It's time to start looking at connection.

The other night, as I was about to go to bed, I put my phone to charge like I do every night. I plugged my charging cable into my phone but it didn't start charging. Something wasn't right with the connection. I've been here before, so I know exactly what I need to do. I flipped the charger and plugged it in the other way round, I wiggled it about, bending wire and metal in a contortionist-like dance until my screen finally lights up - I've found the position where the cable still works. I'm cautious not to move my phone or wire from that position the rest of the night, where the connection's just right. Chances are I do the same dance tomorrow night, and every night until I eventually bend and twist the charger cable to its demise.

That charging cable is made up of many many tiny connections, a myriad of copper and aluminum, put together in a precise way that allows it to work in the way it was meant to. But somewhere along the way, whether by wear and tear, improper care, or maybe just the the environment, has compromised some of those little connections inside that cable - little connections that might seem insignificant on their own, but after enough of them are damaged, eventually inhibit its ability to work the way it was meant to.

Here's why I don't think we're all that different.

The Many Little Connections Within Us

Connection is defined as a relationship in which a thing, person, or idea is linked or associated with something else. So allow me to try and connect you with this idea. We're beings that need connection to thrive, and just like the charger, we're made up of countless little connections, between us, things, other people, ideas, that help us function the way we were meant to. While these connections look like wires to charger, they look a little different to us. They might look like:

• how connected we are to the people around us,
• how connected we are to our emotions and how we live with them,
• how connected are we to our values and how we want to bring them to the world,
• how connected I am to someone else's emotions and how I need to be with them,
• how connected I am to my customers and what they want,
• how connected I am to my teammates and how I need to be to run well as a team,
• how connected does a guitarist feel to his fingers - or his fingers to the strings,
• how connected am I to my understanding of how I interact with the world,

...and the list goes on. Whatever they might look like to you, we're made up of countless little connections that make us... well, us. Countless connections to ourselves, to others, and to the things around us. This is the "connection" that I'm referring to.

Some of them might seem obvious, some might not, but take some time to imagine anyone of those examples in the state of disconnect and it doesn't take long to see how a severed connection can cause a breakdown in that domain of our lives.

The 'Bend and Twist'

Now, I'm not suggesting that we cut open our phone chargers and attempt to repair every single damaged wire, we'd of course just go get a new one, so perhaps this is where the analogy stops short of. However, where the analogy might remain true is that the method of always bending and twisting to temporarily "fix" those disconnections only ends in one way - a frayed wire. Unfortunately for us, we don't get to run down to the shops and get a brand new self.

How many of us find ourselves bending and twisting around disconnections we face. We "get over it", we tell ourselves we'll learn to live with it, we ignore it - however we need to alter ourselves to find a spot where everything feels right (or should I say, fine), at least for a while. That works until it doesn't, then it's time to bend and twist once again.

I can't even begin to count the number of times I felt disconnected to myself and those around me, and how I tried to bend and twist my way out of feeling that way. The conversations were too hard and inconvenient to have. I was too busy to deal with it right now. It was so much easier to just bend and twist my life until those disconnections weren't an issue. The worst part was that it worked, not knowing that with each bend I was getting closer and closer to being the human equivalent of a frayed iPhone cable. Above all, the biggest lie I told myself was that I'd come back and work on fixing them when I had the time.

How many of us continuously bend and twist because it's easier, more convenient, or because we don't have the time to deal with it at the moment? How many of us tell ourselves we'll work on it when we've got more time - or more realistically, when it's too late.

But if bending and twisting isn't the long term solution to disconnection, what is? How do we get connected or work on disconnections? I think we might already know how.

We already know how to reconnect

I would like to believe that we all know how to get reconnected, or get connected when we're not. We might not know exactly what to do just yet, but we definitely know what it takes.

If you don't believe me, take a look at our relationship with Wi-Fi connection (this is the last analogy, I promise), when we lose it unexpectedly, everything stops. It's a mini catastrophe, so we do and try everything and anything to get it back as soon as possible. We often don't even wait till connection is lost entirely: like when we're in a zoom call and our connection is unstable, we immediately alert others to it. We tell them "bear with me, I'm trying to get it sorted out". We try turning our camera's off, to take the load off our existing weak connection, to hold on to the connection that's the most important at the moment. We try everything in our power to resolve it before we continue.

We already know exactly what it takes to reconnect and stay connected. It just gets a lot harder when it's to do with connection that isn't as trivial as Wi-Fi or a charging cable. Working on connection is hard, uncomfortable, confronting. It takes vulnerability, humility, and genuine desire to repair. It's all these things and more, but it's definitely not impossible. As our relationship with WiFi might suggest, we already know how.

We do and try everything and anything to get it back

There's no putting it off till later. No bending and twisting to buy ourselves time. Recognize that experiencing disconnection is worth your immediate time and effort to find that connection once again. If there was one message I am trying to get across with this article, it's that the "bend and twist" ultimately leads to the demise of the connection altogether. Try to get the connection back, instead of trying to dance around the disconnection.

"Bear with me, I'm trying to get it sorted out"

We communicate. We don't wait till we've completely lost connection and have others wondering what happened, we let people know what we're dealing with. Sometimes we're afraid or ashamed to tell people that we're experiencing disconnection, and as a result we try go it alone. We need to communicate to get support. Support in either working on those connections together, or to be supported in having the time to work on some connections of your own.

We take the load off our existing weak connection

Sticking with the trend of technology analogies, and tapping into my limited knowledge of all things tech, I believe the term is bandwidth. What I'm trying to refer to is our capacity to physically, emotionally, and mentally deal with any given situation. When we're having connection troubles, sometimes we need to reduce the load in order not to risk further disconnection. Trying to maintain connections, repair disconnections, and foster new connections all take energy, and they each take available bandwidth away from the others. While we all might have different capacities, we simply don't have the energy to keep fighting a connection war on all fronts. Don't allow yourself to get to the point where weak connection becomes complete disconnection because you didn't have the bandwidth to hold on. Recognize when you need to temporarily drop other activities, to focus your energy on the connection that matters the most at the moment.

This eventually comes back to the need to communicate our disconnection with those around us, to get support in lightening the load for a while - at least until we can regain a stable connection.

It's time to start looking at connection

It's time to start looking at connection, how we maintain it, foster, and especially how we treat our disconnections. Without being aware and deliberate with how we treat our connections, we're destined to bend and twist our way to more disconnection. Remember, if you ever find yourself starting to experience connectivity issues, we already know how to deal with it them.