It's time we look after mothers...

Mothers are forever battling with decision fatigue, worry and the most useless but damaging feeling of them all - Mum guilt. We are forever questioning our own decisions, receiving unsolicited advice from people and being asked questions about how our baby sleeps and feeds.

With both of my children, there have been many hard decisions. All of which have triggered Mum guilt and left me second guessing myself. Those decisions include the way my children are fed and the timeframe of my return to work post birth. By the standards of mainstream society, those decisions weren't "right" but they were right for me, my family and my health.

So, with that background, let me walk you through a scenario...

Imagine the feeling of a mother who wakes during the night to a distressed baby. They try everything but the baby won't settle. The baby is crying and hot. Something is wrong. They get changed into whatever they can find in their wardrobe, bundle up the baby and arrive at the doorstep of the emergency department at a nearby hospital at 2.00am. It's dark and cold. Taken inside and seen quickly, they are concerned but know they are in the right place. Going to hospital is not a decision they second guess.

The place is buzzing and beeping. There are more questions being asked than answers being offered. Time passes. The hours go by. The sun starts to rise. There is a shift change and they can hear nurses whispering about their child and what is going on.

Feeling weary and surviving on adrenalin, the mother starts thinking about where she might get something to eat. She's feeling depleted, exhausted and emotional. A headache is setting in and her stomach is grumbling. There's no sign of food and she can't leave her little, unwell baby unattended.

She receives the news that they are admitting her baby to the paediatric ward. Bub is too unwell to go home. There is a high risk of the illness escalating quickly, particularly because the baby is not yet 3 months old. Another challenge but one she will take moment by moment and overcome. Mothers do hard things.

Mother and baby arrive on the ward, and the mother tells the story of why they are at the hospital for what feels like the 100th time. It's been over 12 hours since they arrived. Still no sign of food. The mother plucks up the courage to make some enquiries. And that's when the guilt kicks in again.

"Sorry, only breastfeeding mothers get meals provided. There's a vending machine outside."

Sorry, what?! Breastfeeding mothers only? Sure, breastfeeding takes a lot of energy but surely the mothers who aren't breastfeeding (for whatever reason - the reason/s are irrelevant really) are humans that need food too? After all, how are they supposed to support their little one if they are functioning on empty?

"Sorry, it's a decision made at an executive level. It's just policy."

This was my experience at a Queensland Government hospital this week. Initially denied any food during a long and emotional stay in hospital due to a very personal decision to cease breastfeeding.

My decision to stop breastfeeding is a decision that has already significantly pulled on my heart strings and caused me immense guilt. Nevertheless, it was a decision that I made to ensure my child got what she needed and was fed properly. As a consequence (and as if I wasn't feeling guilty enough), I was left to fend for myself at a time of high stress, emotion and sheer exhaustion. I argued the point and was subsequently "approved" for a meal (but not a can of lemonade...go figure?!) but only for our first day in hospital. If we stayed overnight (which we did), new approval would need to be obtained from the head of nursing the next day. And let me tell you, the second approval didn't come easy.

On our second day, I was required to raise the issue of whether or not I was able to get a meal with the nurse who was on duty. That nurse had not been on duty the day prior. I was told that she did not have the power to "approve" a meal for me and that she would need to take it to the boss as feeding me was "not in the budget". Once again, I received approval but was made to feel like a second class citizen in the process.

I relayed this story to a friend of mine who also has a little baby. She explained to me that if she was in my situation, she would not have had the courage to raise the issue with the hospital. She thanked me for raising it in the hope that this absurd policy can be reviewed and that all parents, regardless of their gender or breastfeeding status, can receive food at a time where they are under immense stress, unable to leave their child and frankly, at high risk of breakdown.

It's 2023 in Australia. Why are we still shaming mothers over their decision on how they choose to feed their child? Shaming to the point of denying them essentials which are required to enable them to show up for their unwell child. It's not good enough. In fact, it's disgraceful. And it's left me with more questions than answers.

I'm seriously concerned for those parents who, for whatever reason, haven't or don't press this point when in the same situation that I was in over the last few days. Those parents are left with both the immense feeling of guilt as well as a lack of nutrition. They are forced to rely on the free biscuits or friends/family to deliver them much needed food which isn't always possible in the middle of the night or outside of visiting hours.

At a time where this country is already dealing with a mental health crisis, shaming mothers and denying them basic rights is not OK. It's time to look after the mothers.