It’s Time to do Better, Guys

Aren’t we ready to grow up, yet, guys? By “guys” I mean dudes who can’t refrain from being jerks toward women. Or, dudes who look the other way when it happens.

Last month, a VP at #Apple posted a TikTok video in which he made stupid comments at a work-related event about his pastimes with women’s breasts. I’m sure it was “just a joke.”

Last week I heard an HR professional describe the reality of the locker room culture in her military unit and how uncomfortable it is for women. And, by “uncomfortable”, I mean perpetual, hostile work environment. I’m sure it’s “just boys being boys.”

This past weekend, a report was released showing “systemic” emotional abuse and sexual misconduct in women’s pro soccer. I’m sure the report and the media are “just exaggerating”.

And, yesterday, my daughters were “catcalled” while walking in our neighborhood by some random kid riding by on a bike. I’m sure it was “just harmless fun.”

He learned it somewhere.

I’m wondering about the guys who keep doing this kind of thing. I suppose in some circles it’s considered “manly”. Because dudes are wired this way. And it’s just light-hearted fun, or it’s cool to yuck it up with the guys, or it’s fun to get a reaction from certain people.

The individual and group psychology of misogyny and #sexism are mostly understood, and we know how to be better, yet here we are. Personal problems, group dynamics, cultural forces, now politics. This all gets balled up into excuses to treat people poorly and with disrespect, which sometimes leads to real violence. It’s the coarsening of our society that continues with tacit support from people who should know better and who should be leading better.

But those who behave this way and those who give it a pass don’t realize that the world is leaving them behind. It’s not just that workplace #discrimination laws will continue to be enforced against them. They are surrounded by others who get it and who are rolling their eyes at them and dismissing them as people not to be taken seriously. Because they are driven by simple, adolescent impulses and ignorance. Feelings, appetites, and emotions.

How can your work team, let alone your female team members, take you seriously as a man, as a business man, as a business leader, as a humane person, if you behave this way or condone this kind of behavior? If you can’t control those base impulses or know better, how will you control yourself or know better in critical business situations? When you need to be relied upon? To be trusted to do the right thing in times of turmoil or uncertainty? You’ve demonstrated you’re not in control, and you use poor judgment, so how should I think of you?

Nowhere in speech or writing, in any of the words of religious leaders, philosophers, thinkers, or others who summon humanity to reach for higher levels, will you find encouragement to give into base feeling, appetites, and emotions. It’s generally not seen as the path to greatness, unless you’re invading a Saxon village. It doesn’t galvanize, motivate, or inspire, which is what we want for ourselves and others, right?

“But, Steve, it’s just some down time with friends. It’s just locker room talk. Why are you being so sensitive?”

Okay, I get it, and I’ve probably had moments when I’ve said stupid things with friends for a laugh. I’m just passing along some advice because the world is changing, but the behavior isn’t. This kind of thing is a bad look on any guy. You might get a chuckle from your friends, even female friends, but reflect on this: the universe of people who think it’s ok and funny and whatnot is shrinking by the day. Most women and many men don’t want to work for you or with you. And when those who do realize that it’s reflective of your true feelings about other humans, not just women, who don’t match your checklist for being deserving of respect, they’ll take their talents elsewhere.

Because the days of putting up with this kind of caveman behavior in the workplace are waning. If you want to get and keep good people – the best people – you need to draw out your best and the best of those around you.

Even in the locker room. And, especially at work.

Steve Schad helps small and mid-sized businesses with their HR.