It’s time to stop saying sorry.

It’s time to stop apologising for things which you are not actually sorry for. It’s time to start saying what you mean and meaning what you say. 

I got an email yesterday that was only 4 or 5 sentences long. One of those sentences was an apology for writing such a long message! In my perspective you should either write as long as you want because there is a good reason to do so, or just delete the excess if you think you have written too much and save yourself having to write a meaningless apology.

Another business contact of mine sent an apology email that was 871 words – that was sent to me as part of a group, in which as far as I was aware, they have done nothing wrong! That broke all the rules of good email communication and invoked the #TLDR from another colleague. Is that what you want? Your apology to considered not worth reading?

A very typical addition to emails these days is “sorry for the delayed response”. Nowhere is this more heavily used than in South Korea where I currently work. The business culture here is very demanding in respect to customer service and one of the most highly prized qualities of service is speed. This means that messages not responded to within a couple of hours or replies not sent directly after reading are coupled with an apology for the late reply. It is summarised rather comically here:

Perhaps in this digitally connected environment, we need more than ever to prioritise effectively. Whilst some emails and communications need immediate attention, others should be carefully identified to be dealt with later. To achieve this might require a short response to explain exactly that. For example, thank you for your email / request / reply / query we will come back to you with a proper answer within the next 48hrs / week / month. This will ensure the other side has appropriate expectations for the next step.

Some categorise over-apologising as a British disease. The famous Twitter account @SoVeryBritish summarises rather nicely here: 

Although, I am British myself, I make no apologies for it! There are of course many situations where saying sorry is both appropriate and necessary. For example, if you have done something wrong, offended someone or simply done something that you didn’t necessarily mean to do. These are all occasions that an apology will (or should) make things better and smooth relations.

However, the apology before anything has been said, or the apology for what you are about to say or do is rather absurd. Rather say exactly what you intend and stand by it or don’t say it at all. 

An apology for politeness in certain circumstances is quite justified, if you are interfering with someone for a reason which only applies to you, then apologising for the interruption should not be considered superfluous.

But let’s get away from the habit of continuously apologising, if only to improve your personal effectiveness. To apologise is to immediately lower your value or status, to indicate that your time, idea, proposal, thoughts or suggestion is not worthy of the recipient’s audience.

You can’t please everyone and nor should you try. To try to please everyone will in most cases lead to mediocrity in everything. As we extend our service to all customer categories we are at risk of losing the ability to be the best at any one of them. As we try to be friends with everyone, we potentially lessen our capacity to value any one of those individual friendships.

If you find yourself contacting people who you do not know, by all means ask them for a convenient time to have a meeting or the best time to call them but do not start by saying sorry. If your request is reasonable and not excessive then do not elicit pity from people, instead play to their good nature. They will decide whether to help you or not and will tell you accordingly. If someone helps you based on pity they will probably be trying to get rid of you as soon as possible, whereas someone helping you out respectfully is more likely to continue to do so.

Let's also remember that saying sorry when you truly mean is really powerful. A heartfelt apology often takes a lot of courage, to admit mistakes, to own up, to take responsibility for your actions. Therefore, USE SPARINGLY!

Just like the old tale of the 'Boy who cried wolf' if you constantly apologise and say sorry then people around you will no longer interpret that as a true apology. When the time comes to require forgiveness it will be much harder to elicit. Imagine the person in your team or wherever who is always saying sorry for this and sorry for that. My guess is that the impact of them saying sorry is not received by the listener with the same gravitas as someone who only says sorry under serious circumstances.

In summary:

• Say what you mean, mean what you say
• Maintain your sense of value
• Prioritise communication carefully, manage expectations
• Don't try to please everyone
• Appeal to people's good nature, instead of getting pity
• Keep apologies for when you truly need forgiveness

I hope you like this article and the discussion it raises, feel free to share it, like it, comment on it or whatever you want. It would be interesting to hear other cultural perspectives on saying sorry and its application in the workplace. Let me know if you feel the same way!

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