It's time to put on make up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on the… Cabinet tonight

Is it just me, or does there come a point in the summer hols when we all start to discuss great, as yet unmade, muppet film adaptations? I‘m pretty confident that there will be many who firmly believe that neither Muppet Treasure Island nor Muppet Christmas Carol can be surpassed, but I’m damn sure that they would be blown away, probably literally, by Muppet Reservoir Dogs. For me, I would give good money to see Muppet Apocalypse Now, with Kermit as Colonel Kurtz, moodily backlit, almost certainly in a swamp, muttering about the horror…the horror.

Which brings me neatly to the current Cabinet and makes me wonder, naturally, how much better everything would be if we had the Muppets instead of the truly motley crew with whom we have been blessed. I imagine that many might feel a strong sense of outrage at this idea, knowing that pretty much every muppet possesses a strength and depth of character, intellect and empathy that almost every one of the current cabinet would sell their grandmother for (if not already sold, or otherwise monetized).

It would be absolutely impossible to fill the 120 ministerial posts that exist today. No one will be at all surprised to learn that this is above the maximum of 109 set in the Ministerial and Other Salaries Act of 1975. No surprise either that there are currently over 120 special advisers working across government – a record – of whom 43 are listed as being appointed by the PM – also a record. In other articles I’ve touched on the knotty topic of value for money and I do rather wonder if we are getting any vfm for the ￡12.7 million we are collectively paying for these people, whose ‘special’ advice seems to have resulted in the greatest shambles in british history. Anyway, I digress.

Let’s concentrate on the main Cabinet posts. This is going to be tricky. I think it might be useful to establish one or two simple guiding principles, the first of which might be that the Prime Minister is not a Presidential office, which might require Sam Eagle, but something closer to a minister who is primus inter pares. This is much more healthy as it would require PMs to appoint properly competent people into cabinet posts. I think we all know that Kermit is the only sensible choice for PM, not least because he would get his lines right, unlike the current idiot, who would have us believe that it is easy being green. Kermit was right all along. It isn’t.

You know, it wouldn’t surprise me in the slightest if we had been recently visited by aliens who, on being told that foggy moggy and mad nad were in cabinet, hopped straight back into their flying saucer and shimmied off sharpish. I know I would.

In the human (I use this word in its loosest sense) cabinet, there are currently at least three bargain basement divas, none of whom measures up, even remotely, to Miss Piggy. Her agent tells me that she would not have settled for anything other than one of the great offices of state, so I think that Defence is the best place for her, and woe betide anyone who disagrees with her. She’s got a mean karate chop and you’ve seen her use it. You know it would hurt. Deterrence in a nutshell.?

I’m tempted to recommend Dr Teeth for the DCMS post. In the days of old (well, not that old) DCMS was called the Ministry for Fun, and I think that Dr Teeth and the fellow members of the Electric Mayhem, Janice, Zoot, Floyd and Lips would make a good team.??I know, I know, where’s Animal?

Kermit asked him to be the Foreign Secretary and I think he said yes…..I think. He certainly got?very?agitated.

The Swedish Chef is off to DEFRA.

It seems fashionable for the Home Secretary to be someone who is very clearly completely out of their depth, and so I feel that Fozzie Bear is going to have to go there. I like to think that he’d give immigrants a warm hug, which would make a nice change.

Dr Bunsen Honeydew is really excited to have been appointed to Health, but Beaker looks understandably nervous. He’s already booked on to a high risk clinical trial.

Sam Eagle would be an excellent Chancellor, not least because he reminds me of Gordon Brown, but in a nice way.

When it comes to filling the Education post, I think that it would be appropriate to ask someone from Sesame St – Count von Count (obviously). Someone’s got to sort out the numeracy crisis and the human occupants have failed abysmally.

It has to be Scooter as Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster. He knows how to get stuff done.

Gonzo gets transport, as he has some form in this area and being strapped to a giant, visibly unstable, rocket seems as reliable a means of transport as our rail network, and a lot more fun, frankly.

Rowlf the dog gets Business, Energy and Industrial Strategy, and I have high hopes for him. Frankly, he can do no worse than any of his predecessors and if everything fails, which it probably will, he can jolly everyone along on the piano.

It is not at all clear to me why there should be a Minister of State for Brexit Opportunities. Whoever said satire was dead.

Statler and Waldorf are going to straight to the Lords, where they will fit in perfectly. It is fitting that they should have the last word:

‘Why do we always come here,

I guess we'll never know.

It's like a kind of torture

To have to watch the show’

Never a truer word…………