It's a rant...

Sometimes, We come at crossroads.

We don't know what is the best for us as the next step, so, we stop.

Disclaimer : This is a rant letter.

I never loved school - not because of studies, I liked studying. It was because I kept changing schools, moving cities and it was tough to make friends all the time. Similarly, I did a college degree in something I don't pursue anymore, which I guess is okay because a lot of people have been doing it, so, okay.

Now, It is to take the next step - either you keep on growing as a skilled person with industrial experience or you go for a masters. What's best, who knows!

This decision has taken a toll on me, because we consider too many factors while going for something like this. For abroad, you need to prep a year before and India has so many competitive exams that its burden is enough to rip a person apart.

At 25, You are too young for the people in 30s and too old for the ones who have turned 21 something. It is a weird number, you are comfortable with it somehow but as soon as you think of 26, 27 and so on.. there is a pressure that builds up - to actually DO something.

As I navigate through life, many people have this picture that 'ye toh settled hai', I get it about a lot of friends and many people get that about me but it is difficult to feel that when there is so much more you need to do.

Discarding the image you have for yourself : I have always got things with a pinch of hard luck and now if I think that you know 'X is better for me now, it might be easier though' but easy seems wrong now, like I am doing something wrong with myself or my career. How did we come to this? No one knows.

You feel that *sinking* feeling constantly, like you are behind in a race, you need to catchup. But how do you do that? No one knows, No one should need to. It is your individual path to take.

But as each day passes by, I realise that deconstructing or unlearning it more difficult. Unlearning the ways to operation or take a route according to what is standard, it is difficult.

It is tough to think about picking up your books again at 40, but people do. It is tough to think 'we will figure it out', but when you are 35, you feel you have. At 25, It is tough to think about what it is next 'right' step.

Every single person I know is playing catch-up with no one, nothing but everyone feels like they are running behind, someone who is in a job wants a better pay. Someone going for a masters wants an early entry. Someone going for a Ph.D wants more time.

We have been juggling with our thoughts and society's perception long enough to someone make it into our reality, but if we erase the board clean. What do we have?

What do we actually want to do?

How do we clean the slate intoxicated with 1873.9 opinions of others (including our parents)?

How do we actually go past that thought of what we are supposed to do, instead do what we want to?

As I end this letter, I remember this one scene from Dear Zindagi when Shah Rukh a.k.a Dr. Jug told Kaira that it is not important that the tougher way is the right way, why do we need to push ourselves into something we aren't yet ready for. I cherish that scene. And that is the advice I would leave with you. today.

I hope you have a great Christmas and a lovely New Year.

With Hope,

Ayushi