It’s not really OK, not to be OK!

This will probably generate a kickback, perhaps even some hate. But this has been rumbling in me for a while and I'd like to share my thoughts. I also think it can help. Oh, and there is some profanity.

I’m going to stick my neck out, my head above the parapet, go against the flow and challenge a saying and idea that is becoming synonymous with mental health. I think it’s not really ok, not to be ok!

The idea of course being, “It’s OK not to be OK”. I’m good with the sentiment behind the campaign, it’s completely natural to feel sad and crap sometimes. It’s also good to increase empathy between each other and it’s great that we are starting to destigmatise mental health issues.

I’ve had periods of being, not ok. Not just sad, but full on NOT OK! My brother committed suicide in 2012. Some other ‘not nice’ things happened to me and life got very scary for a while before I came back out the other side.

During this wee diversion, I discovered 3 things.

1.     Some people were not ok with me being completely truthful about how bad I was feeling.

2.     Labeling myself as depressed was detrimental to my recovery and to an improved mental state.

3.     Being not ok, was not acceptable, it was, not ok; for me, for my family, for my friends or for society.

What I learned from my journey and experiences changed the way I view depression. I can of course, only talk about my experience.

Christmas 2017 was a dark time for me, I was edgy, feeling like shit, snapping at everyone and wanted to get the Fuck away from everything. I hated feeling like this and decided it was time to do something about it.

I’d seen therapists before, when Chris first died and then again when I’d found myself in that scary Fuck off place the year before. But this time, it was different, I actively wanted to mentally ‘work out’ with a real coach. I wanted to be stronger. I wanted a personal trainer for my mind. I would commit to at least 6 months, no less, I told myself.

I wanted to devote specific time and space to explore me. I wanted to improve, not because I was ill but because I knew I could be better. This time it was an active choice rather than a reaction. It was a different way of viewing my reason for going and that helped a lot.

I ended up doing 12 months, once a week, most weeks with a therapist. It took effort, emotionally, and financially. It took time. It was an interesting experience, I learned how to observe my feelings, to play the witness role rather than the participant. To identify where in my body the feelings arose. To acknowledge but not feed the emotions. I learned and practiced self-compassion, what being kind to me looked like. I learned that I had depressive episodes but that I was not the label of ‘depressed’.

I could observe depressed, but I didn’t have to make that me.

I very quickly learned that I couldn’t be completely honest to anyone other than me about how I felt. I learned how frightening it was for some people to hear that I was not in a good place. How betrayed they felt that I might decide enough was enough. I had experienced this feeling of betrayal myself after my brother died. This is natural. It’s natural to react this way and we shouldn’t judge. However, we should be mindful that it’s really difficult for to hear, even if our nearest and closest genuinely want to hear how we are.

We want to hear that people are ok, we hope when we ask how someone is, that they are actually ok. Why would we not want that. Of course, we want people to be ok. So, to ask and then hear that someone is not ok… shit. Is it because of me that you don’t feel ok, why would you not want to be here, with me. What’s wrong with me, with us? On and on it goes.

It’s not simple.

There’s another thing too. I never want us to think that it’s acceptable not to be ok. As in, from a societal, human, health point of view.

It’s not ok that there is an obesity epidemic.

It’s not ok that there is a depression epidemic.

Something is wrong with the way we live, the way we work and the way we socialise. Something is wrong and we need to start working on improving it.

It’s ok not to be ok, is ok at an individual, personal level, as a recognition that you are not alone, and that other people are in the same boat. That you don’t have to suffer in silence. But, it’s such a small bit of what we need to do.

One of the biggest things I have learned is that I was there for me. I was there for me right the way through and I am still here for me now.

It was ok for me to recognise I was not ok, but it wasn’t ok for me not to be ok. 

It is definitely right to seek help if you need it, in fact, you should always seek help when you need it.

#mentalhealthweek #adifferentperspective #depression #challenge #support