chat for a few minutes if you have the time - my contact details are in my LinkedIn bio.

Gina x