It's Not What Happens To You

For a number of reasons, I've been spending a good bit of time focusing on what I am happy with in my life and what I think I would like to work on

They are both long lists

What I continue to arrive at is the power of recognizing that everything is a choice

Even this recognition is a choice

As I reflect on my choices, I find myself reinforcing the idea that my most important choice might be how I choose to respond to the people and circumstances that show up in my life

As I practice my routines around self awareness, self reflection, mental and physical wellness and overall sanity and happiness, making choices is empowering

My most pressing example of this has been coming out the other side of a highly contentious divorce years ago

My ex went out of her way to try and destroy me. She went so far as hurting our kids to hurt me. Real mean stuff

I was faced, not only with the anger that came with her hurting me, but the far more disturbing anger that came from hurting our kids.

To this day she is estranged from her kids (no contact of any kind at any time). I am pained for my kids about that on one hand, but I also know it's best for them. Without significant therapy she is unable to be good for them. And since everything is someone or something else's fault, she doesn't need therapy:)

I filed in 2002 and signed final sole custody and child support papers as my own attorney (pro se. I am not an attorney) in 2011

7 different judges, 6 different attorneys for her (eventually she fired them or they quit), over $30,000 making copies, 3 falsified domestic violence injunctions (no consequences when proven false) and just countless repetition of emotional abuses showered over my kids

I literally lost everything materially. Millions. But I maintained strong loving relationships with my three kids and they are now all making the world a better place

It wasn't until I chose to be grateful to her for my 3 wonderful children and chose to accept that she simply did the best she could with a bad hand (really shitty childhood), that I was able to rid myself of all my anger toward her

This took years, but as some will tell you, being angry at someone is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die

The benefit of this choice has been life changing for me and my kids

I share the story to emphasize that this isn't a theory of mine. Making choices about really hard things can be life changing. Life affirming

The energy and space that this choice has freed up for me is indescribable

Being angry is a choice

Forgiving is a choice

The other overriding feeling that bubbles up for me is how little control I have over most things in my life

If it's true that we have very little control over most things in our lives, it must logically follow that the choices we make are very important to the quality of our lives

And if that is also true, then the choices we make in response to what and who happen to us is the whole enchilada

Do I choose to respond with judgement or discernment?

Anger or empathy?

Compassion or disdain?

Emotion or reflection?

Presumption or investigation?

Contextually or myopically?

Blame or consideration?

The power of taking responsibility for your choices is comforting

How I choose to respond is entirely up to me. It might be the only thing in my life that is entirely up to me

Think about that

If I continue to develop my "how I respond muscle", I can see how clear and happy my life can be

It's no longer about anyone or anything else

It's me. From within

My future becomes about how I respond to the world

It's no longer about the bad things or bad people that might enter my life

There will be plenty of those. Life is not fair. Bad things will happen and bad people exist

I can choose to identify them and minimize my time spent with them and in them...and then I can choose how to respond to them

As all of you have, I have had my experiences with anger and resentment

I've worked hard on recognizing them and responding to them quickly with reflection, context, gratitude and choice

The extent to which I attempt to blame other people or things in my life seems always to coincide with the level of misery in my life

When I am able to recognize and redirect my blame to choice and personal responsibility, my misery craters and gets replaced by joy and hope

It's pretty magical...and simple

I don't mean to suggest that this mindset shift is easy. It's not

But it's possible. I know it is because I've done it

The work isn't over. It will never be over But I have my arms around it. It's familiar. I can tap that well with ease

With choice

How my life turns out is up to me

It's never about what happens to you

Never has been

My colleague and friend Jim Gurulé and I have a podcast called The Imperfect Men's Club where we shoot the shit of middle aged men and try to ponder questions about life for such men (for all men and most people).

I write this newsletter monthly (try to) so it is in line with an episode of the podcast that we publish around the same time (within a week or so).

The episode that coincides with this newsletter is "It's Not What happens To You" published a few days before this. You can listen on

Apple - https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/its-not-what-happens-to-you/id1570987829?i=1000655192878

Spotify - https://open.spotify.com/show/6Cm0VGNpEBD3T76FXzoj0Z

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THANKS!

Mark & Jim