It’s time to break free from the yes trap and start saying no

As women leaders, we often find ourselves taking on tasks that aren’t our responsibility - which can lead to overwhelm and burnout as well as other negative effects on our wellbeing. It’s time to stop falling into the yes trap and start saying no so you can reclaim more of your time and energy.?

So how do you know if you’re saying yes too much?

Perhaps you find yourself saying yes to things that aren’t your job because you don't want to be perceived as unhelpful? But it’s leaving you feeling exhausted because you’re constantly going above and beyond.?

How about volunteering for tasks that you don't really have time to do because no one else is volunteering and you hate the awkward silence? These sorts of tasks don’t significantly? contribute to the business but they’re still valuable and time consuming. They are known as ‘office housework’. In my experience, when we say yes to these tasks we risk either over-working or spending less time on our high-priority tasks.?

What about when someone comes to you with a problem that isn't your job to solve? I call this “letting people hand you their problems” and the reality is that when we solve someone’s problem when it’s not our job, it’s likely to happen again and again. When your team members come to you with problems, it’s really easy to fall into the trap of spoon feeding them the answers. When they actually need to be capable of solving these things themselves.?

If any of the above statements rung true, you might just be falling into the yes trap. Which, believe me, is super easy to do.?

Why do we say yes?

Well, this often stems from our desire to be liked. Of course, to be liked is a human need. It relates to belonging. Since the dawn of time, being part of a community has kept us safe. Food and shelter came from belonging to a tribe. And we’ve evolved over the years to? do what we need to do in order to belong.?

And there’s the powerful societal narrative that says women must be likeable. Girls get a lot more praise for being likeable than they do for being clear and direct in their communication. And unfortunately, studies do show that women have to be likeable to progress in the workplace, which is of course a damaging and frustrating narrative.?

But there’s a big difference between being likeable and people liking everything you have to say. It takes courage to being able to say things, as a leader, that people may not like but that are reasonable and need to be said.?

Research also shows there's a shared understanding by both men and women that we volunteer 48% for office housework more than men. We also say yes 76% of the time, versus men’s 51% of the time. It's basically a societal norm that we've all signed up to without even realising.?

Why we need to start saying no!?

There’s an emotional and mental impact of falling into the yes trap. You can start to feel resentful and of course, it drains your energy.?

From my personal perspective - I really notice those feelings of tension, frustration or resentment if I've said yes when I really wanted to say no. I waste a lot of emotional energy wishing I had said no, then blaming the other person. In my head, that is … not out loud!

But here’s the thing. They didn’t force me to say yes, they just asked me a question. It was me that said, yes, when I wanted to say, no. I was the one putting aside my own work and priorities.?

This costs us time and mental energy and our physical and mental resources are limited.?

So much of our need or desire to say yes comes from wanting to be helpful. But it’s so important, especially with direct reports, to realise that we’re not actually empowering them to do their job well. So learning to say no can actually give them the autonomy to problem solve independently.?

This then frees up your headspace and time to think more strategically about stopping those problems occurring in the first place.?

It’s very common and completely understandable to be a bit unsure on how to reset these boundaries. But the good news is that I’ve created an amazingly useful free challenge called my “How To Say No” series. It’s going to give you some really practical ways to climb out of the yes trap and start confidently saying no.?

If you’re breathing a sigh of relief at the thought of this, sign up now to receive the challenge straight to your inbox.