It’s Not the Thing, It’s Your Relationship With the Thing…

The most important principle in business is also the principle most often overlooked.  I call it “Relationship with….”  More often than not, your focus is on the object of your attention.  In other words, it is all about the thing.  If there is a problem, it is a problem with the thing.  For example, if a piece of equipment isn’t working properly, the problem is with the piece of equipment.  If a business model isn’t working properly, the problem is with the business model.  Very rarely, are people able to take a step back and look at the nature of their relationship with the thing.  Remarkably, the best way to fix something is often based upon fixing your relationship with that thing.  If you can shift your relationship with…, numerous problems are overcome.  Let’s take a look at some common issues of relationship with….

Fear

How many great business ideas have been foiled by fear—most commonly, the fear to move forward?  Sure you have a great idea, but what if it doesn’t work out?  What if you blow it?  What if circumstances change?  Your fear will freeze you if you let it.  Based on my observations, freezing from fear is far more than a logical decision.  It is a physiological response.  Then when the physiology freezes, the psyche freezes and everything halts.  As a result, you just can’t bring yourself to pull the trigger to move forward with the project.  Of course, few are willing to admit they are afraid.  Instead, like Tom Cruise in the movie, Top Gun, you tell yourself, “No, it’s no good.  It’s not the right time.  It’s not the right situation.”  You bail out.  You don’t pull the trigger.

An associate of mine, Ed, has been paper trading for ten years.  He would love to make his living trading stocks, but just can’t get past his relationship with the stock market, which boils down to fear.

Another man I know, John, has a great business opportunity.  It seems there are only green lights ahead for him.  However, he is just too afraid to move forward.  Of course, John won’t admit that.  For years now, he has been saying he wants to be sure the conditions are right.  He wants to be thoroughly prepared before he takes that big step.  He says other people act on their ideas too impulsively.  At the same time, as the years go by, John sees his friends progressing in business and wonders why he wasn’t so “lucky.”  I tell him that the train is moving—he has to jump on or it will pass him by, but he just cannot bring himself to do it.  

To my experience, fear goes along with any big decision.  You can’t wait for the fear to go away.  It probably won’t.  You have to just take the plunge.  Of course, do your due diligence, think, reflect, and ponder.  But at some point, you just have to pull that trigger.  No situation is ever perfect.  No big move is ever without its foreseeable and unforeseeable challenges.  But you have to go forward, forward, always forward.  As has been said, “Fortune favors the bold” …but not the foolhardy. A reasonable (but not excessive) amount of fear will assure you that you are not being foolhardy.  When you look around and see other people who are successful, know that a major part of their success is not in overcoming fear, but moving forward in the face of fear.  As has been said, “Courage is 50% fear.”

Clinging to a Perspective

Sarah is a good friend of mine.  She has been playing the market for a couple of years and has good success.  She frequently emails with her market predictions, when and by how much the market will go up and then down.  Her confidence in those predictions concerns me.  I’ve had an M.B.A. for thirty years and have been watching the market longer than that.  I have seen plenty of hotshots do very well… for a period of time.

In this ever-changing world, clinging to what worked in the past is a formula for disaster, a very unhealthy relationship with....  Many M.B.A. case studies illustrate how even major corporations (e.g., AT&T) have been unable to change with the times.  The sunk cost syndrome (pouring good money after bad) being a classic example.

The best way to overcome a rigid perspective is by having a good support group.  But a good support group is not a group of people indoctrinated into the same perspective you have.  It is people who can respectfully share other perspectives with you.  Those people are rare.  Most people who have other perspectives will try to force them upon you by being controlling and invasive.  That is not what you are looking for.  Truly supportive people are out there and you would do well to find them.  If you are able to be patient and reflective, you can come up with fresh perspectives from within your own being.  But for most, that is very difficult to do. But it isn’t impossible.  Take time to sit back, reflect, and ask yourself how other people might look at the situation.  Do that without judgment or any sort of knee-jerk reaction.  Just entertain the possibilities.  

Poor Relationships

It is incredible to see how fixed people can be in their relationship with others.  Of course, making valid assessments of another’s business abilities is important.  However, negative feelings are often based upon poor reasons.  Perhaps someone left you with a wrong impression for one reason or another.  Perhaps a silly little conflict arose and you just can’t let go of your resultant feelings.  This can make for terrible, and unnecessary, problems in the workplace.

Steve and Robin, a lovely couple, hired a builder to construct their new home.  Having never built anything before, they weren’t at all knowledgeable of the process.  They hired a builder, Chris, who had great recommendations.  When they first met Chris, things seemed fine, they liked him, and they signed a contract.  But as the building progressed, they got terribly frustrated.  Everything seemed to take so long, and to them, it was all Chris’ fault.  They developed resentment against Chris that colored their perception of everything he did.  Eventually, they terminated the contract and hired another builder.

Looking back, Steve and Robin realized that Chris was doing a fine job and they just didn’t understand the building process.  But the point is, they still had a strong aversion to Chris.  They just didn’t like him anymore.  Because they had mutual friends with Chris, they wanted to get over their negative feelings towards him, but they just couldn’t.

In the workplace, this sort of thing becomes a big problem.  Attitudes and biases get created that people just can’t overcome.  The best way to work with such an aversion is to take it slow while you begin working with that person.  Be patient and give your feelings some space.  Over time as you are attentive to the process, the relationship will improve.  Of course, if it turns out the person is a total jerk, just get rid of them.  Acknowledging fundamental incompatibility does have its place.  Taking a mature look at your relationship with other people so you can transform the situation can be critically important, though not always so easy.

In Conclusion

These are just a few examples of how the unhealthy, relationship with… facets of your work can compromise your business.  The real art involves figuring out the unique nature of your relationship with… and how to improve it.  Any place where your business is having difficulties merits taking an honest hard look at the often overlooked, yet all important, nature of your relationship with that aspect of your business.  You might even ask people who know you well to help you take a look.  Remember, it’s not about the thing, so much as it is about your relationship with the thing.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Dr. Michael Mamas is the founder of The Center of Rational Spirituality, a nonprofit organization dedicated to the betterment of humanity through the integration of ancient spiritual wisdom with modern rational thought. From personal issues to global trends, Dr. Michael Mamas helps individuals and organizations develop a deeper understanding and more comprehensive outlook by providing a 'bridge' between the abstract and concrete, the Eastern and Western, and the ancient and modern. Dr. Michael Mamas has been teaching for 35 years (including the U.S., India, Europe, and Canada) and writes on a variety of subjects on his blog, MichaelMamas.net.