It’s time to embrace messy parenting

In a recent?podcast?(episode #494), I talked about embracing “messy” parenting.

We all know that parenting is hard. As parents, we will make mistakes. We are only human, after all!?

As parents and guardians, it is important that we give ourselves permission to be what I call “messy”. This means embracing our feelings and mistakes and learning from them, using them to grow and learn as parents. It means using our own struggles to help our children understand how to manage the “messiness” and challenges of life through example and open communication. Indeed, one of the best ways we can teach our children how to manage their mental health is by modeling how we deal with life’s difficulties, including how we parent them and how we embrace, process and manage our own mistakes.

As I mention in my upcoming book on children and mental health,??How to Help Your Child Clean Up Their Mental Mess,?which is now available for?preorder, good parenting means taking time to manage our own mental health. We have needs, emotions and feelings, and to truly be there for our children, to really show up for them when they need us, we should take care of ourselves as well. Our wellbeing is as important as theirs—we can’t have one without the other!

Parenting is not just about sacrificing ourselves. We cannot be good parents if we feel drained, overwhelmed and stressed all the time. Children pick up on our emotions and behaviors. If we are not feeling great, then neither will they. So, we shouldn’t feel guilty taking the time to focus on ourselves when we feel we need it. When we are in a better place mentally and physically, we will have the strength, patience and time to better care for our children and help them learn to regulate their own thoughts, feelings and emotions.??

It is also important to remember that no one can truly prepare us for all the things that come with parenting. We can read a thousand parenting books and do a lot of research, but, at the end of the day, our experience as a parent will be unique. One of the worst things we can do as parents is to compare ourselves to other parents, even the ones we read about in books or articles. Not only is this demoralizing, it can also lead to a lot of bitterness and resentment if left unmanaged. Yes, we can learn from others and turn to them for support and advice when needed, but we should avoid the temptation to “cookie-cut” their experiences onto our own.

When it comes to raising children, there is no how-to manual that will help us become perfect parents who never make mistakes and never mess up. The conversation on how to be a better parent is a never-ending one, and a lot of parenting is based on experience, even when our children grow up and leave the home! This is why we should embrace, not run away from, “messy” parenting. If we try to hide from or suppress our emotions and missteps, we will never learn from them or grow as parents.????

This starts with embracing how we feel in the moment, not feeling guilty for having normal human emotions. In many of my podcasts, blogs and books, I mention the importance of validating our children's feelings, but this doesn’t mean we should overlook or forget to validate?our own emotions as well. Acknowledging how we feel is the first step in managing and processing these feelings. When we validate our emotions, we become more aware of our thoughts and how they are showing up in our life, which is the first step to true and lasting change! If we don’t embrace how we feel, or if we try to suppress our emotions, they can end up exploding and affecting our mental health and relationships.?

Of course, this is easier said than done, especially if we feel completely overwhelmed. So, if this feels like you, I want you to take a deep breath and remind yourself of a few things:?“I love my children and want the best for them, but I sometimes make mistakes. I cannot be helpful to my child if I hold on to my anger or guilt. It is okay to make mistakes, as they are opportunities to learn how to manage my own emotions and teach my children how to do the same.”?Tell yourself this every morning when you wake up, or when you are feeling stressed out! Practice being kind to yourself in the same way you want to be kind to your child, help them embrace their own feelings and mistakes, and encourage other parents to do the same.?

I also want you to remind yourself that even though parenting is a huge part of your life, it is not all that you are. It does not determine your entire worth as an individual.

Lastly, remember that you too are someone's child! This means that you have your own baggage to deal with, which can impact you as a parent. You have the right to work on this without feeling guilty because most parents try their best with the knowledge they have at the time. This is not a blame game; rather, it is about honoring what your parents went through as well as working on the impact their mistakes had on you. When you do this, you will be better able to embrace your own mistakes as a parent and help your child understand what it looks like to accept that life is “messy” while knowing that this “messiness” doesn’t define us or determine our worth.?