It’s not too late to Love

Saxa is a close work associate. I don't know her that well personally, and am only just aware of what’s happening in her life. Her brother came out recently. In her family this was a huge moment of anxiety, despair, hopelessness. The family began questioning their value system and upbringing. It was easy to blame the internet, Netflix, and other social media and maybe even his friends. 

Saxa acknowledged the courage it must have taken for him to come out. All of 23 herself, she came under scrutiny from her parents and her extended family. While there wasn’t much they could do about her brother, her choices were constantly questioned. Saxa on her part tried the best that she could, sending them reading material that didn't look at sexual orientation or preference as a disease or something that can be fixed. She wanted to explore questions of spirituality with her family and how this was an opportunity for them to understand each other better. But the more she tried to reach out to her family, the more they shut her out. 

I ran into Saxa at the supermarket last weekend and she looked like she was going through a tough time. It was the first time that she let me in on all this. Actually no, it was the first time that I took time to ask her what was happening. I had seen her waning the last few weeks and thought it was a phase. Asking her out for coffee at the supermarket seemed like the most natural thing to do. It turned into brunch and we spent around 3 hours talking to each other. I realised this was something that she was struggling with and I put her in touch with a friend of mine who specialises in working with families of the LGBTQ community. It has been only a couple of days since then, but Saxa is feeling better. Her recent text to me requesting for some time off and thanking me makes me feel good about the kind of organisation that I run. But yes, this came a tad late, I should’ve noticed earlier. 

We all struggle to balance our professional life with our life at home. We are professionals, and we have families. Our lives are messy, they are emotional, they are at times all over the place. And that’s fine. Employment or life isn’t contingent on a person being their best selves all the time. 

Personally I work doubly hard when I know the boys are doing well at school or they are acing their favourite group activity. I work with renewed energy and creativity when I have had time to connect with my spouse over a post dinner glass of wine during our ski vacation. And though I pride myself on being a thorough professional - meaning doing my best, even if I am not feeling my best - it's not easy. If my mom hasn’t answered her phone by the time I call the third time, it plays on my mind. I check my phone for her message. I am sure we all do this. We are all human and we bring all this humanity with us to work too. I don't ask Saxa to check out her emotions at the door. She’s probably spent the whole night fussing over her life and spent it sleepless. What she needs at work is someone to listen to her - not necessarily to solve the issue, but just a friend who understands.

Why am I writing about this? It’s Valentine’s day! People all over the world are celebrating their love and their partners. I think extending the same kind of love, affection and thought to the people that you work with is of as much importance. 

What can you do in your daily work lives that adds to the other’s sense of self worth? 

1. Reinforce consistently what they do well. Appreciate and respect them openly for it. It’s great to tell your colleague that life without them would be tough for you. Mean it. Very rarely are people blessed with peers who are as driven or not as them. 
2. Respect what they bring to the table. Saxa is young, and not very diligent, but she connects with my clients and gives me insights that I otherwise wouldn’t have had. It makes me sensitive to those unspoken issues and that enriched my conversations with them. 
3. Don’t grudge them time off. People need time off to show the people that they care for that they care. I take time off to spend more time at home or with the boys or with my mom. I need that time to tell them that I am here and I love them. I am sure all of us do that. So when your team asks you for time off , don’t judge them. 

This piece isn’t what I usually write about. But it comes from introspection and deep reflection. I think this Valentine’s shower some self love on yourself too. Instead of buying yourself stuff, why don't you take a pen to paper and write about everything that you’ve been feeling of recent. Trust me, loving yourself makes you a better person to be around and doesn’t hold you back from showing your feelings to others. 

So there, Happy Valentine’s!