Dads, It’s Time to Man-Up for Working Moms

We live in a day and age where parental and income-earning responsibilities are more equitable than ever before. It’s hard to fathom that there was once a time when dads weren’t even allowed in the delivery room. I remember someone telling me a story about his grandfather waiting in the local Irish pub for the call from the hospital to tell him whether it was a boy or a girl. This was followed by him buying a round of drinks for the patrons. How times have changed.

Today, most men are not only at their partners’ side during delivery, but they are increasingly taking on more domestic responsibilities in dual-income households. In many cases, they are also staying home to care for their kids while mom goes to work.   

According to a Pew Research Center analysis of long-term time use data (1965-2011), moms are doing more paid work outside the home and dads doing household chores has more than doubled since 1965 (from an average of about four hours per week to about 10 hours). Neither has overtaken the other in their “traditional” realms, and while their roles are converging, they still carry some historical cultural bias.

While we are moving closer to a more equal distribution of labor between mothers and fathers and a closing gap in compensation and seniority, the reality is that women often bear a heavier burden when it comes to balancing work and family, particularly when the unexpected happens.

A Cultural Imbalance

In roughly 60% of two-parent households with children under age 18, both parents work full-time. Of those dual-income parents, time use data shows that fathers devote significantly less time than mothers to child care (an average of seven hours per week for fathers, compared with 14 hours per week for mothers).

For example, 47% of dual-income parents agree that it’s mom who does more when it comes to taking care of their child when they’re sick. In addition, 39% of working mothers say they had taken a significant amount of time off from work to care for their child compared to 24% of working fathers. Mothers are also more likely than fathers (27% to 10%) to say they quit their job at some point for family reasons.

This is not just an issue between spouses; it’s a workplace culture issue. The default in many companies and families is to value the man's work over the woman's even when there is no significant difference in their professional obligations. This translates into assumptions in the workplace that women are the default caregivers, which can negatively impact women’s upward mobility.

In Sickness and In Travel

It is still taboo in many workplaces for dads to openly express that they have a family obligation that needs their attention, such as when their child is sick.  I know there are some bad companies that have created this problem with how they treat employees, but believe that more men can “man-up” and visibly take more responsibility for caring for their kids. This could go a long way towards changing stereotypes in our workplaces and our work culture.

Another area where a double-standard exists is business travel. On the one hand, employers often assume moms will not want to travel for work, depriving them of important assignments and professional growth opportunities.  On the other hand, when working moms do travel, they are often expected to be on call to remote-parent.

I remember a situation when one of our team members had just returned to work from maternity leave and had traveled to join us on an overnight retreat. Not even two hours into her trip, her husband called with questions because the baby had been crying nonstop, leaving her attention divided as she worried about her baby’s care. While this was her first trip since the baby was born, her spouse had been on several, and I doubt she had called him during his business dinners with child care questions or concerns. As the mom, she was expected to figure things out on her own and not interfere with her husband’s business activities.

Time to Man-Up

I want to be clear that I am not judging how families choose to divide and conquer their work/home responsibilities, that's their prerogative and it's a free country. However, it's time for dads to stop leaning so much on their working partners who have similar professional responsibilities, expecting them to also bear the majority of the child care responsibilities—especially when the unexpected happens. 

To better support their working spouse, my advice to my fellow man would be:

1. Have higher expectations for yourself as a father; you are a parent, not a babysitter. Know who your pediatrician is and how to reach them, have a back-up plan for coverage, etc. Don’t just expect your partner to manage all these invisible tasks on her own. Parenting takes effort and preparation for the unexpected.
2. Treat your partner how you’d want to be treated. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard a man on a business trip say to his wife on a call, “I am in the middle of a meeting. What do you want me to do about it?” However, when the tables are turned, they make that very same call at the first sign of trouble.
   
   If you are the one who is responsible for your kids for the day, week, etc., try not to call your partner to vent or discuss issues that are really not urgent. These distractions make it difficult to focus and engage with work, which perpetuates the stereotype that working moms aren’t sufficiently committed to work. Do what she would do: figure it out. If you’re really stuck, call a family member or a friend to complain or seek advice.
3. When you need to take care of your kids, don’t make an excuse that revolves around your partner’s availability or make up an unrelated justification. This implies that you are not the first option or not willing to be upfront about your obligations.
   
   I’ll be honest, I have been guilty of doing this in the past and found myself telling clients or colleagues, “I have the kids today because my wife had something she could not move” instead of just saying, “I’m taking care of my kids today.” Making an excuse for why we’re caring for our kids is a cop-out. What are we afraid of?
   
   Don’t make up a fictitious cover story for your family time. How you model this behavior impacts others, especially if you are in a leadership role. I don’t shy away from telling my team or clients that I need to cancel something or move a meeting due to a family issue. If that is problematic for them, than they are probably someone I shouldn’t work with.
   
   I also want to be clear that there are a majority of working dads who doing a great job playing both roles, the issue is that they aren't often visible with their colleagues about this behavior and fly under the radar. Only with open and honest communication about family responsibilities can dads change the perception in the workplace.
4. As a manager, be supportive of both your male and female colleagues when unexpected situations arise with their kids and they need to move things around to care for them. No one likes or wants unexpected disruptions, but life happens. If they do need to move things around, support them. They’ll be more likely to do great work when they know their kids are okay. Plus, it’s just the right thing to do and you are better off focusing on outcomes and performance not inputs or you will be rewarding the wrong behaviors.

Smart, successful working moms have already offered spot-on advice to fellow working moms. To echo their sentiments, I’d agree that it’s essential for working moms to:

• Set expectations with their spouse/partner.
• Speak up and ask for help instead of cultivating the assumption that their work/career will take a back seat when the unexpected happens.

The “How do you balance it all?” question should not be something that’s asked to just women. Frankly, no one can answer that question. Juggling a career and parental responsibilities is tough. At times, really tough. But it’s something that parents should be doing together, as a team, and that gets better with practice. Our cultural expectations that women are the “nurturers” and men are the “providers” needs to evolve.  Women can and should be both. As should men.

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Robert Glazer is founder and managing director of Acceleration Partners, a leading digital strategy and affiliate program management agency focused on profitable online customer acquisition for high-growth consumer businesses. Acceleration Partners has been ranked #5 on the list of the 100 Best Workplaces for Women by Great Place to Work? and Fortune. The company has also been ranked on Inc 500’s Fastest Growing Companies for 3 years in a row and ranked #3 on the Boston Business Journal Pacesetters list of fastest-growing private companies in Massachusetts. Representative clients include Tiny Prints, Shutterfly, adidas, Reebok, ModCloth, Blurb, the Honest Company, Warby Parker, Bonobos, Rent the Runway, and Target.