It’s Time to Start Apologizing
by Evelyn Nam, Assistant Editor
I am South Korean. Our culture is marked by three echoes that underlie our interactions with each other:
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“Thank you. I’m sorry. I love you.”
We say thank you because we believe that there is much to be grateful for. We say I’m sorry because we can always do better and be better therefore it is our duty to find, in every situation, our faults and our own wrongdoings. And we say I love you because we, the small community that went through imperialistic colonization, unwanted wars, and much foreign intervention, must look out for each other. Even in tough times, I was raised to empathize with others and to try to see the good in people.
A renowned poet and essayist in Korea, Jung Min Cho, says in his poem, "Human Is Gift," that those three echoes “cause miracles,” but when we don’t use them, they “become difficult and uncomfortable to use.”
When I moved to the U.S. as a young adult, I heard a different perspective. “Stop apologizing,” my peers and professors said to me. “As women, we’re socialized to reflexively apologize from a young age, sometimes simply for taking up space. It’s a habit that needs to change.”
I understood what they were saying: As women, we shouldn’t have to apologize for existing — in any space — but at the same time, I wondered: Is the apology really the problem? Has saying sorry ever hurt someone, made someone feel excluded, or destroyed a community or relationship?
While the topic is culturally nuanced, I do believe that having the courage and compassion to make a genuine apology is a distinctly noble quality, no matter your gender. Can you not think of time when you wished someone would just say sorry? Have you experienced the healing an honest apology can bring? Apologizing is a complex and remarkable ability, one that requires deep reflection, self-awareness, empathy, and courage. Aren’t all those things we wish we saw more in the world today??
Now, when I’m shut down for saying sorry, specifically for saying sorry because I’m a woman, I respond: “I don’t see my ability to apologize as a weakness. I think the world might be a kinder place if people learned from us — the women who are brave and skilled enough to say sorry.”
I ask you to consider this point of view. Maybe it’s time more of us start apologizing — for the big and the little things — so there can be less heartache, more reconciliation, and quicker restoration. When you have to cancel last minute on a friend, say sorry so they know you care about and consider their time. When you talk over someone in a meeting, say sorry so they know you value their words and ideas. When you hurt someone’s feelings, even unintentionally, say sorry, because speaking the truth can help them understand where you’re coming from. You can both gain closure and move on.
Kindness and compassion are not things to be ashamed of. I challenge us all to show more of them to ourselves, and to each other. The world will be better for it.
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Transformational Coach | Helping Woman Cultivate Inner Safety & Self-Trust
1 年Similar to ho'o'ponopono !
Constituents Engagement, Leadership Collaborations & Operations
1 年I think the keywords here is “genuine apology”. I have heard many insincere apology without self reflection. It’s meaningless and doesn’t help with building relationships personally or professionally.
I agree with this. I’ve been in the US for over a decade and I still disagree with the “don’t apologize” feedback I always get from American men. Apologizing is considered a sign of weakness in this culture, when everywhere else is a sign of basic respect. Thank you for writing this article.
Values-driven HR Leader |Transformation | Change Management Specialist | Culture Expert | Developing high performing teams |DE&I & Mental Health Advocate | Generative AI | Organisational Development
1 年Not everyone is courageous enough to apologise. It’s a sad situation. Only the brave, courageous & confident ones can do so without any hesitation, ego & pride ??