It's Not About the Tomato

Six nights out of the week, my wife cooks our meals. On Fridays, I supply dinner. The other night, I brought home chicken sandwiches. My wife and I both like them with ketchup and mayonnaise, but only I like a slice of tomato. The thing is that this restaurant typically gets special orders incorrect, so being proactive I ordered both sandwiches the same - ketchup, mayo, tomato - less likely they would mess it up. And it's easy to peel off that tomato from one sandwich, and add to another. We both get what we want!

Fast forward to telling my wife that her sandwich had a tomato. She was mad. Over a tomato. My well-laid out plan was flat-out rejected. How dare I order a sandwich with tomato! I was selfish to order my way only, and ultimately my reasoning was perceived as gas-lighting.

Wait. What!? Is she serious? Gas-lighting?? Yeah ... she was mad. Then I got mad, and that's typically not a good place for couples. We've been at this marriage thing for 16+ years, so we've picked up some tips and tricks along the way. Best not to be in the same room, we thought. She quietly took her sandwich to the bedroom, and I took mine to the den. Eventually my thoughts shifted from "I was trying to help!" and "it's stupid to argue about a tomato!" to the realization that, "Oh. It's not about the tomato."

I walked to the bedroom and sat down beside my wife. After a few minutes, she showed me a video from Twitter and we talked about the value of human life and decency. We told each other stories from our day, dreams from the night before, plans for tomorrow. This is normal for us; it's part of our evening routine. The one thing we didn't talk about was the tomato. We gave each other space.

The next day there was this simple text exchange:

While eating our BBQ lunch (sans tomatoes), we finally talked about the incident. As I suspected, it wasn't about the tomato. I won't share details, because that's not my story to tell; but suffice to say there was a lot of stressful situations going on and that damn tomato was the straw that broke the camel's back.

I would venture to say that most people have been in a similar situation. At home, maybe at work, even while out running errands and interacting with the public. All of us carry stress, many of us carry trauma, and some of us are at or over capacity.

As a HR Professional, I see these situations daily. The employee who blows up because their co-worker moved something on their desk, is the same person who is dealing with the loss of a loved one, potential homelessness, and being a single parent. The boss who never gets around to fulfilling commitments, is the same person going through a tumultuous divorce. The co-worker who won't cooperate and slams your ideas, is the same person battling PTSD.

"Caring for others is an expression of what it means to be fully human." - Hillary Clinton

The truth is we don't know exactly what is going on in other's lives, but we do have the ability to extend kindness, patience, and forgiveness. The next time you find yourself reacting to someone else's pain, instead choose one or more of these responses:

• Use kind words to show empathy and/or sympathy.
• Look for opportunities to meet their needs.
• Sit with them in their grief, anger, and sadness.
• Take an interest in the person and their stories.
• Ask for - and extend - forgiveness.
• Remember, it's not really about the tomato.

That Friday night dinner argument was hard, but I remain grateful for the tomato. It opened up some conversation and provided some insight on how my wife and I can best support each other. Relationships are work, and no one person can do it alone. Whether it is a spouse, a co-worker, a stranger - humans need each other. Will you take the challenge of caring? After all, "caring for others is an expression of what it really means to be fully human."